BOO

Women are scary! That's why you see so many frat boys dressed as women at Hallowe'en. I'm surprised we don't see more guys dressed up as vaginas, bloody tampons, or positive pregnancy tests. Hallowe'en is all about the taboo shit, and if you can be it, you dispel it's power. That's why you see so many frat boys wearing big afros too. Oooo, scary!

Well fellas, whatever happens next Tuesday, the blacks or the women are taking over. According to the voters of rural Pennsylvania and Ohio, if Obama is elected president, we'll all be forced to become black. So guys, get your afro wigs out, because after Tuesday you'll be shot if you're not a bro'.

Alternatively, we could have Sarah Palin as the holder of the nuclear codes. OOOhhh, eeekkk, aaahhhh!

CIVILIZATION AND MY DISCONTENTS

"People would think I'd have enough money, but I do have a very expensive, or comparatively expensive, divorce. I feel angry sometimes. But my anger is not so much about sharing the property but having to go on working hard to provide alimony for someone who's already going to have at least 10 million dollars' worth of property. In my 70th year I will still be spending two months a year doing work that is of no interest to me and which is probably slightly spiritually depleting in order to feed the beast."

I'm not a big Monty Python fan because I get bored of it easily, but I've always secretly liked John Cleese. Ironically, he reminds me of my beast, my psychiatrist, who used to spray me with torturous questions without looking at me, in a dry condescending tone, never laughing at my nervous jokes before he'd finally dole out the happy pills. His 70s Bob Newhart office, brown slacks with blue socks and Birkenstocks, and quite often, a schizophrenic or two outside the door talking to themselves, will always warm my heart. God, I was so scared of him. Being the borderline I am, loving the beast is my problem, fear/inferiority mixed with lust is my downfall. Anyway, Cleese reminds me of him and so when I read the above I was annoyed that if his ex-wife can get 10 million out of him, he must have at least double that or more anyway, so what's he crying about. And then I was sad that he had to work at age 70 to pay her. And then I was annoyed again because fuck, like I don't have a fucking spiritually depleting job too and nowhere near 10 million dollars, hardly able to buy groceries, vodka. And then I was sort of hot for him for marrying a psychiatrist, my ultimate fantasy. Alice Faye Eichelberger, his ex, is the author of How to Manage Your Mother: Understanding the Most Difficult, Complicated, and Fascinating Relationship in Your Life. And, she studied at the The Hampstead Clinic with Anna Freud. All that FREE probing on a daily basis. I guess he's paying for the freebies and his transference sins now. Beautiful therapists will shrink your balls eventually.

LAYING PIPE BOMBS

Wowza. Fucking Fair and Fucking Balanced! And Fucking Strange. . .what's going on here? Fox News is now dipping into the Obama pool of fame. I guess they've decided he's going to win.

You know, I was born in Israel and listened to my father talk about it my entire life, in and out of consciousness (my consciousness) and I can't even begin to understand all the intricacies of middle-eastern politics, so this is especially hilarious for me. Joe the Plumber talking about Israel whilst knowing absolutely nothing about it. Why would he agree to the interview? Actions speak louder than words, Joe.

I hear now that ol' Joe's coming out with a country album; 12 all- new, re-tooled, unlicensed versions of the David Wilcox classic 'Wacking Wacked Out Sarah With My Pipe'.

I put the pipe in
I pull it out again
My back is so sore
I can't work much more
I can't get my traction
The ground's too wet
I take a ten minute break
Ah smoke a cigarette
I don't mind the night shift
The cool breeze when the sun goes down
Winter time the ground is hard
Take twice as long to drill down

I'm layin' pipe All night long
Layin' pipe I'm working so hard
I'm layin' pipe All night long
Layin' pipe To satisfy that woman

(real lyrics for 'Laying Pipe')

AND I RAN

Here lies (!) another stupid ad from the McCain camp. The music here is by Djivan Gasparyan, an Armenian 'master' duduk player. The duduk is oboe-like and made of the wood from the apricot tree and is the national instrument of Armenia. Ancient, sad, and also loved in Iran. I'm so deeply offended but can't pinpoint yet why. I guess I feel a little raped or something.

This is for my sister, a little too 'modern' for me. Nune Yesayan and Djivan Gasparyan, 'Die Yaman':

REDISTRIBUTING HENDRIK

Does anyone else feel the tingling when they read Hendrik Hertzberg in The New Yorker? I'm just spreading his wealth around.

Hendrik Hertzberg in his Comment in the New Yorker this week:

During the 2000 campaign, on MSNBC’s “Hardball,” a young woman asked him why her father, a doctor, should be “penalized” by being “in a huge tax bracket.” McCain replied that “wealthy people can afford more” and that “the very wealthy, because they can afford tax lawyers and all kinds of loopholes, really don’t pay nearly as much as you think they do.” The exchange continued:

YOUNG WOMAN: Are we getting closer and closer to, like, socialism and stuff?. . .
MCCAIN: Here’s what I really believe: That when you reach a certain level of comfort, there’s nothing wrong with paying somewhat more.

For her part, Sarah Palin, who has lately taken to calling Obama “Barack the Wealth Spreader,” seems to be something of a suspect character herself. She is, at the very least, a fellow-traveller of what might be called socialism with an Alaskan face. The state that she governs has no income or sales tax. Instead, it imposes huge levies on the oil companies that lease its oil fields. The proceeds finance the government’s activities and enable it to issue a four-figure annual check to every man, woman, and child in the state. One of the reasons Palin has been a popular governor is that she added an extra twelve hundred dollars to this year’s check, bringing the per-person total to $3,269. A few weeks before she was nominated for Vice-President, she told a visiting journalist—Philip Gourevitch, of this magazine—that “we’re set up, unlike other states in the union, where it’s collectively Alaskans own the resources. So we share in the wealth when the development of these resources occurs.” Perhaps there is some meaningful distinction between spreading the wealth and sharing it (“collectively,” no less), but finding it would require the analytic skills of Karl the Marxist.

