TENDER PINK

She's like Alanis Morissette or Avril Lavigne (Canada makes bitches!) who are slotted into the punk woman-power man-hating bitch-stars with their hits "You Ought'a Know" and "Sk8ter Boy" and now "So What" --but really the songs aren't about female empowerment, they're really just raging-against-the-man-because-the-man-screwed -you-over songs, and what's more loserly than that? Get over it.

And you have to feel bad for Alanis. I mean, it was revealed she wrote "You Ought'a Know" about being dumped by Dave Coulier from "Full House" -- imagine how she feels about getting dumped by Ryan Reynolds for Scarlett Johnassen? Ouch! Where's the big hit about that one, Alanis? Get that big old butt off the cookie wagon and get angry, beyotch!

And I know Avril's song isn't about being dumped by the guy, but she takes such pleasure that the ballet-girl passed over the sk8ater boi so she, Avril, could be the one to acknowledge his greatness/give him approbation. I mean, if she gets all her own approbation from pumping up the guy/dumping on the girl, don't you think she's setting herself up to get shit on? Yeah, so punk, so do-it-yourself.

The Pink (or P!nk, how Pun&!) video is weird because she obviously acknowledges the guy (her husband) hurt her, and that she really isn't all "so what" about the whole thing. If she really having "more fun?" It's all the manufactured, record-company-exec's-idea-of-fun-- Pink smashing a guitar, Pink chainsawing a tree. Methinks the Pinks doth protest too much. Plus it's really gross her ex-husband appears in the video with his ugly greasy Pete Wentz-beaver-tail-with-skunk-streak hair-do. Jesus Christ, it's the public relations stunt Madonna would have pulled if Guy Ritchie didn't hate her guts.

THEY'LL ALWAYS HAVE SWEPT AWAY

And so will we. Thank you, Madonna and Guy.

SHERLOCK HOLMES SNATCHED FROM OBSCURITY

Finally! The Sun (UK) reports that it's over for Madonna and Guy Ritchie. The picture above is the two before his 39th birthday with a Purple Penetrator Strap-On in her bag.

The singer's spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg said the couple had agreed to separate. In a short statement – co-signed by Guy’s representative – she added the couple had not agreed a settlement. It read: “Madonna and Guy Ritchie have agreed to divorce after seven-and-a-half years of marriage, their representatives confirmed today. “They have both requested that the media maintain respect for their family at this difficult time.”

I guess Guy has had enough and wants his new production, 'No Shit Sherlock' to do well...ok, I don't know what it's called, but obviously he realized that Madonna's balls were in too deep. And getting Deeper and Deeper.

TAWNY LEGGINGS

I overheard two girls the other day actually talking about leggings. "If they have no feet,"one girl said, "they're called leggings." She was wearing leggings that made her look like a tattooed lady. It was hard not to notice.

It is the hallmark of a courteous society, that when you meet a friend and can't help staring at some crazy shit she's wearing, her ridiculous new hairstyle or her badly-tinted face, and the friend sees that you're staring, you must offer a compliment. "Oh, I love that shade of fuchsia on you! It really brings out the pink in your eyes! I mean, no one pays attention to that stupid "what's your season" stuff anymore; today's Albino is breaking all the rules!"

We all know Lindsay Lohan has her own line of leggings, so when we see her at the opening of Madonna's new movie, we say, "yo, Lo!" (We know how the kids today like to 'rap.') "Yo, those new leggings are fly! Freckled orange-tinted tawny is like the new-nude, beyotch!"

Photo: Wenn

AW, SHUCKS

Camille Paglia is nuts. From Salon:

And where is all that lurid sexual fantasy coming from? When I watch Sarah Palin, I don't think sex -- I think Amazon warrior! I admire her competitive spirit and her exuberant vitality, which borders on the supernormal. The question that keeps popping up for me is whether Palin, who was born in Idaho, could possibly be part Native American (as we know her husband is), which sometimes seems suggested by her strong facial contours. I have felt that same extraordinary energy and hyper-alertness billowing out from other women with Native American ancestry -- including two overpowering celebrity icons with whom I have worked.

