PISTOL-PACKIN' MOMMA

From Harper's Bazaar:

And after shocking claims she took her oldest tot Maddox to a gun shop recently, the actress says she won’t wrap her kids in cotton wool.

‘Listen, my kids play video games. I let them play with toy soldiers. We don’t take war and violence lightly, but we don’t hide it from anybody. We say, ‘Mommy and Daddy have movies where we play these characters, but there’s real death and violence in the world.’

Okay, next she's going to be dangling Maddox off a balcony or above a crocodile, and driving with Fort Knox in the back without a car seat. Somebody call children's services! Now, perhaps those accusations wouldn't be enough to have her children seized, so you should say something like you saw her hitting them or forcing them to sit in a bathtub under a faucet turned to hot. Not enough can be done to save our children, and I need everyone to help in this endeavour.

CELEBRITY PHOTOGRAPHY 101

Brad Pitt's 'private' photos of Angelina after the birth of their twins featured in the new 'W' Magazine.

Well, I am so bummed. I was hired as a wet nurse to the most famous parents in the world-- no, wait, as a wet nurse of the children of the most famous parents in the world. I get to travel to Germany and France and Manhattan, walk down windy cobblestoned lanes, pluck flowers from the trees and put them in my hair, make big vagina-lip faces and does Brad ever take a picture of me? No, never.

I flash my boobs whenever he walks by with his Nikon and nothing. But I understand it now. Not only are my boobs stand-ins, I am a stand-in as well, I am the one who creates the subject for Brad Pitt, that photographic genius. He says, "subjects just present themselves to me all the time." Yeah, me, me! I should be the model. So what if I'm ugly? I got boobs big enough to feed all the children of Zamboobia. They need me.

THIRST

Slurp slurp! Remember the last time the Jolly-Pitts had an exclusive photo spread in W magazine? Well, they've fast-forwarded from the frigid 50's into the free-lovin', bra-free, boobs-a-hangin'-loose 60's! Yeah baby! Okay. Who cares, you all just want to be latched to that mammy's mammary. Mommy, Mommy, nurture me!

The scales fall from every child's eyes as he or she comes across shocking scenes that they immediately capture with their iphones and post to their myspace pages, just as Brad has done here. What else can we expect to see inside? Mommy without her eyeliner! Mommy waxing Daddy's stomach!

Mommy searching through the catalog of Zamboobian children, looking for replacements? Mommy, can't I be the baby just a little bit longer?

STEPPING OUT WITH MY BABY. . .AND BABY AND BABY AND BABY AND BABY AND BABY

Here they are at the 'Changeling' premiere. That's two more tattoos there on her arm; she tattoos the geographic co-ordinates of where her angels are sprung from her blessed mid-section. No vaginal births for Angie. Brad's not about to throw his hot dog down any wide pink corridors. God bless'em.

BALLOONS DON'T BECOME THEM

Angie, Maddox, Pax and Zahara in NYC today. In town for "Changeling" premiere.

Apparently, the free balloons could not entice the tykes in to get haircuts. Or is that just the balloon handler? Wait, I'm confusing them with Suri, who has a 24-hour barley-handler and a traveling hair salon to keep her always-perfect locks. Locks? It's a trap, kids. The haircut, as we know from Katie, is Tom's key to keeping her under lock and-- well, you know.

Free Suri! I won't know she's free until she's got a head full of dreadlocks with a giant skunk-streak down the front.

Love Zahara's velvet pants, though. And the Mary-Janes.

MIDNIGHT ASSWIPE

Jon Voight responds to Roseanne's blog---a surprisingly sharp take on everything, read it here if you haven't.

So, as per Just Jared, Jon Voight responds, missing the mark, offensive as usual:

"We can never be surprised at what vile evil comes from the mouth of a confessed victim of child abuse at the hands of her own parents. Her parents responded to the accusation by going on the air and slating she is a psychopathic liar and her sister agreed. Her defaming of our National Anthem in 1990 gave us insight into who she is and what she is capable of saying and doing. My allegiance to Senator McCain becomes stronger with any assault that tries to deter my loyalty to him. I can only pray that good people see her for what she is (sick of mind)."

So which is it? Is she a victim of child abuse, accounting for the 'vile evil' coming from her mouth, or is she a psychopathic liar? And he just blindly supports McCain, any assault making him more loyal? Is McCain his wife or a political candidate? And didn't he support Guiliani at the start of the race?

Now, Voight is very good at calling out women who are 'sick of mind'. Causing the rift that still exists between himself and his daughter. Years ago, after speaking to the press, revealing private details, Jolie legally changed her name to "Angelina Jolie". Voight had claimed that his daughter has "serious emotional problems" on Access Hollywood.

Voight/Jolie photo: PopSugar

BITE THE WEINER I MEAN WINNER

That's not wallpaper, that's cover your balls-paper.

We know she's going to vote for McCain. He adopted a baby from Bangladesh, which is right on the border of Zamboobia, where Angelina does all her baby-shopping (at least her first). McCain's got Madonna's vote as well. And A-Rod's, A-Rod's wife, Lenny Kravtiz', Roxie Roker's, Mr. Bentley's-- McCain will win the election by 6 degrees of separation!

NO, ENDORSE ME!!!