UNFAIR AND UNBALANCED

What a fucking bitch. "Fox news it always fair and balanced" God, makes me sick. Just watch her talking over him when it's his turn. The Fox "newscasters" are robots. They're like every successful person, the boss you hate with no human emotion, no empathy, no manners!

Fake criticisms. She's the one being sarcastic yet she throws the criticism first so she can be like a pre-schooler, "called it!" Like that makes you fireproof. How do you win against such pushy liars? That's why Republicans tend to win, they're more willing to be monsters, winning monsters, and everyone wants to be a monster I mean a winner.

BARACK FOR PRESIDENT

Okay, so we're still waiting for Angelina's endorsement, but we got the New York Times, so I think we can safely say that Peephole supports Barack Obama for President. Additionally, we support Sarah Palin's view in Peephole, I mean People Magazine, that she:

can always go home again and just be Mom and be perfectly happy and fulfilled with the blessings that God has given [them]. And with a great marriage and great parents and siblings and children, [she] could today go home and just be Mom.

Everybody wins!

We apologize to those in states like Ohio, Texas, and Florida that have early voting. If you voted before you saw our endorsement, and mistakenly voted for the wrong candidate, please go to your local Acorn registration center where you can sign up to vote again. You should probably sign up to vote twice, so as to cancel out your earlier vote for McCain.

We must admit there is one regret in casting our lot with Obama-- remember how dull the campaign became when Hillary dropped from the race? Just imagine the dreariness of 8 years of happiness, prosperity, and well-wishes from the other nations of the world; 8 years without Cindy McCain and her hair pulled back so tight her scalp is screaming; 8 years without Sarah and her brood of Trig and Trog and Brig and Willow, and Todd and his new sidekick Levi, riding shotgun (ha! get it?), as they embark on their cross-country Zamboni races.

We're left with the boring dullness of the non-flashy, non-trashy Obamas and Bidens. At least we still have a financial meltdown to look forward to-- and that of course means more Barney Frank! So cheers to Barney, hoping he maintains the freakish colour we've come to expect from our elected officials!

BRISTOL-PACKIN' MOMMA

People magazine interview Sarah Palin.

The article is titled "My Wedding Hope for Bristol," which should be subtitled 'I hope there'll be a wedding.' I guess it all depends on you voters on November 4th! Free Levi! You know IF Sarah loses she'll be pesona non grata in the Republican Party, she'll go back to her igloo-castle up in the hinterlands, and no one will care whether Levi and Bristol get married. Don't ruin their lives forever! Vote Democratic!

You know you're in shit when PeepHole, I mean People Magazine starts grilling you. But she asked for it-- did she really need to say she was a voracious reader, or agree she's an intellectual? How many voracious readers do you know who can't tell you what they're reading? Well, to be fair, after being pressed, she mentions one book, "The Looming Tower," and from the title I was sure it was one of those "Left Behind" pieces of crap, you know, like where everyone goes to Alaska before the rapture?

Some other interesting stuff-- she doesn't seem to care that Levi is dropping out of school, noting a lot of "successful" families are headed by guys with GEDs. She also says she's not against sex ed to prevent unwanted pregnancies, although "abstinence" is preferable.

They also call their new, um, autistic baby "Uncle Trig." It's all in the family.

JON HAMM SAVES SNL AND ME

Yes, I know SNL is in the midst of a 'comeback' with all the Sarah Palin/Tina Fey crapola but have you watched beyond the opening skit? God, sucks the life out of you. Jon Hamm last night saved it all. I laughed semi-consistently, floored by his hotness and talent and Charles Mason impression (of all people). He was stellar, never flubbed, and seemingly memorized his lines so never had to look past his skit co-star to read behind their head. A nice change.
Ok, so I have the hots for him. I want him, I want Don Draper, and let's see about getting me out of this skirt!

$150,000 FORCLOTHESURE

Dispossession, repossession, foreclosure---Neiman Marcus evicted the devil from Sarah Palin and it only cost $150,000.
Now, she is denying it:

"That whole thing is just, bad!" she said. "Oh, if people only knew how frugal we are. I think Hillary Clinton was held to a different standard in her primary race," Palin said. "Do you remember the conversations that took place about her, say superficial things that they don't talk about with men, her wardrobe and her hairstyles, all of that? That's a bit of that double standard."

How true. Women are treated so differently than men! I know where to go for my feminism. Sarah and Hillary have so much in common breaking through that Crystal Cathedral ceiling like Sisters, Sisters, Lord help the mister who comes between me and my sister, caring, sharing every little thing that we are wearing. When a certain gentleman arrived from Rome, she wore the dress and I stayed home...

PRETTY PRETTY?

Sarah Palin's makeup stylist had the biggest salary of all McCain's employees in the first two weeks of October: $22,800.

Maybe she had to style Tina Fey's hair too? You know the McCain campaign loves that Tina Fey shit-- they're making the most ignorant and dangerous woman in the world seem like something you can laugh off!

Photo: Michael Appleton for the New York Times

GREEN DUCK BILLS

Hard to see it all-- but he's got a gun, is drinking a Bud, and his shirt says "Palin for VP : guns, god, and glory". Her shirt says, "Read my lipstick, vote McCain-Palin." Her shoes say, "tip me over and fuck me!"

