THE OTHER SCIENTOLOGY

I have got to get me some religion. Finally, an excuse for acting the way I do! I searched my heart, and God told me the best way to proceed, and it just happened to correspond with my own greedy needs. Hallelujah! It worked for W, it seems to work for the nasty cross-wearing, Jesus-bumperstickered Hispanics in my neighbourhood who regularly spit and curse at the pasty white folks who've recently moved in from the city-- it seems their version of "love thy neighbour" comes with certain caveats.

What Would Jesus Do? Whatever the hell he pleases! He's Jesus Christ, for Chrissake. He's a fucking rock star. He doesn't trash the hotel room, he sends it hurtling into the fucking sun.

I don't mean to sound like the Moral Majority, but things really start to go to hell when people remove the idea of sacrifice from their religion (and life during wartime, but that's another topic). There's a great piece in "Talk of the Town" about Kabbalah, that other religion so hot amongst the pious and saintly of Holywoodland. It seems the version of Kabbalah so popular amongst Madonna and those she's strong-armed to accept it-- Guy Ritchie, A-Rod, the backsliding Britney-- is more about self-realization, and less about ascetiscim and self-denial.

I am crushed! You mean Madonna isn't actually qualified for sainthood, or whatever the hell the Kabballics confer upon their holiest? And here I thought I only had to spend more time in the gym and marry a stupid young stud like Demi Moore did to start my spiritual ascension.

Gotta keep trying. There's got to be a silver bullet so I can deflect all criticism and fulfill all my craven needs without having to work that hard. Maybe Landmark?

COMMITTED

According to her blog, Courtney Love claims to have coined the phrase "kookoo bananas." It's a stroke of genius-- what better way to prove you actually are 100 % certified kookoo bananas?

While she's at it, she might as well claim she created Herpes. Okay, so she didn't actually create or originate Herpes, but just like the Japanese, she takes something that's already been invented and improves the design! Since she got hold of it, that shit has just exploded!

GO FOR BROKE

Mike Myers writing an "Austin Powers" sequel as tribute to his late father, who died of Alzheimer's in 1991.

Um-- I thought the whole series was a tribute?

Oh well-- when you've become box office poison, your ideas are bankrupt, and everyone knows you're one of the most difficult people to work with in Hollywood-- go for sympathy!

NOT WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER

What's wrong with Jodie Foster these days? Okay, we know she has strict requirements for her roles-- 1. no husband or boyfriend; 2. she, or her daughter is victimized, and; 3. she spends most of the movie in a tight close-up looking tensely off screen. Just saw "Flight Plan." Jesus Christ, can her jaw get any tighter? Bitch must've worn her teeth down to kernals.

In the "extras" afterwards, the producer said he wanted Jodie because the audience instantly feels sympathetic to her. ???? Jesus Christ, I feel more sympathetic to the goddam bluescreen. I think they must have filmed Jodie talking to the air, then added the girl on the bluescreen afterwards, there's so little warmth or connection between them. Bitch is becoming a robot.

PANIC IN THE STREETS

Jesus Christ, who doesn't remember the summer of '89? "Teen Witch" mania was everywhere. There wasn't that kind of public insanity since '85 when every goddam person was walking like an Egyptian. Well, get your flotsam-and-jetsam pillbox hats out of the mothballs, 'cause Teen Witch is coming back to theaters in time for the summer of 2010. And don't forget your riot gear.

TOP THAT?

Okay, how the hell are they going to Top That? They're remaking Teen Witch for 2010 (ooo-- the year we make contact) with Ashley Tisdale as the lead. Jesus Christ, they're going to have to get some good sidemen to make up for her ashen blandness.

Teen Witch 1989 had Marcia Wallace-- (don't think she was a witch, but she was pretty scary as "Carol" from the "Bob Newhart Show, and used those pointy little teeth to really tear into "The Vagina Monologues"); Zelda Rubinstein (she played E.T! She told Carol Anne to "go towards the light!" in "Poltergeist"-- we're happy to report Zelda's still kickin', but Carol Anne is now one with the light in a mausoleum next to Mel Tormé and Truman Capote); the girl from "The Tortellis"!

I'm thinking they could get Kathy Griffin in there. Maybe Zelda's part could be taken by fellow l'il person Mini-Me? He may be small, but he can sure cast a spell with the ladies.

LET'S IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT

Neil Young was on Charlie Rose the other night, and as Courtney Love might characterize him, he was "Cherry Koo Koo Bannanoos, that's hot stylee," talking about his perpetual-motion car machine. Apparently it runs on a compressed air engine, which magically keeps filling up.

While he's not investigating Flying Carpet technology, the old bastard's still stirring up shit with his music, in a way that Rihanna and Miley Cyrus and all the other current firebrand social commentators have failed to do. He took over the Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young reunion 2 summers ago and turned it into a protest party with rousing sing-alongs like "Let's Impeach the President."

Apparently half the audience booed and flipped the bird and walked out. Jesus Christ, they tried to impeach Clinton for inappropriately extinguishing his cigar (ow!), but you can't even suggest to impeach Bush for-- um, where do we start?

How come it's only an old guy doing this stuff? Where's that loumouthed midget from the Dixie Chicks? We love short loudmouth bitches, but can't we do better than the Dixie Chicks?

