NOURISH THE INNER ASS

Gwyneth's latest newsletter has been sent to all her faithful subscribers, and the mail Gwyn's been getting (and responding to) is both touching and inspiring. We reprint some of the ways Gwyn has been reaching out to those all over the country, encouraging them, in the motto of GOOP.com, to "nourish the inner ass."

Dear GOOP,

I am a single mother of 4 in Boise Idaho. I couldn’t afford my mortgage payments and put food on the table with just my WalMart job, so I recently took another job in the evening working at a convenience store. I have enough time to run home between jobs, cook dinner for my kids, and usually eat in the car on the way to my evening shift. By the time I get home I’m dead tired, but have to make the kids’ lunches for the morning, then off to bed for maybe 4 hours before I need to get up and start taking care of my 4 year old.

My doctor tells me I need to lose wait, and I like your way, but I just can’t find the time to devote 8 hours to sleep every night. I can’t really spend any time walking even on the weekends because those are my shopping and chore days. I would love to make better food for my kids but I don’t have the time, and I can’t really afford more than the prepackaged stuff. What is your suggestion so I can handle my weight?

Sincerely,

Big Betsy

Dear Betsy,

First, you’ve been filling your mind (and your letter!) will all sorts of “can’ts.” You need to cleanse your mind of all those “can’ts” if you’re going to be the beautiful and successful mother her children deserves.

Think of it as resistance training—every time you think you “can’t” do something –resist that thought! Make your mind shoot back immediately, “I can!” Best of all, this kind of resistance training is free, so it's easily within your grasp and budget.

Soon you’ll find all those pesky "can’ts" have been replaced with "cans," and you’ll find less reasons for why you “can’t” get 8 hours of sleep every night, or “can’t” make your kids delicious, nutritious meals (look for my new lead-free tuna salad recipe in an upcoming newsletter—it makes a scrummy lunch), or you “can’t” buy organic. Before you get your body in shape, you need to get your mind in shape. Good Luck!

Luvs and Kisses, Gwyn.

Look for more letters soon on Peephole.

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BE

What is it with Gwyneth Paltrow? When she was going out with Brad Pitt she looked so scared and deer-headlight-like, pushed around by the press. She was cute then. Now look at her in the Tod's ad above. I just wanna kill her.

Well she has a new website called, Goop, where she enlightens us with such useful advice/affirmations, such as:

"Make your life good. Invest in what's real. Cook a meal for someone you love. Pause before reacting. Clean out your space. Read something beautiful. Treat yourself to something. Go to a city you've never been to. Learn something new. Don't be lazy. Workout and stick with it. GOOP. Make it great."

As usual, wealthy stars have no idea what its like for people like me. The website launches Thursday. I'll wait till then to not be lazy and not want to die. She doesn't mention dying, but I presume dying is not part of her lifestyle. Goop this.

COLDPLAY STEALS, WILL STEAL AGAIN

Now, according to the blog of everyone's sweatheart, Courtney Love, the first time she met Chris Martin she flipped out while he was playing "Clocks" on the piano at the Chateau Marmont in LA:

Chris was playing the song CLoCkS on the piano, I was so out of my mind, I thought it was my song, my piano riff, I was pissed! I thought he was playing my song,

Then, after hemming and hawing over whether to visit her dearest bestest galpal Gwyneth in London-- apparently Gwyn sparkles like a glow-in-the-dark dildo and it makes Cuntrey jealous like a kookoo banana-- she makes the trip and is greeting like an American Princess chez PalMart. Chris is just dying to play her a song:

(Chris) says I have the song I have the song hes sayswhat songs I say? That song CLOCKS YOU STOLE FROM ME? he laughs in that laconic way, it's very lovely laugh, he's the point to the whole damn story..

So, back in LA, was Cuntrey being Cherry Koo Koo, the bad girl of the 3000 faces of Cuntrey, and now, in London, basking in the amazing, eternal, ethereal, xanadu-ish, honey-like, laser-like glow of Gwyneth and her leg-clinging brood that grapple her gams so precipitously they're basically begging for Courtney to spill coffee on their heads (mmmm, coffee and apple), and so disarmed by Chris Martin and his laconic, lovely laugh-- that she's back to being that simple, honest, forgiving, carefree, funloving, lipsmacking gal we all know as "Just Courtney"? Stay that way for a while, baby, at least until Apple and Moses are old enough-- Moses will want to remember the sight of Auntie Cuntrey flailing, drunk and naked, down the hallowed halls of Chez PalMart.