I saw some McCain supporters across from the Port Authority in Midtown New York the other night at around 7:30. The location seemed perfect-- they were trying to hit the silver-haired set out for their Broadways shows, then they simply had to cross the street for their bus back to Red Neck, New Jersey or Older White Plains, New York. They looked as you'd imagine-- middle-aged women done up like newscasters with their blond bubble hairdos and too much makeup, and young Asian students with snarky faces. There were about 10 of then, which should correspond to the vote tally for McCain-Palin in NYC.

And look at those two up there. Coupl'a grossos from "The Hills." Look how posed he is, holding that beer like a straight guy holding another guy's dick. "Oh, this is-- new." Holding the book like he's Versace holding his fan. Look at her-- you might think she's puckering, but that's her new face. It's the latest surgery, a duck bill added to her equine jaw.

So natural, so in love, so caught off guard! New Republicans, this is your new look-- strike a pose, do everything to pretend you actually like yourself and like your life and like your candidates. Everyone fall in line!

Photo: Pacifac Coast News

SEEING PINK (ELEPHANTS)

Didn't Pink used to have pink hair? Now she's got a pink face and white hair. Maybe she should have stayed with the rosé tint, because otherwise, she's got a very bland face. Now, I'm not for people "jazzing" up their dull faces with crazy coloured hair or shit-in-the-face or a big crazy hat, but in Pink's case, anything that distracts from her blobby visage might be helpful.

That's Pink above, just in case you confuse her with Eddie Izzard, below.

Here's the latest quote from Pink:

"I checked into Canyon Ranch in Tucson, Arizona, in the summer and I went to see a therapist, telling him I was an alcoholic. He asked me when I'd had my last drink and I couldn't remember - it had been a few weeks previously. I then read the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) manual cover to cover and we talked. I realized I wasn't an alcoholic, just someone who likes to get drunk every now and again. I'm trying to work out if that's a bad thing."

Oh, how wonderful to be able to check one's self in to a clinic, on the inkling that one has a problem. And how wonderful to find one doesn't have a problem after all-- although one does have a new album to promote, and one has a lack of talent, and a need to inject one's self into the public consciousness.

Or, to have a public forum to discuss all my problems or imagined problems or inklings of problems. For instance, I would love to go to a spa and read a book (or manual, or whatever) and talk to a therapist about my deathly aversion to work, and have the therapist say, "so work, or don't work, what's the problem?" And then to work out for myself whether that's a bad thing.

Looking at that picture again, she kind of looks like a white Rihanna. Except uglee.

RIFT BETWEEN DICK, BUSH, COLON AND BOWELL

Say t'aint so! A gaping rift between the Dick and Bush from the Colon Bowell?

Colin Powell has formally endorsed Democratic nominee Barack Obama this morning on "Meet the Press." Powell, of course, was part of the Bush administration as Secretary of State, and along with Condoleeza Rice, the saner half that contrasted with the overwhelming influence of VP Cheney, Secretary of Defence Rumsfeld and Deputy Secretary Wolfowitz, all of whom pushed for the war in Iraq.

Although Powell eventually fell in line with the administration, and even presented the "evidence" of Saddam's accruing Weapons of Mass Destruction at the UN, the Iraq War was not executed in a manner in line with the Powell doctrine, which dictates we should have broad international support, our objective and exit strategy should be clear, all other, non-violent options have been exhausted, and that the risks and costs have been fully outlined.

Although never publicly admitting it, several sources claim that Powell was enraged by the scant evidence he was asked to present, including the now-infamous "16 words" about Saddam attempting to accrue yellow cake from Niger. Even before the evidence was presented, it had been discredited, because the letterhead was from the office of an official out of Nigerian political life for 20 years.

As the war raged on, and Powell found his influence increasingly diminished, he resigned at the end of Bush's first term (he was most likely asked to do so), to be replaced by National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice. It was only after the Democrats swept the Congressional and Senate elections in 2006 that Rumsfeld, as the scapegoat for the increasingly unpopular war, was forced to resign, allowing the saner, more diplomatic views of Powell, through Condi Rice, to be implemented, such as a bigger push for influence in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Now in public life, Powell is taking his first, tepid steps towards rebuking his former boss. His criticisms show the fracturing of the Republican party from the nutso, heavy-handed neocons, and the pragmatists, who evoke the Republicans of old, before the partisanship, before the "either with us or against us" of the Bush Doctrine, whether against other countries, or his own countrymen.

THEY'LL ALWAYS HAVE SWEPT AWAY

And so will we. Thank you, Madonna and Guy.

MCCAIN ON LETTERMAN

SAD CLOWN

What's going on in that picture? Looks like Jenny's son is trying to hide her 4 lines of cleavage and hide the scars from her full-head transplant.

Jenny must have had a full-head transplant, because what's happened to that goofy clown we once knew from "Singled Out" on MTV? How the hell I ever ended up watching that I'll never know, but Jenny of course was the standout, a pretty girl not afraid to make herself ugly for laughs.

But then, like all comedians, she wanted to be taken seriously, and is know claiming she has cured her son with a wheat and dairy free diet. Jesus Christ, Robin Williams wanted to play doctor too, but at least it was in the adorable movie Patch Adams, where he cured illnesses by wearing a big red clown nose, not prescriptions of new-agey diets.

Is she trying to get some speaking engagements? Lord know she's not working otherwise, and least, not in anything good-- anyone see "John Tucker Must Die"? Poor, poor, sad, depressing, downtrodden clown.