Come on peeps! You won't have the Bush Assministration to kick around much longer. I would say they're a punchline just waiting for a joke, but I forgot it's not funny.

Nicole Bengiveno/The New York Times

COLDPLAY STEALS, WILL STEAL AGAIN

Now, according to the blog of everyone's sweatheart, Courtney Love, the first time she met Chris Martin she flipped out while he was playing "Clocks" on the piano at the Chateau Marmont in LA:

Chris was playing the song CLoCkS on the piano, I was so out of my mind, I thought it was my song, my piano riff, I was pissed! I thought he was playing my song,

Then, after hemming and hawing over whether to visit her dearest bestest galpal Gwyneth in London-- apparently Gwyn sparkles like a glow-in-the-dark dildo and it makes Cuntrey jealous like a kookoo banana-- she makes the trip and is greeting like an American Princess chez PalMart. Chris is just dying to play her a song:

(Chris) says I have the song I have the song hes sayswhat songs I say? That song CLOCKS YOU STOLE FROM ME? he laughs in that laconic way, it's very lovely laugh, he's the point to the whole damn story..

So, back in LA, was Cuntrey being Cherry Koo Koo, the bad girl of the 3000 faces of Cuntrey, and now, in London, basking in the amazing, eternal, ethereal, xanadu-ish, honey-like, laser-like glow of Gwyneth and her leg-clinging brood that grapple her gams so precipitously they're basically begging for Courtney to spill coffee on their heads (mmmm, coffee and apple), and so disarmed by Chris Martin and his laconic, lovely laugh-- that she's back to being that simple, honest, forgiving, carefree, funloving, lipsmacking gal we all know as "Just Courtney"? Stay that way for a while, baby, at least until Apple and Moses are old enough-- Moses will want to remember the sight of Auntie Cuntrey flailing, drunk and naked, down the hallowed halls of Chez PalMart.

BETTY LOVES ETTY

Yeah, stole this from Perez. So what, it's got our name on it. We love etty too.

SKINNY BITCHES

I'm so sick of reading about D-list starlets and their fitness routines. Why do they think going to bed early, abstaining from alcohol (and whatever else), eating right and working out every day gives them the life experience to portray anyone except a neurotic, self-obsessed starlet? Whatever happened to actresses with an appetite for living? Oh, I forgot, Liz Taylor's probably hanging out with Liza and MJ at Neverland Dubai.

The person who changed the focus of gossip rags to Pilates 'n' Powerade was Bonnie Fuller, former editor of Flare, YM, Marie Claire, Cosmo, Glamour, US, and Star Weekly.

In the Times article about Bonnie, her success is described:

She is able to almost distill the id of the reader. She channels them in a way few others do, and what she heard is: ‘I don’t care about your acting method in your last movie. I just want to know what workout you used to get that fabulous body.’

Bonnie was also credited with "humanizing the stars," but it seems she's also succeeded in "deifying" the reader. Now everyone thinks they can be a goddam star--and nevermind "method," shit, anyone knows how to act like a reality star-- just dredge up all your worst impulses, and it's "action!"

Photo: Ruth Fremson/The New York Times

OH REALLY?

According to the Internet Movie Database, the #4 best movie of all time premiered last night. It was #4 before it was even released. It has a rating of 9.7 out of 10, better than any other movie. Jesus Christ, why didn't Madonna think of that? She should have overdosed on sleeping pills or pilates or whatever before "Swept Away," maybe she too could have received an Oscar nod.

To think Batman can defeat not only the Joker, but Kurosawa, Bergman, Orson Welles, Sergio Leone, Fellini, etc, etc--

--but the Shawshank Redemption is still undefeated! Says something about the people who vote on imdb.

And who's Morgan Freeman screwing to be in two top 5 movies?

Image courtesy powet.tv

EXIT LINES

That's Heath Ledger there, proving all jokes are indeed not funny.

David Denby has written a moving review in the new New Yorker (despite the tasteless cover!!) about Heath in the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight:

"Christian Bale. . .is upstaged by the great Ledger, who shambles and slides into a room, bending his knees and twisting his neck and suddenly surging into someone’s face like a deep-sea creature coming up for air. Ledger has a fright wig of ragged hair; thick, running gobs of white makeup; scarlet lips; and dark-shadowed eyes. He’s part freaky clown, part Alice Cooper the morning after, and all actor. He’s mesmerizing in every scene. . .At times, I was reminded of Marlon Brando at his most feline and insinuating. When Ledger wields a knife, he is thoroughly terrifying (do not, despite the PG-13 rating, bring the children), and, as you’re watching him, you can’t help wondering—in a response that admittedly lies outside film criticism—how badly he messed himself up in order to play the role this way. His performance is a heroic, unsettling final act: this young actor looked into the abyss."

Gosh. This is sad. I'm hardly moved by anything anymore, being a freaky clown shut-in myself, but Heath! We only had a taste. This is Kurt Cobain-kind of sad. I'm so attracted to his seeming craziness and pain. I never knew how much I loved him till he was dead. True of most things actually.

photo courtesy: Reuters

ORDINARY PIG

"I just make the best out of what I have. I'm not out-of-the-ordinary-
looking at all. I'm incredibly ordinary," Posh tells us in the new issue of Allure.

