THIRST

Slurp slurp! Remember the last time the Jolly-Pitts had an exclusive photo spread in W magazine? Well, they've fast-forwarded from the frigid 50's into the free-lovin', bra-free, boobs-a-hangin'-loose 60's! Yeah baby! Okay. Who cares, you all just want to be latched to that mammy's mammary. Mommy, Mommy, nurture me!

The scales fall from every child's eyes as he or she comes across shocking scenes that they immediately capture with their iphones and post to their myspace pages, just as Brad has done here. What else can we expect to see inside? Mommy without her eyeliner! Mommy waxing Daddy's stomach!

Mommy searching through the catalog of Zamboobian children, looking for replacements? Mommy, can't I be the baby just a little bit longer?

WAXING GOOD ADVICES

Jon Voight has some wise old-man words for Angie and Brad. Now that he's been disowned by Angie, poor Jon is doing whatever possible to connect through the power of the press. Sad.

From: Usmagazine:

"Twins are a big deal. How many people have seen twins?" he told Us at the the FOX Television Critics Association party on Monday. "Even [if they're] the world's most remarkable, sleep-oriented, calm children... two kids at the same time is a big deal."

How old is he that he thinks no one has even seen twins? Didn't they have twins in the 70s? Oh, yeah before IVF treatment twins were freaks.

That's Jon and Marcheline, Angie's mom, above in 1976 before he took off and abandoned her. Angelina may hate her father. See the pattern? That could be a pic of her and Brad.

Here's a pic of Brangie, also taken evidently in 1976:

Actually Brad's more 70s than the 70s were. Does anyone else notice how waxy he looks lately? All sex symbols turn to wax as they age.

Oh, I know what you're thinking. . .I'm so boring but I'm a brangeloonie too as Michael K over at dlisted.com says. He's right, we're all insane. If there was a 24hr Brangie news channel (BNC--get Ted Turner on this STAT! he can colourize them all sorts of fantastic colours!) I'd watch it nonstop. And report back to you!! You spoiled little peepholers!

HOLY SQUARED

Last night I turned to CNN by accident, (I don't watch CNN now that Hillary's out of the race and there's nothing to talk about anymore) and what should I see??? A freakin' panel discussion with all their consistently inexpert experts talking about the new New Yorker cover!! Whaaa?? I'm glad The New Yorker is momentarily relevant again and people are talking about it, but really!

Clearly they have lost their minds. There is so much real news and they're talking about satire, arguing about what satire is like a bunch of first years! Do pundits really understand what satire is? Unless Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward can be reached by satellite I don't see the point.

What about the placenta? Who cut the umbilical cord? Was Brad there for the entire birth? Yes, he was. Angie was on an epidural so was awake during her C-section and Brad talked her through the whole holy blessed event. Did you know Angie's Ob-Gyn called Bradley his 'little helper'? Was Maddox filming it? That savvy little devil. Did Zahara scowl jealously into Angie's vagina? Don't worry, Zee, Mommy and Daddy are already wait-listed for a new African baby to even up the colour scheme.

Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt were born Saturday July 12 at around 7pm. Knox came in at 5.03lbs and Vivvie at 5lbs. If you sense a sarcastic tone to this I'm sorry---I cried a little happy tear when I heard, I have so much invested in it, more than if I had a child myself. Who cares about my ugly kids, all misshapen and plain and unimportant. The angels have landed, the messiah has come---somebody tell the Jews to stop reading!

CNN, get a clue for shitsakes.

photo courtesy: celebrityfix.com