I just don't understand celebrities who take a stand like this, especially when it's so dangerous-- The NY Times reported in August that cases of measles are up because parents have an aversion to vaccinations, thinking they cause autism. Here is an explanation of how the theory has been debunked, detailing that the lead author hid his conflict of interest; 10 of his co-authors have retracted the implication that vaccines cause autism, and 3 are being reviewed by a medical panel to determine their fitness to practice, based on their autism research.

But all this stuff is in the New York Times and not People or US Magazine, so is it reaching the right people? Jesus Christ, I just hope Us Magazine attaches a disclaimer to the Jenny article-- "we in no way endorse the crazy musings of a lower-level no-longer-starlet trying to regain some attention/control in her life!"

Photo: Us Magazine

THE SHIT HITS

But don't bother calling Joe the Plumber because he's not even licensed.

Seems a tax analysis also reveals Joe would be available for a tax cut under Obama's plan.

Joe notes he wanted a straight answer from Obama, but got a tap dance instead --"almost as good as Sammy David Jr," he added.

Okay, so "spreading the wealth" is a euphemism for "you're going to pay taxes," so how is that tap-dancing? I guess they don't have an ear for nuance out there.

And what's wrong with "spreading the wealth"? Jesus Christ, I could hear everyone in the audience last night doing their own tap dance thinking of all that wealth being spread around. "Spread the wealth" is anathema to those rich bastard Republicans, though-- McCain paying to the base.

And why the hell should we feel bad about a plumber? Have you ever hired one? I'm so sorry Joe has to charge me $500 for my leaky faucet.

I thought McCain was overloading the tank with his Joe the Plumber crap last night, and now it looks like he even screwed the poor guy by bringing down the bright lights of investigative reporters to his door. Let's see what McCain and terrorist-pallin' Palin do next to try and flush away this latest load of shit.

IF YOU QUACK LIKE WHITE TRASH. . .

I know. I know it's obvious people feel this way but I'm 'Outraged!'.

Still, I do like to get other points of view. It's so refreshing to learn how the other half live. I just hope they're not a half + 1, if you know what I mean.

THIRD TERM ABUSHION

Who the hell is pro-abortion?

McCain at last night's debate: "the health of the of the mother, has been stretched by the pro-abortion movement in America to mean anything."

Amazing. McCain is trying to toe the extremist Evangelical line by discounting those "hysterical" women who, on a whim, pretend to be crazy because they SO LOVE to have a third-term abortion. I mean, they could have it early on, but they just want to wait until the later third term because they are so pro-abortion!

It's amazing, and a hopeful sign, that this late in the game McCain is still trying to lock down the Republican base, the women-hating/black-hating/Muslim hating center of our country!

JENNY MCCARTHY MAKES HER CHOICE

Jenny McCarthy's nipples poked right through Jim Carrey's gauzy blouse when she heard all the talk about autism in last night's debate. What the hell was that about? McCain's really trying to get at women whatever their issues. Why not women who don't have the time to cut the crust from their children's sandwiches? Women who have guilt issues because their children are more attached to their nannies?

Mothers and children! McCain is for you!

JOE THE PLUMBER

Joe the Plumber was probably fucking his receptionist in a trailer somewhere, completely unaware he was the obvious star of last night's debate. As the New York Times noted, McCain threw everything he could at Obama, including the kitchen sink and the plumber.

Joe the Plumber has a business worth more than a quarter of a million dollars a year, so I'm not sure I feel that bad. How many employees does he need? Someone to wipe, someone to flush?

Joe the Plumber will turn out all right-- but what about Rosie the Riveter? McCain made a very distinctive choice, when talking about Supreme Court Justices, to suggest he wouldn't have a litmus test, except that he would only appoint justices who agreed with McCain that Roe vs. Wade was a badly decided decision and should be overturned. Duh! Isn't that the supreme litmus test? Shout-out to the evangelicals!

SHERLOCK HOLMES SNATCHED FROM OBSCURITY

Finally! The Sun (UK) reports that it's over for Madonna and Guy Ritchie. The picture above is the two before his 39th birthday with a Purple Penetrator Strap-On in her bag.

The singer's spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg said the couple had agreed to separate. In a short statement – co-signed by Guy’s representative – she added the couple had not agreed a settlement. It read: “Madonna and Guy Ritchie have agreed to divorce after seven-and-a-half years of marriage, their representatives confirmed today. “They have both requested that the media maintain respect for their family at this difficult time.”

I guess Guy has had enough and wants his new production, 'No Shit Sherlock' to do well...ok, I don't know what it's called, but obviously he realized that Madonna's balls were in too deep. And getting Deeper and Deeper.

LOST IN THE PLOT

Oh, how the plot of a standard good short story turns me on! Love those rising obstacles!

Enough with politics. Jesus. After my useless trek to the polling station yesterday, I'm sick sick sick of it all. 'Any pig will do' is what John Waters used to write on his ballots (as per Lynn Crosbie in yesterday's Globe & Mail. Read her column every Tuesday incidentally: Pop Rocks. It's good fun and smart and everyone needs some crazy old Anne Sexton quotations littering their morning commute. Yesterday's column was about the Hockey Night in Canada song and she still found an A. Sexton quote that relates ['music remembers better']).
And he's right, John Waters, I mean. Politicians are pigs. Lipstick or not---Uggh, just mentioning pigs and lipstick bores me to death. Actually, I love pigs and I love pitbulls, so let's from now on vow to never again include them in political discourse.
Enough!