Now I could have included an actual picture from the Allure photo-shoot where she's looking all soft and touchable and good-skinned, but I chose not to for obvious reasons. This is how she looks everyday walking around. She's got nerve. Like a modern anorexic Miss Piggy on a spit, Victoria Beckham is anything but ordinary looking.

Thanks to popsugar.com

MY LOVE GROWS AND GROWS

What are these Ronsons doing to me! Mark above, again looking at me with love and devotion in his heavy hooded bedroom sexy eyes has said this:

"I’m not the sort of producer that shags every artist he works with. I’ve had enough offers, but I’m very picky,’ said Mark.

‘I’ve said no to a very famous, white, bland and very boring English soul chick, whom shall remain unnamed.’ And if he didn’t make it obvious enough – when the journalist asked if he was talking about Joss Stone, Mark couldn’t resist giving a little smile and a wink.

Can you feel the chill creeping up my leg? Joss Stone! Back off, baby!

Thanks to thedailygoss.com

Photo courtesy evilbeetgossip.com

WAXING GOOD ADVICES

Jon Voight has some wise old-man words for Angie and Brad. Now that he's been disowned by Angie, poor Jon is doing whatever possible to connect through the power of the press. Sad.

From: Usmagazine:

"Twins are a big deal. How many people have seen twins?" he told Us at the the FOX Television Critics Association party on Monday. "Even [if they're] the world's most remarkable, sleep-oriented, calm children... two kids at the same time is a big deal."

How old is he that he thinks no one has even seen twins? Didn't they have twins in the 70s? Oh, yeah before IVF treatment twins were freaks.

That's Jon and Marcheline, Angie's mom, above in 1976 before he took off and abandoned her. Angelina may hate her father. See the pattern? That could be a pic of her and Brad.

Here's a pic of Brangie, also taken evidently in 1976:

Actually Brad's more 70s than the 70s were. Does anyone else notice how waxy he looks lately? All sex symbols turn to wax as they age.

Oh, I know what you're thinking. . .I'm so boring but I'm a brangeloonie too as Michael K over at dlisted.com says. He's right, we're all insane. If there was a 24hr Brangie news channel (BNC--get Ted Turner on this STAT! he can colourize them all sorts of fantastic colours!) I'd watch it nonstop. And report back to you!! You spoiled little peepholers!

HO-HANNAH MONTANA

Well this is normal, isn't it? Little girls taking pics of themselves as little sluts. I was shocked when I first saw my nieces doing this on Facebook, but I've since gotten over it. The world is aghast as Miley Cyrus' mySpace pics are revealed. And that 'outrageous' Vanity Fair photo. I think it's funny.

How ashamed can you be when you're wearing a sheet and looking over your shoulder at a hot lesbian pointing a huge Canon at you? The idea that she didn't know what she was doing is outrageous. That's the only outrageous thing.

All little girls are disingenuous, that's what being a cute little girl is all about. Pretend you're not really sexing it up-- that you're only playing around with your camera. If only she'd catch the eye of a hot orthodontist. She needs some teeth removed STAT.

According to Usmagazine:

“I’d love to do a younger, cleaner version of Sex and the City,” Miley Cyrus, 15, tells TV Guide.

(She previously told Vanity Fair that the HBO series is her favorite show. She later issued a statement clarifying that she only watches the edited, TBS version). Still, she says she won't be having sex anytime soon. "I like to think of myself as the girl that no one can get, that no one can keep in their hand," Cyrus goes on. Like her pals the Jonas Brothers, Cyrus wears a purity ring. “Even at my age, a lot of girls are starting to fall,” she says, “and I think if [abstaining] is a commitment girls make, that’s great.”

How about just a good version of Sex and the City?

Please! Enough already! 'Starting to fall'? Purity rings? She backtracks from everything. Maybe it's because Disney is watching, but really, she's gonna have to decide what she is, and soon. Own up to your sexuality, or admit you're blue-balling the Jonas Bros. Either way, be Proud!

Photo courtesy JustJared.com

HOW DO YOU SPELL 'SLUT'?

Look at these two nervy hobags. The Sun reports:

"The steamy snaps of topless Sienna will be a devastating blow to former boyfriend RHYS IFANS, who is still heartbroken over their split. Her new love had been kept under wraps because oil heir Getty, 33, is a married dad of four."

Well they're really keeping it under wraps. Aren't they actors, can't they even act like they're just friends? I don't get Sienna Miller. Every interview with her I read, she insists she's not a slut, and yet here she is all topless and on vacation with a married man. Oh, I'm such a prude. There's just something about the way she is, all free and tan and on a boat that just riles me up. Next it's gotta be Matthew McConaughey---he just had a baby and I can't spell his name either.

photo courtesy: The Sun

FOXY NEWS

This slutty beauty above is Megan Fox, girlfriend to Brian Austin-Greene (yes, David from 90210), the former Wonder Woman hopeful who's currently filming the Transformers sequel. I don't know what to say because I don't know how somebody gets that good looking.

Well apparently Ms Fox is too fat. She must gain 10lbs for her new role, as Fox News reports:

“I should have toned up for 'Transformers' but I’m really lazy. I had to put on weight,” she told Pop Tarts. “I’d lost a lot of weight and got really scrawny, but I was told I had to put on size for 'Transformers' because Michael [Bay, the director] doesn’t like skinny girls. . .so now I eat red-velvet cake before I go to bed every night.”