One of the most idiotic allegations batting around out there among urban media insiders is that Palin is "dumb." Are they kidding? What level of stupidity is now par for the course in those musty circles? (The value of Ivy League degrees, like sub-prime mortgages, has certainly been plummeting. As a Yale Ph.D., I have a perfect right to my scorn.) People who can't see how smart Palin is are trapped in their own narrow parochialism -- the tedious, hackneyed forms of their upper-middle-class syntax and vocabulary.

and

Even if she disappears from the scene forever after a McCain defeat, Palin will still have made an enormous and lasting contribution to feminism. As I said in my last column, Palin has made the biggest step forward in reshaping the persona of female authority since Madonna danced her dominatrix way through the shattered puritan barricades of the feminist establishment. In 1990, in a highly controversial New York Times op-ed that attacked old-guard feminist ideology, I declared that "Madonna is the future of feminism" -- a prophecy that was ridiculed at the time but that turned out to be quite true. Madonna put pro-sex feminism on the international map.

But it is now 18 years later -- the span of an entire generation. The instabilities and diminishments for young women raised in an increasingly shallow media environment have become all too obvious. I had grown up in a vibrant pop culture with glorious women stars of voluptuous sensuality -- above all Elizabeth Taylor, sewn into that silky white slip as the vixen Manhattan call girl of "Butterfield 8."

I agree. If I hadn't seen 'Butterfield 8', I wouldn't be the wearing the slip I'm wearing today.

Camille is so transparent. She only likes the girls she wants to fuck. If you're pretty and you crave attention and you're a woman, you rule! She's like my insane friend who screams "Queen!" in a movie theatre whenever her favourite actresses appear on screen. Screen scream queen-- say that 3 times fast!

I guess Katie Couric is too demure and eyelash-batting, she's not frenetic enough to get Camille's favour. Oh, I mean, she's a viper, no explanation necessary! I guess I'll have to search through all my Camille backlogs to find where she tells us-- or maybe it's in one of her controversial and provocative best-selling books, or one of her award-winning and culturally-prescient articles?

About Palin's syntax-- well, I agree with breaking grammar rules or using the local vernacular, but there's also breaking grammar rules and using vernacular in a way you can understand. I have another friend (yes, SO many friends!) who just talks and talks to fill up air, the way Sarah does.

But she's my friend, and she's not explaining the course our friendship will take over the next four years, the way she'll be using the money she collects from me, the improvements she'll be making to my environment (including a fabulous conversation piece in my living room, the staircase to nowhere), as well as how she means to take care of me when I'm sick or when I retire. Maybe then I'd sit up and pay attention, parse her conversation style for obfuscations, raise my eyebrows when I detect she's laying on the bullshit-- just as we should do with Sarah Palin.

SINEWY & SCARY & STICKY & STUPID TOUR

Her vagina must be so hot! Here's Madonna airing it out in Wales, kicking off her tour in several tight muscleman poses. During the song, "Get Stupid", she flashed images that have 'outraged' the McCain camp.

Per Huffington Post:

"As Madonna kicked off her international "Sticky and Sweet" tour Saturday night, she took a none-too subtle swipe at the presumptive Republican nominee for U.S. president.

Amid a four-act show at Cardiff's packed Millennium Stadium, a video interlude carried images of destruction, global warming, Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler, Zimbabwe's authoritarian President Robert Mugabe _ and U.S. Senator John McCain. Another sequence, shown later, pictured slain Beatle John Lennon, followed by climate activist Al Gore, Mahatma Gandhi and finally McCain's Democratic rival Barack Obama."

So, according to Yahoo News,the McCain camp is fighting back, I guess, in an old-timer-sort of way:

"The comparisons are outrageous, unacceptable and crudely divisive all at the same time," Bounds said in a statement reported by Fox News. "It clearly shows that when it comes to supporting Barack Obama, his fellow worldwide celebrities refuse to consider any smear or attack off limits."

That's true but then they added: 'Get off my lawn, you you you little bastards!'

Just joshin'.

Will Madonna ever give up Marlene Dietrich? Sorry, but Madonna trying to be controversial at this point is just sadness. Steroid sadness.

50 at 25

Video Response!