Anyway, now for something a little different. Some literary wisdom and laughs. It's from Harper's via Bookninja, by Chris Offutt, from “Excerpt from The Offutt Guide to Literary Terms,” published last fall in Seneca Review. Offutt is the author of several works of fiction and nonfiction.

nonfiction: Prose that is factual, except for newspapers.

creative nonfiction: Prose that is true, except in the case of memoir.

memoir: From the Latin memoria, meaning “memory,” a popular form in which the writer remembers entire passages of dialogue from the past, with the ultimate goal of blaming the writer’s parents for his current psychological challenges.

novel: A quaint, longer form that fell out of fashion with the advent of the memoir.

short story: An essay written to conceal the truth and protect the writer’s family.

novel-in-stories: A term invented solely to hoodwink the novel-reading public into inadvertently purchasing a collection of short fiction.

clandestine science fiction novel: A work set in the future that receives a strong reception from the literary world as long as no one mentions that it is, in fact, science fiction; for example, The Road, winner of the Pulitzer Prize.

plot: A device, the lack of which denotes seriousness on the part of writers.

chick lit: A patriarchal term of oppression for heterosexual female writing; also, a marketing means to phenomenal readership and prominent bookstore space.

personal essay: Characterized by 51 percent or more of its sentences beginning with the personal pronoun “I”; traditional narrative strategy entails doing one thing while thinking about another.

literary essay: Akin to the personal essay, only with bigger words and more profound content intended to demonstrate that the essayist is smarter than all readers, writers, teachers, and Europeans.

lyric essay: An essay with pretty language.

nature essay: An essay written by a person claiming to have a closer relationship with the natural world than anyone else does; traditional subject matter is sex, death, and how everything was better in the past.

pop culture essay: An essay written by someone who prefers to shop or watch television.

academic essay: Alas, an unread form required for tenure.

composition writing: An academic development in response to the economic needs of recently graduated MFA students.

experimental writing: The result of supreme artistic courage when a writer is willing to sacrifice structure, character, plot, insight, wisdom, social commentary, context, precedent, and punctuation.

poem: Prose scraps.

prose poem: Either a poem with no line breaks or a lyric essay with no indentation. No one knows.

deconstructionism: A moderately successful attempt by the French to avenge the loss of Paris as the global center of literature.

anxiety of influence: A term popularized by Harold Bloom to suppress poets and elevate the role of critics.

text: A term used by critics to conceal ignorance of precise definitions.

See, now wasn't that a nice change? My anxiety of influence is already dissipating.

MY FELLOW PRISONERS. . .

Below is an interview conducted after a McCain rally where audience member Gayle Quinnell (see above) called Barak Obama an Arab, not a good thing apparently. McCain countered, No, Obama is a 'decent family man'.

Interviewers include Noah Kunin, Senior Political Correspondent from The UpTake, Adam Aigner of NBC News and Dana Bash of CNN.:

Gayle Quinnell: I went to the library in Shakopee and I got lots of ... three pages of information about Obama

Adam Aigner of NBC News: And what kind of information did you get?

Quinnell: I got to tell you, you call me. It's a long story. I'm afraid of what's going to happen to this country.

Aigner: What would you think would happen? Do you think it would become Muslim country and what would that mean?

Quinnell: It would be bad

Aigner: So even though Senator McCain told you that he didn't feel that was true and you ought to be more respectful, you still fear that?

Quinnell: I still do. Yeah. I'm not alone. I go to Burnsville, the main Republican headquarters and I do a lot of work over there. A lot of sending out mail and talking to people. And all the people agree with what I'm saying to you about Obama.

Aigner :Then do you feel there are a lot of volunteers for McCain who feel that way?

Quinnell: Yes. A lot of them. In fact I got a letter from another woman that goes over there to Burnsville and she sent me more things about Obama.

Aigner: What was on the letter?

Quinnell: Oh all kinds of bad things about him and how, I mean I have to tell you to call me. It's all bad.

Reporter: Are a lot of people getting this letter and are a lot of people believeing it and is that turning a lot of votes or support for McCain?

Quinnell: Yeah I sent out 400 letters. I went to Kinkos and I got them all printed out. And I sent about 400 letters. I went in the telephone book and sent them out to people. So they can decide if they would want Obama.

Aigner: Can you give me your name again?

Quinnell: Gayle Quinnell and I honestly think that these people hear about this Obama, they wouldn't want him.

Aigner: Because they would know what you know in the letter?

Quinnell: Yeah, he read that letter. In fact when I was standing in line , there were about eight girls, young girls standing in line. And they said "what have you got." I had one of the letters and they said "Give it to me. I want to read it. I want to read it" And they read it. And they just went (shakes head) . They hadn't read it before and they didn't (unintelligible) all that information. To me it's bad news.

Aigner: So maybe if I call you you'll give me one of the letters maybe?

Quinnell: I sure can!

Aigner: You don't have another one on you now?

Quinnell: No I don't. But I can give you what I got and I can give you what she sent me in the mail.

Aigner: I'd be interested to read it.

Quinnell: OK

Aigner: And can you spell your name for me?

Quinnell: Q-U-I-N-N-E-L-L

Aigner: E-L-L? And Gayle is just...

Quinnell: G-A-Y-L-E

Aigner: And where you from?

Quinnell: I'm from Shakopee.

Aigner: Shakopee?

Quinnell: Shakopee, Minnesota

Aigner: And and I'm sorry how old are you ma'am?

Quinnell I'm 75

Aigner: 75?

Quinnell: (Nods yes) And I got a lot of grandkids and a lot of kids, I've got five kids. I got seven grandkids and they all think the same way.