Red-velvet cake and pop tarts! Uggh.

photo courtesy: evilbeetgossip.com

HOLY SQUARED

Last night I turned to CNN by accident, (I don't watch CNN now that Hillary's out of the race and there's nothing to talk about anymore) and what should I see??? A freakin' panel discussion with all their consistently inexpert experts talking about the new New Yorker cover!! Whaaa?? I'm glad The New Yorker is momentarily relevant again and people are talking about it, but really!

Clearly they have lost their minds. There is so much real news and they're talking about satire, arguing about what satire is like a bunch of first years! Do pundits really understand what satire is? Unless Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward can be reached by satellite I don't see the point.

What about the placenta? Who cut the umbilical cord? Was Brad there for the entire birth? Yes, he was. Angie was on an epidural so was awake during her C-section and Brad talked her through the whole holy blessed event. Did you know Angie's Ob-Gyn called Bradley his 'little helper'? Was Maddox filming it? That savvy little devil. Did Zahara scowl jealously into Angie's vagina? Don't worry, Zee, Mommy and Daddy are already wait-listed for a new African baby to even up the colour scheme.

Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt were born Saturday July 12 at around 7pm. Knox came in at 5.03lbs and Vivvie at 5lbs. If you sense a sarcastic tone to this I'm sorry---I cried a little happy tear when I heard, I have so much invested in it, more than if I had a child myself. Who cares about my ugly kids, all misshapen and plain and unimportant. The angels have landed, the messiah has come---somebody tell the Jews to stop reading!

CNN, get a clue for shitsakes.

photo courtesy: celebrityfix.com

SNEAKY

Perhaps you Oprah viewers have heard about the lawsuit against Jessica Seinfeld, left (yeah, Jerry's slutty wife, who he dumped his former fiancee to marry), whose recipe book "Deceptively Delicious" (stupid title) is sneakily similar to the one published by Missy Chase Lapine, right, titled "The Sneaky Chef." Both focus on recipes that include pureed vegetables into otherwise kid-friendly meals. Like Kraft Dinner (with pureed broccoli), and Tater Tots (with masticated prune). Delish!

According to the New York Times, Lapine is "expanding her lawsuit." Now, Lapine (Missy Chase to you!) will sue HarperCollins, the publisher of Seinfeld's book, as well as expanding her claims against Seinfeld herself-- that Miss J stole her hairstyle, eyebrow shape, dimples, nose, and frozen smile.

Sue, baby! I'm with ya! Mr. J made millions on his show, and of course we wouldn't begrudge him, except for those last two seasons after Larry David left, and we realized Seinfeld was nothing-- I say nothing! --without him. So spread the wealth around, baby. Anyone who can sneak regurgitated zucchini into a glass of chocolate milk deserves the largesse.

Getty Images/ Associated Press

BOY'S LIFE

Ryan Phillippe goes gay? On a rebound from Reese? No, no, this was 10 years ago.

There was "Dante's Peak" and "Volcano." There was "Apocalypse," "Deep Impact," and "Last Night." There was "Twister" and "A Mighty Wind." Whoops-- scratch that. And there was "54" and it's doppleganger, "The Last Days of Disco," two not-very good movies about, well, the last days of disco. "Last Days" was better, if only for Chloë Sevigny and Kate Beckinsale, who added some glitz to the usual host of upperclass prep school twits you see in a Whit (who?) Stillman film. Whit hasn't made a movie since, so we'll forgive you for not knowing the name. In short, his movies are about a bunch of nerdy guys you would never see at Studio 54 unless a volcano, a twister, an asteroid, and a mighty wind had struck the lower upper west side.

"54" was a better representation of the people you would have seen at 54, although the main characters were all straight people with a distaste for gay fucky-fucky, since gay fucky-fucky was represented by the hilariously creepy Mike Myers as Steve Rubell. "54" was directed by Mark Christopher (?), best known for his contributions to the "Boy's Life" series. And no, they're not like the Hardy Boys, except in your gay dreams. So it makes sense to read that the original cut for the film, recently premiered at LA outfest, was all about the boy's life of Shane O'Shea (played by Ryan), exploring his relationship with Greg (Breckin Meyer), as well as a bunch of other guys.

Apparently the studio-- the movie studio, not "54" -- baulked at the gayness of the original cut, forcing Christopher to remove the gay stuff and add in a love story with Neve Campbell. Maybe that's why the movie was so terrible? Chopped up and re-edited? The new version was enthusiastically received at its premiere, but can you trust a bunch of gays guys at a gay festival watching Ryan making out with Breckin Meyer? It's like the Golden Girls at Chippendales-- they're expected to hoot and holler.

SUNDAY ROSE, BORN ON A MONDAY

No, don't adjust your monitor colour. They're both wearing shades of dishwater beige on their bodies, hair, and faces, but somehow they still clash. Could it be that touch of rose on Keith Urban's face? Is that where Nicole got the second part of her baby's name? Or is his skin so shiny he's reflecting the wall behind them?