Wilshire & Washington reports that both Obama and McCain have reached out to Angelina for an endorsement. But she has not made up her sexy ass yet:

"I have not decided on a candidate. I am waiting to see the commitments they will make on issues like international justice, refugees and how to address the needs of children in crisis around the world."

Actually I never hear any of the candidates talk about any of that stuff, so I don't know what she's waiting for. I heard that she'd contributed to the Edwards sex campaign. Now, that's her kind of man! Too bad he's out. But hey, McCain, things are looking up for you, you left your kids and crippled wife for a fresh new heiress.

Angelina loves that! Ooooo, she's such an evil homewrecker!

TASTE THE SALTY BANANAS

I can't stop watching this video of Tommy Cruise ending his career by being the kookoo banana he is---listen to that endless guitar loopy new age music, his murderous laughter, it sticks in my head forever. Mind control!

Angelina Jolie just replaced Tom Cruise in the espionage thriller, Edward A. Salt.
According to Variety: Angie is “the rare female who is viable in an action genre that has been almost the exclusive domain of men.”

Not saying much for Tom. Replaced by a taller woman again. He wanted 20 million and they wouldn't pay up.

According to Just Jared, "Jolie would play the title character, a CIA officer who’s accused by a defector of being a Russian sleeper spy and must elude capture long enough to establish her innocence. Edwin A. Salt will rewritten by the movie studios and will undergo a title change, obviously."

Boooooring!

Now that Tommy has hit the comedy circuit in the Stiller movie, Tropic Thunder (where hot Robert Downey Jr. is BLACK which is causing a lot of controversy for that reason and the mentally disabled audience who will watch it), playing some fat Hollywood exec, I guess we can look forward to him trying to get into the next Apatow or Wes Anderson movie.

Watching Tom Cruise try hard is the story of his career and now he's trying to be funny? I can't watch this. Please. Stop him. Someone stop him. If only he'd been diagnosed as a child with a pituitary gland tumour, grown into a giant, had it removed, crushed his bully father, come out, never gone to Hollywood, took his sphincter-tight grin into gay porno.

He should have at least stopped after Magnolia.

Thanks to JustJared.com

DOES FRANCE REALLY NEED MORE MONEY?

After Angelina Jolie gave birth to daughter Shiloh in Zamboobia, she donated the proceeds of the first picture rights to the people of Zamboobia, giving each citizen an unprecedented 28 million Zamboobian guineas, or $3.19 in US dollars. Now that Jolie has given birth to twins, in Nice, France, People and Hello! magazines have been awarded the first look at the world's first celebrity siamese twins since Chang & Eng--baby Viviknox, for 14 million dollars. As has been widely reported, the two adorable tots are joined at the hip to mom Jolie.

To whom should the Jolie-Pitts donate the proceeds? The Zamboobians are still partying after their windfall, and France is flush with funds-- do you know how much brie I eat?-- so what country is a worthy recipient of the cash?

WAXING GOOD ADVICES

Jon Voight has some wise old-man words for Angie and Brad. Now that he's been disowned by Angie, poor Jon is doing whatever possible to connect through the power of the press. Sad.

From: Usmagazine:

"Twins are a big deal. How many people have seen twins?" he told Us at the the FOX Television Critics Association party on Monday. "Even [if they're] the world's most remarkable, sleep-oriented, calm children... two kids at the same time is a big deal."

How old is he that he thinks no one has even seen twins? Didn't they have twins in the 70s? Oh, yeah before IVF treatment twins were freaks.

That's Jon and Marcheline, Angie's mom, above in 1976 before he took off and abandoned her. Angelina may hate her father. See the pattern? That could be a pic of her and Brad.

Here's a pic of Brangie, also taken evidently in 1976:

Actually Brad's more 70s than the 70s were. Does anyone else notice how waxy he looks lately? All sex symbols turn to wax as they age.

Oh, I know what you're thinking. . .I'm so boring but I'm a brangeloonie too as Michael K over at dlisted.com says. He's right, we're all insane. If there was a 24hr Brangie news channel (BNC--get Ted Turner on this STAT! he can colourize them all sorts of fantastic colours!) I'd watch it nonstop. And report back to you!! You spoiled little peepholers!

ANGIE DARK

Mocha eyes, mocha nips. We know Angie's in Europe 'cause the coffee's showing through her peep holes. Ain't no fra-crapuccino, turbinado sugar, extra-light soy milk in either pair of baby browns-- but maybe just a touch of foam.

ANGIE BLACK

Girls do evil shit to themselves all the time, and Angie's out there to say it's all right. I guess it helps she's beautiful!

Entertainment Weekly: Some people can't reconcile your old persona, where you talked about knives and cutting, with your more recent identity as a mother and activist.

Angie: But again, it's not that different. The reason I talked about going through certain pains or even cutting myself is that I was already out the other side. I knew there were people that do that — and somehow are happy that somebody admitted they did and discussed how they got out of it. I don't see the point of doing an interview unless you're going to share the things you learn in life and the mistakes you make. So to admit that I'm extremely human and have done some dark things, I don't think makes me unusual or unusually dark. I think it actually is the right thing to do and I'd like to think it's the nice thing to do.

[Image by VINCENT PETERS.]