(PHONE NUMBER EDITED OUT OF CONVERSATION)


Noah Kunin (The UpTake): Do you volunteer at the Republican Party Headquarters or the McCain Campaign office over in Burnsville?

Quinnell: McCain. McCain Headquarters in Burnsville.

Noah: The McCain headquarters.

Quinnell: It's out over by , over by that post station there.

Noah: Yeah, I know which one you're talking about. And just to be sure to make sure we got your quote OK, you called Obama an Arab terrorist?

Quinnell: Pardon?

Noah: You called him an Arab terrorist? Is that correct? Why do you think he is an Arab?

Quinnell Because his dad is. If you... I'll send you the paper.

Female reporter: His dad is Muslim His dad was Muslim. Barack Obama has never been a Muslim.

Quinnell: No but he's....

Dana Bash of CNN: He's a Christian.

Quinnell: He's not an Arab either, he's a --

Bash: His father was Muslim, and he's a Christian.

Quinnell: Yeah, but he's still got Muslim in him. So that's still part of him. I got all the stuff from the library and I could send you all kinds of stuff on him. In fact....

Bash: What did you think about McCain said. He said he's a decent person.

Quinnell: Well he did have didn't have (unintelligible)... I think McCain wanted to (unintelligible) I don't think he wanted to say anything against him. You know he didn't want to cut him down. That was my way of thinking. I don't think he wanted to cut him down. So he just kind of brushed me off.

Reporter: Plus he criticizes Barack Obama plenty himself, so why wouldn't he do it now?

Quinnell: Well I probably brought up something that he didn't want to talk about.

Reporter: Do you think John McCain thinks that he's Arab? Do you think he knows this stuff that you're saying you know is fact?

Quinnell: I don't know. I don't know. Maybe he doesn't want to bring it up then. I don't know why. Is there some way I can get to you more information.

Bash: Can you wait for me for like five more minutes?

Quinnell: Yeah.

Bash: I want to an interview on camera. Our camera team is occupied right now. What's your name?

Quinnell: Gayle Quinnell (Spells name again)

Bash: In case I lose you, you don't have a cell phone do you?

Quinnell: No I wish I had it on me but I don't.

Bash: See the pretty lady over there with red hair? That's our camera. As soon as she's done , we'll be over there Ok

Reporter: What was your reaction when Senator McCain backed away

Quinnell: What was my reaction? Well when he didn't want to talk about it...

Oh dear. You American bastards are in real trouble. Poor woman. Bad cell phone video below:

Thanks to Huffington Post

LAST DEBATE

Ok, put on your thinking caps, Americans, close your eyes and try to think hard about who the better candidate is. This is almost your last chance to figure it out, you crazy undecideds. Think to yourself: Who has the sexiest trajectory from microphone to mouth in the above photo. I think you know the answer. Do you want to have sex dreams about McCain for four years? Do the right thing. Vote with your loins. Not your racist hearts.

MORTAR & PESTER ME

I don't understand the point in acting psycho to get your point across about psychos. He has a point of course but Olbermann always comes off sounding like Al Pacino in 'Scent of A Woman' to me---overly overacting, as though he's mid-audition for a political pundit role in the new Law & Order. Generic parody. Again, it's this phony outrage; Olbermann was outraged at Bush, rightfully, but then was outraged at HRC too, because she mentioned Robert Kennedy's assassination. Does he understand politics at all? Being outraged at Bush is one thing, but did Hillary deserve the same histrionics? Just gnash your teeth and grind everything together into a uniform meaninglessness. There should be degrees of outrage. Hearing those 'psychos' scream racist crapola is not shocking. It's grist for the mill. Open your eyes.

THE HEELS

This is Heidi Montag from "The Heels," I mean "The Hills." I know this is instinctual information for many, but there are some of us who aren't that interested in the lives of the young, rich, and horsey-faced.

Those aren't "fuck-me" heels-- they're "spike my drink with GBH, drag me, passed out, through the club, abduct me to some skanky suburban basement, and keep me in a dungeon" heels. Yes, she's that easy.

CELEBRITY PHOTOGRAPHY 101

Brad Pitt's 'private' photos of Angelina after the birth of their twins featured in the new 'W' Magazine.

Well, I am so bummed. I was hired as a wet nurse to the most famous parents in the world-- no, wait, as a wet nurse of the children of the most famous parents in the world. I get to travel to Germany and France and Manhattan, walk down windy cobblestoned lanes, pluck flowers from the trees and put them in my hair, make big vagina-lip faces and does Brad ever take a picture of me? No, never.

I flash my boobs whenever he walks by with his Nikon and nothing. But I understand it now. Not only are my boobs stand-ins, I am a stand-in as well, I am the one who creates the subject for Brad Pitt, that photographic genius. He says, "subjects just present themselves to me all the time." Yeah, me, me! I should be the model. So what if I'm ugly? I got boobs big enough to feed all the children of Zamboobia. They need me.

TAWNY LEGGINGS

I overheard two girls the other day actually talking about leggings. "If they have no feet,"one girl said, "they're called leggings." She was wearing leggings that made her look like a tattooed lady. It was hard not to notice.

It is the hallmark of a courteous society, that when you meet a friend and can't help staring at some crazy shit she's wearing, her ridiculous new hairstyle or her badly-tinted face, and the friend sees that you're staring, you must offer a compliment. "Oh, I love that shade of fuchsia on you! It really brings out the pink in your eyes! I mean, no one pays attention to that stupid "what's your season" stuff anymore; today's Albino is breaking all the rules!"