The Huffington Post surmises Nicole Kidman chose her baby girl's name as a criticism of Scientology, which she adopted when married to Tom Cruise, then kicked out of the house like a devil child when Cruise started auditioning for a more malleable Stepford Wife. Sunday Rose was named for Sundays (not sundaes), important to Nicole's (original) Catholic faith. You know. Day of rest, etc. The word "rest" was banished from Chez Cruise, 'cause Tommy's always go-go-go! Saving lives, directing traffic, buzzin' with energy, tap-tap-tappin' his feet even when he's on the seat! Senator Craig should have used the "Cruise" defense, then sued the airport for having spaces under their wall stalls where his frenetic soft-shoe could be misconstrued.

Back to that blanched and de-freckled goddess, Nicole. Did she really name her baby as a way to stick it to her former faux-hubbie? If so-- how does the new hubbie feel? He's a full hat and lifts taller than Tommy, but still, his baby girl's name will forever suggest Tommy's Scientology mind-control is a potent obstacle to overcome. Nicole should just get over it. Trade her E-meter for a velvet pillow and move on.

SNOW JOB

Tony Snow, the Bush Administration's press secretary, has died of colon cancer at 53. He took the job after Scott McLellan left to write a scathing tell-all about things we never suspected-- they lied to start the Iraq war? Shocking!

Snow was better than McLellan, that's for sure. If he didn't die, he could've run for president some day-- shit, Mitt Romney did it based on his looks alone. Oh yeah, and his millions.

McLellan, on the other hand, would sweat even answering questions about his kids. Never did get comfortable with that stick up his ass reminding him to "say nothing, say nothing!" Look-- even his photo is sweating.


Photo: AP

DELTA GAMMA GIRLS ARE COME HUNGRY

Come hungry. Leave Happy. The girls of Delta Gamma want to adopt the IHOP slogan as their own! Oh, it looks innocent to the parents reading the Delta Gamma blog, but the boys on campus know the DG house is the place to go while they're washing their splodge rags at the campus laundrymat. No fuss, no muss, it's the girls of Delta Gamma! Better way to pass the time than reading an old US Magazine with a bald Britney cover while you're watching the clothes go 'round.

Shouldn't the term "come hungry" be retired along with the term "gay" for "merry"? No, not "Mary." Maybe-- "festive?" Dammit, those gaylords ruin everything! While we're at it, what genius devised the "Bayer Back & Body" campaign? You just know it was a big old Queen with an anti-safe-sex agenda. It's the perfect alibi if you're too damn cheap to go to the pharmacy for condoms. When things start to get intimate, just say you need a Bayer Back & Body, and your trick will think he better not wriggle too much while he's sitting on your face. When he gets his positive tests back-- for herpes (or whatever), you can reply, "well, I did say I need a bare backin' buddy!" You'll be home free!

Come on, you get it. Say it out loud. "Bayer Back & Body." And for those not hip to gay parlance-- riding "Bareback" means without a saddle. Like "Bareback Mountain." Keep up, grandma.

JUDGE BRITNEY

Remember-- judge not, lest ye be judged. Next time you come back from a hot date with Madonna and try to catch a few snoozes with a plague of photogs running straight at your car, let's see how you look. That's right, like hell. I see you there, picking your nose at your computer.

Yeah, that's right, we're everywhere, we're peepin' at YOU. Just be glad I'm not taking a photo. (Who would care? The person who uses the Xerox after you, that's who. Set the Hygiene Police on your ass. You'll get strapped buck-naked to a table and scrubbed down with Purell, like Meryl Streep in "Silkwood." Ooh, I'm getting a Silkwoody just thinking about it.)

Anyway, bitch can't help when her eyes involuntarily roll back in her head while some asshole with a lens captures the Kodak moment-- but bitch can pay attention to what she wears. What the hell is that? Grandma's housecoat with a doily stitched to her noobs? Was Madonna trying to practice tongue-to-tongue for the upcoming tour, so Brit snuck out disguised as the maid?

Photo courtesy Splash

BATBROAD

Katie Holmes was "unable to reprise her part" of BM's girlfriend in the Batman sequel The Dark Knight. "Unable," code for "Tom won't be compared to anyone wearing a black leather codpiece. And bat-nipples." Just to be careful, Tommy-Love is stashing his latex jockstraps in the safe.

Maggie Gyllenhaal was chosen instead. Apparently there were rumours Maggie had made "unkind remarks about Holmes' performance."

Gyllenhaal denies the remarks, but thought she should get Holmes' blessing anyway, by email-- then decided, having such kind thoughts about Katie's acting, that he would have to make the character "a whole new woman." Hmm, a woman who can act better? You can read the full story here.

I don't want to get on the "bash Katie Holmes" bandwagon. Jesus Christ, the girl's made a pact with the she-devil, give her a break. But she did look like "I'm a big girl now!" in her role as the assistant district attorney. Maggie looks like someone who's actually been around-- you know, had a real baby, has a real husband, isn't shoved in a cryogenic tube when she gets home.

Besides, the producers would either have to spend a fortune on hair extensions for Katie, or otherwise explain her else hairstyle-- is she now a villainess? "Cleopatra Cruise" or "The Flapper!"

Photo courtesy Warner Brothers

PRUNES

Though Jessica is giving us her best 'prune' above, apparently, she gorges on meat and only meat. As we reported earlier, Jessica wore a 'Real Girls Eat Meat' t-shirt to crap on Carrie Underwood for being a big Vegetarian. Well, Pamela Anderson has chimed in. The Sun reports:

Speaking on radio in Australia - where she's waiting to go into the Big Brother house - the star slammed her rival buxom blonde. Pammi blasted: "I think she is a bitch and a whore. Actually, I don't know if she was talking about food or men."

