MY BF MARK, MY GF SAMANTHA, AND MY BRAND NEW BFF CHARLOTTE

Harper's Bazaar this month has an editorial story on the new Glass family, the Ronsons. They're dressed up as the Royal Tenenbaums. That's Charlotte Ronson at the right in Luke Wilson's role. She's a clothing designer. The family is a bunch of rich, good-looking, artistic fuckers that melts my loser-heart, just like the Glass' did.

Read the article. And if you don't know who the Glass' are, read that too. Actually it's too late. Forget it.

Another pic:

And here's another where Mark is really glaring his dickishness at me and Sam is plucking my vagina-strings playing a cozy little lezzy kunstlied [look it up]:


Thanks to harpersbazaar.com

TASTE THE SALTY BANANAS

I can't stop watching this video of Tommy Cruise ending his career by being the kookoo banana he is---listen to that endless guitar loopy new age music, his murderous laughter, it sticks in my head forever. Mind control!

Angelina Jolie just replaced Tom Cruise in the espionage thriller, Edward A. Salt.
According to Variety: Angie is “the rare female who is viable in an action genre that has been almost the exclusive domain of men.”

Not saying much for Tom. Replaced by a taller woman again. He wanted 20 million and they wouldn't pay up.

According to Just Jared, "Jolie would play the title character, a CIA officer who’s accused by a defector of being a Russian sleeper spy and must elude capture long enough to establish her innocence. Edwin A. Salt will rewritten by the movie studios and will undergo a title change, obviously."

Boooooring!

Now that Tommy has hit the comedy circuit in the Stiller movie, Tropic Thunder (where hot Robert Downey Jr. is BLACK which is causing a lot of controversy for that reason and the mentally disabled audience who will watch it), playing some fat Hollywood exec, I guess we can look forward to him trying to get into the next Apatow or Wes Anderson movie.

Watching Tom Cruise try hard is the story of his career and now he's trying to be funny? I can't watch this. Please. Stop him. Someone stop him. If only he'd been diagnosed as a child with a pituitary gland tumour, grown into a giant, had it removed, crushed his bully father, come out, never gone to Hollywood, took his sphincter-tight grin into gay porno.

He should have at least stopped after Magnolia.

Thanks to JustJared.com

WITHOUT TCHYOO

Look below but don't use your eyes, they'll burn. That's Tori Spelling and her loser Canadian husband in some promo or video for some stupid reality show. Give me OXYGEN! Oh, God, he's Kurt! We have to watch this??? It's so depressing. Did Rielle Hunter shoot this video too? And how much hush money did she score this time?

I think that whatever I say is not enough to really capture the ugliness. I don't get it. So, that song is so representative of comedy/TV/rock couples of the past? He says, Tchyoo and she says, Yoo.

I HATE when men sing in that soft way. Makes me wanna puke all over them, those homophobic types with the too long nails [can't touch me downthere with those, I'm very deliCATE], the ones that spend too much time with their girlfriends/wives and lose their balls and start gossiping and watching soap operas because they have no male friends anymore to hang out with. I'd rather be with a dick who's screwing Rielle behind my fat ass, fat in remission, but fat nonetheless.

Okay, I lie. Not in remission. Full blown, sad to say.

What am I talking about again? Oh! Tori and Dean! True love!

THE DRUCK REPORT

Still can't get my youtube links to work, so you'll have to click here to view one of Rielle Hunter's videos she produced for the Edwards campaign. The former Lisa Druck was paid $100,000+, got a free trip to Africa, and got to sleep with the boss and the aide. Oh, and one free baby!

The videos-- amateurish, boring, self-indulgent-- the criticims have already been levied. Still, there are some funny bits (at Edwards' expense-- hey, he's paying all the bills!). Edwards criticizes the board of Walmart for being "multi-millionaires," then quickly corrects himself-- "not that there's anything wrong with that."

The second cutest guy in the room, Josh, of indeterminate employment, wonders how to fill out "job description" on his visa to China. Since he's always sitting next to Edwards, he suggests "travel companion," then "bitch," both of which are rejected by John. He's already got his travel companion/bitch, and she's holding the camera!

Edwards then relays an anecdote about his 6-year old, who says getting tennis shoes from WalMart is bad. Daddy says the kid doesn't like WalMart because of the way they treat their workers, but you just know the kid is old enough to realize only poor people buy shoes at WalMart. Their shoe department is called "bobos."