We all know Lindsay Lohan has her own line of leggings, so when we see her at the opening of Madonna's new movie, we say, "yo, Lo!" (We know how the kids today like to 'rap.') "Yo, those new leggings are fly! Freckled orange-tinted tawny is like the new-nude, beyotch!"

Photo: Wenn

LESS TO LOVE

Jennifer Love-Hewitt wants to become a glowstick. She's fit and trim and glows from within. She works out five days a week and is really pumped about her pushups! I thought she was talking about a bra, and for the first time in my life, I was disappointed to not be reading about a bra.

In speaking of what excites her, motivates her, really drives her in her upcoming spate of no-prospects-for-work, she notes that "the plank pose is very inspiring – where you're up on your elbows and your legs are out, and it's just your stomach holding your body up. Very cool."

"The better you are in your mind, body and spirit; in lipstick, hairspray and accessories, the better everything goes for you in your life," she added.

HAIRSPRAIN

It took an unusually long time to download that file-- I guess she's even bigger than I thought. Oh, that's mean!

Nikki Blonsky is talking about her airport girl-fight, saying she and her father are "completely destroyed" by the incident. The hardest part is to see her parents "walk around in severe upset and sadness." Well, Jesus Christ, at least they can walk. The other bitches' mom was airlifted out of the place. Lucky they were in an airport.

There's a theatre service in New York where you can get free tickets to concerts and plays when, um, not enough people want to actually pay to see the show. For Nikki Blonsky's recent cabaret show, there were free tickets available every night. I should have gone. One thing that makes a songstress so effective, so heavy with emotion, is the pain they've experienced in their life.

How lucky for Ms. B. that at such a young age she has experienced, in one simple layover, enough life experience to leave her "completely destroyed," to see her family, similarly, reduced to "severe upset and sadness." Oh, to hear classics of the American songbook such as "You Can't Stop the Beat" or "Mama, I'm a Big Girl Now" imbued with such longing, such gravitas, such pathos. I'd pay to see that shit!

Photo: Brad Barket/ Getty

THIRST

Slurp slurp! Remember the last time the Jolly-Pitts had an exclusive photo spread in W magazine? Well, they've fast-forwarded from the frigid 50's into the free-lovin', bra-free, boobs-a-hangin'-loose 60's! Yeah baby! Okay. Who cares, you all just want to be latched to that mammy's mammary. Mommy, Mommy, nurture me!

The scales fall from every child's eyes as he or she comes across shocking scenes that they immediately capture with their iphones and post to their myspace pages, just as Brad has done here. What else can we expect to see inside? Mommy without her eyeliner! Mommy waxing Daddy's stomach!

Mommy searching through the catalog of Zamboobian children, looking for replacements? Mommy, can't I be the baby just a little bit longer?

COLD BLONDE CHILL

BEEHIVE IN SPACE

Scientology wooing Winehouse?

Okay, so the headline says it all-- the Scientology chapter in London gave Amy a call to help pry the pipe from that crack on her face called a mouth. Could it be possible that Tom Cooze will personally see to her rehabilitation? He'll take her aboard his own personal orbiting spaceship (so as to keep paparazzi away-- mosquitoes can't fly to space, can they?), where he has personally helped hundreds of people kick their drug additions. (Note to self; edit above, replace "person" with "alien.")

Oh, Tom-Tom is such a great guy! So selflessly and unbraggartly giving. For, as we learn from the L. Ron Hubbard Scientology Code of Honor, "Don't desire to be liked or admired." Who, Tom? No, not Tom, so shy and retiring, so unshowy when it comes to good deeds. He knows he doesn't need to impress us Earthlings by scooping up little boys getting crushed against the velvet ropes in his red-carpet high-fivin' line; by helping old men off the sidewalk and looking concerned as the shutterbugs snap away.

No, he doesn't need to be showy with his good deeds, he knows his kind acts and accomplishments and great box office receipts are being added to a list and checked off twice to be read aloud at his E-meter roast in the sky when he finally steps through those pearly gates and into the space dock and is greeted, once more and at last, by his admiring creator, L Ron, all raise thy anal probes in obeisance, Earthen pus-sacs. Hail.

AW, SHUCKS

Camille Paglia is nuts. From Salon:

And where is all that lurid sexual fantasy coming from? When I watch Sarah Palin, I don't think sex -- I think Amazon warrior! I admire her competitive spirit and her exuberant vitality, which borders on the supernormal. The question that keeps popping up for me is whether Palin, who was born in Idaho, could possibly be part Native American (as we know her husband is), which sometimes seems suggested by her strong facial contours. I have felt that same extraordinary energy and hyper-alertness billowing out from other women with Native American ancestry -- including two overpowering celebrity icons with whom I have worked.

One of the most idiotic allegations batting around out there among urban media insiders is that Palin is "dumb." Are they kidding? What level of stupidity is now par for the course in those musty circles? (The value of Ivy League degrees, like sub-prime mortgages, has certainly been plummeting. As a Yale Ph.D., I have a perfect right to my scorn.) People who can't see how smart Palin is are trapped in their own narrow parochialism -- the tedious, hackneyed forms of their upper-middle-class syntax and vocabulary.

and

Even if she disappears from the scene forever after a McCain defeat, Palin will still have made an enormous and lasting contribution to feminism. As I said in my last column, Palin has made the biggest step forward in reshaping the persona of female authority since Madonna danced her dominatrix way through the shattered puritan barricades of the feminist establishment. In 1990, in a highly controversial New York Times op-ed that attacked old-guard feminist ideology, I declared that "Madonna is the future of feminism" -- a prophecy that was ridiculed at the time but that turned out to be quite true. Madonna put pro-sex feminism on the international map.