Which I thought was a fantastic, to-the-point, matter-of-fact statement that has the brevity of the best Canadian fiction. Although her boobies have been placed and replaced several times, and Tommy's been in and out, in and out, she still has her head screwed on straight. Of course she wavers: after calling Jessica a whore, Pammi retracts by admitting she didn't really know what Jessica meant. The Sun, however, now reports that Jessica:

..."was deeply hurt and upset at the comments. To say Jessica is mad about it is an understatement. She is disgusted at Pamela's remarks and fully intended to go after her, until her family made her see sense. Her folks told her NOT to make a big deal of it - as that would only get Pamela the press she's so desperate for. So Jessica is keeping quiet as she's the one on the way up, while Pamela Anderson is on the way down."

I don't think either of these prunes are on their way up-- but down sounds about right.

Thanks to Idontreallylikeyouinthatway.com
Photo courtesy hollyscoop.com

SO?MANTHA RONSON

Perez Hilton is reporting today, emphasizing the 'man' in 'Samantha', as he so girlishly does, that Sam gave Lindsay a commitment ring for her 22nd birthday and it just happens to cost $22,000!

According to the Daily Mirror:

An insider told the paper, "Sam took Lindsay shopping to celebrate her 22nd birthday. Although Lindsay is the major breadwinner, Sam has her own money and is very proud. It's not an engagement ring - simply a token of her commitment. Lindsay is thrilled and she and Sam are very content."

I didn't know but evidently S'man Ronson is slow or in special needs classes: "Sam has her own money and is very proud.". . . God, that is so insulting. Not only does being a dyke make you a man, but it also makes you retarded. And, if she spent 2 months salary on that ringie-ding (as suggested by who? Who? The goddam jewelry companies, I bet, like Hallmark created Mother's Day), that means S'man makes-- $11,000 a month? Peanuts compared to Lindzzey, but hey, more than I make all year.

And apparently they are "very content". I'm so jealous! Why can't I find love like that? I think S'man is a hottie (and so is her sexy little brother, Mark Ronson, Amy Winehouse's producer, look at him below, look how he's looking at me!),


and since Lindsay's trap has been shut for months now (no, not that trap, I'm sure her firecrotch is starting all those goddam fires in Big Sur), obviously it's the smartest thing she's ever done, getting all lesbian'd up-- and so, for all that's holy in the name of Alice B. Toklas and her tender buttons, LEAVE LINDSAY ALONE!!!!!!! Oh, Chrissy Croker, where are you now?

photos courtesy: evilbeetgossip.com

BARON OF HUMOUR

Ok, this is funny, I must admit. I was a little Sacha Baron Cohen-ed out after Borat but I love his homophobe-jabbing. According to The Smoking Gun, Cohen's new character (which was a regular on his TV show), Bruno, has duped a bunch of gay-hatin' Arkansas boys for his new movie, coming out next year, Brüno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt.:

"Lured by $1 beer and the prospect of "hot chicks" and "hardcore fights," thousands of Arkansans were duped last month into appearing as extras in comedian Sacha Baron Cohen's latest staged mayhem. Cohen and his confederates organized cage fighting programs on consecutive days in Texarkana and Fort Smith. Both cards ended with two male grapplers (one was identified as "Straight Dave" and wore camouflage) tearing each other's clothes off and, while in underwear, kissing down their opponent's chest. This man-on-man action triggered Fort Smith fans to throw chairs and beer at the ring, according to one cop present at the city's Convention Center."

I love that, "and his confederates."

Cohen obviously has a knack for this, juicing the gay-hating and racism out of rednecks. Well you don't have to squeeze that hard really. Why don't they ever have a sense of humour about this? I know I'm generalizing but really, didn't they see it coming, and if they didn't, why can't they just laugh and dupe him back by not reacting?

It's so easy to get a bunch of assholes drunk and watch the homophobia fly. Easy and fun! Easy and entertaining! (You know, this is sort of unrelated but a friend's mother saw Borat and was appalled by the blatant racism and anti-semitism, even knowing that Cohen himself is Jewish. Now, she is American, but she's also Canadian and has lived here for years and years. . .how significant and strange, her sense of humour and irony destroyed by the Canada/US humour divide).

Cohen even put the ad for the show on Craigslist, that little bugger! Cohen's balls are bigger than theirs will ever be! If he gave just one of his balls to all the homophobes in the U.S. they'd all have two. Apparently only comedians can make some Americans think, confront them with their own ugliness, inspire awe and shock them into action. . .

Oh, no, I forgot about Obama! How could I? He's so cute and not black and not gay so he'll make such a great president! Eeeeeeeee!

Thanks to TheSmokingGun.com

I WANT MY NICKEL BACK

God it makes me sick to write this but I'm Canadian so I have to do my part, we're a very supportive (passive aggressive), laid-back (lazy) people here for the most part. I actually put Mary Margaret O'Hara in a cab after she drank and bought us red wine and made no quirky sense about apartment hunting all night long, oh and cheered for the jocks karaoke-ing like assholes.