BITE THE WEINER I MEAN WINNER

That's not wallpaper, that's cover your balls-paper.

We know she's going to vote for McCain. He adopted a baby from Bangladesh, which is right on the border of Zamboobia, where Angelina does all her baby-shopping (at least her first). McCain's got Madonna's vote as well. And A-Rod's, A-Rod's wife, Lenny Kravtiz', Roxie Roker's, Mr. Bentley's-- McCain will win the election by 6 degrees of separation!

THE OTHER SCIENTOLOGY

I have got to get me some religion. Finally, an excuse for acting the way I do! I searched my heart, and God told me the best way to proceed, and it just happened to correspond with my own greedy needs. Hallelujah! It worked for W, it seems to work for the nasty cross-wearing, Jesus-bumperstickered Hispanics in my neighbourhood who regularly spit and curse at the pasty white folks who've recently moved in from the city-- it seems their version of "love thy neighbour" comes with certain caveats.

What Would Jesus Do? Whatever the hell he pleases! He's Jesus Christ, for Chrissake. He's a fucking rock star. He doesn't trash the hotel room, he sends it hurtling into the fucking sun.

I don't mean to sound like the Moral Majority, but things really start to go to hell when people remove the idea of sacrifice from their religion (and life during wartime, but that's another topic). There's a great piece in "Talk of the Town" about Kabbalah, that other religion so hot amongst the pious and saintly of Holywoodland. It seems the version of Kabbalah so popular amongst Madonna and those she's strong-armed to accept it-- Guy Ritchie, A-Rod, the backsliding Britney-- is more about self-realization, and less about ascetiscim and self-denial.

I am crushed! You mean Madonna isn't actually qualified for sainthood, or whatever the hell the Kabballics confer upon their holiest? And here I thought I only had to spend more time in the gym and marry a stupid young stud like Demi Moore did to start my spiritual ascension.

Gotta keep trying. There's got to be a silver bullet so I can deflect all criticism and fulfill all my craven needs without having to work that hard. Maybe Landmark?

OH REALLY?

According to the Internet Movie Database, the #4 best movie of all time premiered last night. It was #4 before it was even released. It has a rating of 9.7 out of 10, better than any other movie. Jesus Christ, why didn't Madonna think of that? She should have overdosed on sleeping pills or pilates or whatever before "Swept Away," maybe she too could have received an Oscar nod.

To think Batman can defeat not only the Joker, but Kurosawa, Bergman, Orson Welles, Sergio Leone, Fellini, etc, etc--

--but the Shawshank Redemption is still undefeated! Says something about the people who vote on imdb.

And who's Morgan Freeman screwing to be in two top 5 movies?

Image courtesy powet.tv

JUDGE BRITNEY

Remember-- judge not, lest ye be judged. Next time you come back from a hot date with Madonna and try to catch a few snoozes with a plague of photogs running straight at your car, let's see how you look. That's right, like hell. I see you there, picking your nose at your computer.

Yeah, that's right, we're everywhere, we're peepin' at YOU. Just be glad I'm not taking a photo. (Who would care? The person who uses the Xerox after you, that's who. Set the Hygiene Police on your ass. You'll get strapped buck-naked to a table and scrubbed down with Purell, like Meryl Streep in "Silkwood." Ooh, I'm getting a Silkwoody just thinking about it.)

Anyway, bitch can't help when her eyes involuntarily roll back in her head while some asshole with a lens captures the Kodak moment-- but bitch can pay attention to what she wears. What the hell is that? Grandma's housecoat with a doily stitched to her noobs? Was Madonna trying to practice tongue-to-tongue for the upcoming tour, so Brit snuck out disguised as the maid?

Photo courtesy Splash

I'M NOT YOUR BITCH BUT YOU'RE MINE

Why would Madonna ask Britney to participate in her new tour? Madonna has said she could never have created her career in the current restrictive pop world. Is that why she's enlisting Brit's help, to participate in a music industry that rewards lazy, uninspired, uninterested meth-faces?

Does she think audiences will attend on the hope Britney would disintegrate on stage? Or is she trying to further her "mothering" role to demonstrate even she can rehabilitate the world's messiest orphan-child-mother-bride?

photo: Wenn