But it is now 18 years later -- the span of an entire generation. The instabilities and diminishments for young women raised in an increasingly shallow media environment have become all too obvious. I had grown up in a vibrant pop culture with glorious women stars of voluptuous sensuality -- above all Elizabeth Taylor, sewn into that silky white slip as the vixen Manhattan call girl of "Butterfield 8."

I agree. If I hadn't seen 'Butterfield 8', I wouldn't be the wearing the slip I'm wearing today.

Camille is so transparent. She only likes the girls she wants to fuck. If you're pretty and you crave attention and you're a woman, you rule! She's like my insane friend who screams "Queen!" in a movie theatre whenever her favourite actresses appear on screen. Screen scream queen-- say that 3 times fast!

I guess Katie Couric is too demure and eyelash-batting, she's not frenetic enough to get Camille's favour. Oh, I mean, she's a viper, no explanation necessary! I guess I'll have to search through all my Camille backlogs to find where she tells us-- or maybe it's in one of her controversial and provocative best-selling books, or one of her award-winning and culturally-prescient articles?

About Palin's syntax-- well, I agree with breaking grammar rules or using the local vernacular, but there's also breaking grammar rules and using vernacular in a way you can understand. I have another friend (yes, SO many friends!) who just talks and talks to fill up air, the way Sarah does.

But she's my friend, and she's not explaining the course our friendship will take over the next four years, the way she'll be using the money she collects from me, the improvements she'll be making to my environment (including a fabulous conversation piece in my living room, the staircase to nowhere), as well as how she means to take care of me when I'm sick or when I retire. Maybe then I'd sit up and pay attention, parse her conversation style for obfuscations, raise my eyebrows when I detect she's laying on the bullshit-- just as we should do with Sarah Palin.

ENOUGH!

Jennifer Lopez recently spoke with The Daily Beast:

"I don't get nervous. I don't get depressed. Blah blah blah," she says, but pauses to reconsider. Still staring into her daughter's eyes, she reaches an instant, instinctual decision. She will start now, in this moment, not-lying in her daughter's presence. "There was a time when I was very overworked and I was doing music and movies and so many things. I was suffering from a lack of sleep. And I did have a kind of nervous breakdown. I froze up on a set. Well, not on a set, but in my trailer. I was like - I don't want to move. I don't want to talk. I don't want to do anything. It was on that movie Enough," she says, referring to the film in which she played a battered wife who finally fights back. "Yeah. I did. I had a nervous breakdown."

Me too!

You see I'd been working really hard, my book, my movie, my perfume, my album, charity work in Africa, having triplets, interviewing the presidential candidates---just really overworked. Anyway, so on the set of my new French movie, "Mon Ass, Ma Vie" ("My Ass, My Life"), I suddenly froze during one of my many sex scenes with Johnny Depp. I could feel him rising against my bare thigh, his stubble on my neck, his dark rivet-nipples prodding my breasts, when I suddenly shot up and yelled, "NO, I will not do this. I do not want to kiss him. I do not want to fuck him. Get this man off me!"

Yes. I had a nervous breakdown. I did. Yeah.

ADORABLE!

Obama Runs Constructive Criticism Ad Against McCain

STEPPING OUT WITH MY BABY. . .AND BABY AND BABY AND BABY AND BABY AND BABY

Here they are at the 'Changeling' premiere. That's two more tattoos there on her arm; she tattoos the geographic co-ordinates of where her angels are sprung from her blessed mid-section. No vaginal births for Angie. Brad's not about to throw his hot dog down any wide pink corridors. God bless'em.

RUN FOR YOUR USELESS LIVES

Did somebody just yell 'Terrorist' after McCain asks who the real Barack Obama is? I saw his face sort of fall there for a second. Or not fall but turn wry. He heard it. He knows how distasteful this has all become and what he's become, namely, an old, [sorry but his old-ness seems inescapable at this point; his face seems more and more like paper everyday] shapeless, haphazard Rove/Bush sequel or spin-off. I think so. I see flashes of unease, disappointment when he looks at Palin, just a general undercurrent of self-hatred. I feel it. I know it. If you think you hate yourself during that job interview where your sycophantic, dripping whore-ass is extolling all your fake virtues for a job you don't want and where if there were a butcher knife gleaming in the fluorescent on the conference table between you and the interviewer and her list of questions and a copy of your resume that she hasn't read and your empty folder you keep in front of you to look like there may be some forthcoming documents that would prove said virtues, and where you'd want to grab that knife and plunge it into your chest just to regain some kind of quiet dignity, just imagine how McCain feels right about now. The longest job interview in the world. Quiet dignity. He was said to have it when his father the Admiral pushed to get him out of that POW camp and McCain was said to have refused it because there were others there before him and they deserved to be released first---imagine that! Well, that's all over. It's the end of that kind of dignity. Or any dignity. I just realized that. How startling that is. Shame, humiliation, dignity; it's all over for us.

On Monday, McCain rolled out a new TV ad, "Dangerous," that accuses Obama of being "dishonorable." "Who is Barack Obama?" a narrator ominously asks. "He says our troops in Afghanistan are 'just air-raiding villages and killing civilians.' How dishonorable. Of course what Obama meant was that an over-reliance on air strikes -- due in part to a shortage of ground troops -- is causing a tragic and strategically counterproductive level of civilian casualties."


Just end this already. End the pain.

Thanks to Salon for quote.