Nickleback just signed with LiveNation, same horrendously rich tour/everythingelse production company that signed Madonna and U2 for like 400 bazillion dollars each. Nickleback? whaa??? No numbers have been released, so we don't know how many bazillions they're making. Uggh.

Yes, llamas do cry or die or at least poo when you hear Nickelcrap and if I wake up another morning (late afternoon) and hear Nickleback man-power-singing at my head when I'm hungover and pukey, I may leave Canada for Iraq. At least our lovely Celine doesn't seem to know what she's doing or how she looks as she so innocently rock-scowls and air guitars in Vegas (see Carl Wilson's book Celine Dion's Let's Talk about Love ; great book, a little long but beginning and end are really entertaining, especially about poor Elliot Smith at the Oscars--only Celine reached out and gave him a hug as he cowered, I wish more people had done that, though her titanic love didn't help in the end).

Plus, Celine gratifies all the secretaries and medical insurance claims adjusters and call centre reps in the world. Setting their nipples akimbo. We need call centre reps' nipples erect. You should feel the sexy static when you call to complain about your lousy-ass life and measly-ass problems. Call center reps need love too, toggling between your file and Yahoo personals all day. Trust me, call centre rep is right above air traffic controller and Nickleback listener on the Most Stressful Jobs That End in Suicide List.

LEANING TOWER

Oprah's in Italy with her girlfriend Gayle, pictured at the right. Their love is secret. So are the effects of her 21-day cleansing. What happened? Her boobies are screaming to get out and her hips are telling lies.

You can tell she's in Roma because she's dressed as the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Girlfriend follows the "When in Rome" edict: load up on pasta and aim for the Leaning Tower of Pizza instead.

Photo courtesy Splash

MEET WILLIAM

Who says Liberals have no sense of humour? Okay, maybe George Soros and his moveon.org compatriots have a bit of a heavy touch (see below), but here's a video response from 236.com that's pretty hilarious. So funny that conservative radio host and Bush-lover Monica Crowley claims to have created it herself-- Jesus Christ, let the Liberals have the credit for the fun at least once-- who knows the next time they'll have any?

SOB/SCARE TACTICS

Pretty heavy handed!

On a positive note, according to "This Week with George Stephanopolous," it's the first week since the beginning of the Iraq war with no American casualties. Bad news for Obama-- could the surge really be working? Luckily, he changed his mind, and perhaps he won't be bringing the troops home as quickly as he promised.

Also on "This Week," we saw turncoat Joe Lieberman-- a former Democrat, and former Democratic vice-Presidential candidate who is so right-leaning he's officially become an Independent and now supports most Republican endeavours, even endorsing McCain for president-- whew, take a breath! --we saw Joe invoking the of fear of terrorism by reminding us the last two terrorist attacks on American soil have occurred soon after the last two presidents took office-- the bombing of the World Trade Center in '93, and the 9/11 attacks. How will the new president be "tested?" --he asks.

Since McCain, by his own admission, can't operate a computer-- is he trying to get a sympathy vote from the Coral Gables set? -- I'd rather trust the guy who's as up-to-date as the people we're trying to defeat. I hear Osama (no, not Obama) is glued to his Mac, constantly updating Perez Hilton to find out the latest on the Madonna/A-Rod/Guy Ritchie imbroglio, whereas McCain's VCR still flashes "12:00."

I prefer experience over the fresh and the new, but some experience is best used for regaling your fellow gray-haireds while sipping Tom Collinses at the clubhouse, not for leading the country out of the mess the other old boys lead us into.

BOY'S CLUB

They said having a black man as a presidential candidate would be a historical shift, monumental, a stunning sea change, blah blah blah-- but Jesus Christ, it's still two guys up there trying to out-dull the other. It's been so boring since Hillary left the race. Maybe we'd still be interested if she were still there on tv, smiling and nodding in her bright red jackets, or that yellow one with the black piping, ooo, remember that? What colour! Barack looks like a practical joker shaved a grey crayon into his concealer, and John's trying to give himself a healthy glow by using Cindy's blush. All over his face.

Okay, it's not just their dull blue suits and monotone voices and dull pasty faces. They're a couple of guys. Barack may be black, but he's still just a guy. Despite what's been said about Hillary, she's not a guy, and maybe that would have been the biggest, most monumental, most historical sea change of all.

Photo: Reuters

FIRMNESS AND COMFORT

She seems too hyped up for bed, doesn't she? "Firmness + Comfort" sound like "Cock + Vagina." The cameraman drops his equipment at the end and tears off Joey's peach catsuit-negligee. But don't do it on the mattress! At least put a towel down. Joey stripped the sheets after taking some "tips" from the director, but then she got so busy shaking her sexy 70s ass all over the bedroom she forgot to put the sheets in the dryer. And the valium in her martini.

Who was Joey Heatherton? She was cast in the title role of Lolita but her father pulled her out, thinking she might get typecast as a sex kitten. Whew! Glad that didn't happen. She did variety show skits with the likes of Paul Lynde (a special fave here at Peephole) on The Dean Martin Show, was the Serta mattress spokeslut, played Xaviera Hollander in The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington, and then-- obscurity. She reappeared briefly in '97 (at the age of 53) to pose for Playboy. Nope! No typecasting there.

I'M NOT YOUR BITCH BUT YOU'RE MINE

Why would Madonna ask Britney to participate in her new tour? Madonna has said she could never have created her career in the current restrictive pop world. Is that why she's enlisting Brit's help, to participate in a music industry that rewards lazy, uninspired, uninterested meth-faces?

Does she think audiences will attend on the hope Britney would disintegrate on stage? Or is she trying to further her "mothering" role to demonstrate even she can rehabilitate the world's messiest orphan-child-mother-bride?

photo: Wenn

BUSH PLAY

Finally Bush is doing what he should have been doing the last seven years....according to huffingtonpost.com:

US News and World Report printed a short piece about GOP fears that the President's relevance is shrinking beyond already dismal levels. Some of President Bush's allies tell the Political Bulletin they are embarrassed and angry that the White House seems to be wasting Bush's time on frivolous events when much of the country is suffering through economic hard times. "Look at the schedule for Monday," says an outside Bush adviser. "A highlight of his day was witnessing a tee ball game. ... He is being reduced to child's play."

Not sure why this is bad exactly. Embarrassed? Why, perhaps he's starting over. Look at him, reading about America with his little playmate. See the wonder in his face? He's learning about the Constitution, the Geneva Conventions, Executive Order...Dick who?

Go here for a great news report on his stellar reign and his important work now that he's on the last leg (ha!) of his presidency.

ADORABLE!

More bad news for pitbull owners (New York Times and NY Post). Luckily, the irresponsible owners in both these stories have been charged. In most cases, the owner is ultimately responsible, especially when they throw dangerous dogs into a room with sleeping children as a way to get revenge on an ex-girlfriend.

While we stress the importance of keeping dangerous dogs in check, we're also bummed that New York residents are being exhorted to call '311' to report any dangerous dog activity. Where's the balance? Why do we need more bad reports about dogs, especially when we know the news is biased, calling any dog involved in an attack a "pitbull" because it's better copy?

So, as a way to show the good side of all dogs, we're asking area residents to call 811 when they have an adorable dog sighting. Dogs playing in fountains, dogs licking little kid's faces, dogs frolicking and carousing in the park. Be sure to take pictures with your camera phones! Together, we can remind everyone that dogs love people and just don't go around looking for trouble.

Photo credit: Melissa Weidermann, barkingphoto.com

FAMILY MATTERS

The New Yorker and New York times gives rave reviews, but this widely touted Fox review by Roger Friedman seems to have all the problems of a typical conservative critique, in which the reviewer hasn't seen the movie or book, but heard it had adultery and profanity, and thus condemned it in absentia. This review is a new twist on that nugget-- Friedman has seen the movie, but is so appalled and so wishing to keep susceptible children from seeing it, he outrightly makes stuff up:

An hour and 20 minutes later, here are things you will not know: who Hancock is, where he and Theron came from (it’s telegraphed with the subtlety of a mallet that she has a past with him) and who the persons fighting them are (I have no idea).

While it's true the villainous "persons" are somewhat mysterious, because it has not been telegraphed by a mallet, Friedman can't seem to take the clues presented to come up with a feasible explanation. As for the backstory of the two character-- well, it's explained in the movie. Who they are, what they've been doing-- it's all there. Perhaps he had his head up his derriere, as he puts it (so delicately). It seems amazing, too, that Friedman is so appalled by a drunk as a superhero he can't bother to telegraph the message of the movie-- redemption. How-- Christian? Friedman states:

an "a-hole" so lacking in charisma, charm or even bravado that there’s nowhere for him to go but down from a low rung on the ladder.

Did Friedman not stay until the end? Did he not see, how loss of community and family left the hero bereft and unhinged? Did we not see how regaining love and family finally brought him back into a functioning member of society? Hasn't this been the Moral Majority's line since the mid-70's? Did we not see how the character's flippant or poorly thought-out actions came back to haunt him? Jesus, can't get more Christian that that.

Photo: Just Jared

GO TO BED WITH ITCHY BUTT--

Head butt, that is. Okay, so this is from the New Yorker. Don't roll your goddam eyes. When they're not reporting on flyfishing or pollution in the damn Yahtzee river, they have insane articles like this one. This woman had such an itchy head, she dug a hole in her skull while she was sleeping. Uh-oh, suddenly my balls feel itchy.

So, the article tells us most of the sensations we feel are "made up" in the brain, like you can get itchy by just thinking about being itchy. If you have a lot of nerve damage (she had shingles), or a missing limb, your brain gets so little input from the area it sometimes makes up something really bad happening. Like phantom pain, where people with a missing limb feel that limb is clenched or twisted or something similarly dire.

So what do doctors do about it? A neuroscientist in San Diego stuck people with only one arm in a mirrored box so it looked to the amputee as though they had two arms. The brain received visual input that everything was okay with that other arm, and after 6 weeks of therapy or so, the pain was gone. Jesus Christ, what will they think of next?

Okay, so the itchy chick had to be hogtied to a hospital bed for 2 years, and the neuroscientist only figured out a cure at the end of the article-- but still. I'm still trying to see how this miracle cure can be applied to me.

Okay-- mock up a mirror where I see myself surrounded by friends and laughing at parties and having great sex all day long, and stare at it for 6 weeks or longer...

Photograph by Gerald Slota, courtesy New Yorker.