Oh, figured it out! Here's the video:

WEEPISODES

“I think this President has shown a remarkable disrespect for his office, for the moral dimensions of leadership, for his friends, for his wife, for his precious daughter. It is breathtaking to me the level to which that disrespect has risen.”

--John Edwards on Clinton.

Ho hum. Moral indignation never sounds good, and always come backs to bite off your balls. Of course, Edwards isn't to blame, but the culture that equates "success" with "rock star" --

"I grew up as a small-town boy in North Carolina, came from nothing, worked very hard, dreamed that I could do something helpful for other people with my life, became a lawyer, through a lot of work and success I got some acclaim as a lawyer. People were telling me you're such a great person, such a great lawyer. There's no telling what you'll do.

"Then I went from being a young senator to being considered for vice president, running for president ... becoming a national public figure, all of which fed a self-focus, an egotism, a narcissism that leads you to believe you can do whatever you want, you're invincible and there will be no consequences. And nothing could be further from the truth."

"There will be no consequences" -- ie, you'll get away with it. But let's not moralize, okay? Let's just marvel at the ability of the human mind-- how an otherwise sane person running for president could have an affair while his wife is battling cancer, and still think he could get away with it? Again, not moralizing, but I probably won't be channeling a John Edwards vibe when I'm making important life-altering/life-wrecking decisions in my own life.

IN OTHER NEWS

Okay, while you're getting your outrage in a know over VP Ken Doll's alleged love child, or hoping to peep some Danskin camel toe or a wayward ball squeezed from a tight speedo, it's been reported that Russia has declared war on Georgia, with military planes dropping bombs on the capital. Now, before you're worried about your peach cobbler for the Labour Day picnic, this Georgia is in Eastern Europe, where Smelting Day is celebrated at barbecues over the Leaky Reactors national disaster site. And don't forget to try grandma Booshka's famous cabbage cobbler for dessert! Be sure to check for hairs before you take the first bite.

Jesus Christ, people are dying in wars every day. Remember that, the next time you're complaining about the service at the drive-thru for White Castle (otherwise known as "Wipe Asshole") or bitching about your husband's pee on the toilet seat. Some people have real problems, and some people have problems they make up because there's nothing else to bitch about. We maintain our indulgent lifestyle under the rubric "if we give up our freedoms, change the way we live, the terrorists win." The downside-- the terrorists would only have to take away our air conditioning, or screw with our internet connection, and we'd surrender immediately!


Photo: Dimitar Dilkoff/Agence France-Presse — Getty Images

PRETTYRNITY SUIT

Or, the Edwards Affhair.

Now that John Edwards has finally admitted his liaison with Rielle Hunter (while his wife was battling cancer-- although it was in remission-- "how thoughtful of you to wait, honey!"), the issue turns to the father of Hunter's son, born in February. Edwards claims that a former campaign aide, Andrew Young, was the father of the baby. What, the slut just jumps on the campaign bus and starts humping her way to the back? It was reported in the Enquirer that, in an attempt to hush the two up, both Hunter and Young have been put up in multi-million dollar homes. Something smells fishy!

Edwards says he'll do whatever it takes to prove he's not the father. DNA test? Sure. But the true test for Edwards offspring would normally be the comb-and-mirror test. Put little baby Doe (still don't know the name) in front of a mirror with a comb and hairspray, and see him go to town. This test, unfortunately, has been complicated by the inferior hairstyling gene of the mother. Check out that hair-don't! It's called the "Tousled Salad."

Back to the DNA test then-- both should test positive for a full "aquanet" strand.

Here's the Youtube video-- can't seem to get it to post

EXTREME(LY) SEXY

On her recent, and much commented-on, email acquaintance with Obama:

"It seemed to me to be like a product of extreme sexism, and I kept thinking to myself, 'God, if this was just, like, Kal Penn or George Clooney or any of the other (Obama) surrogates or supporters … there wouldn't be (any) question about it. Nobody would even talk about it…I was merely trying to express my delight at Obama's commitment to his campaign in every aspect and his interest and his support (in) his surrogates and his staff and his fellows, and how wonderful and refreshing that is. And it was manipulated into such an unfortunate media frenzy of kind of a nonstory."

Our correspondent notes: "Extreme sexism? Thank god Hillary never experienced any of that."

TERROR TACTICS

The Joker throws a lot of bombs. As he explains, gasoline is cheap. But is he a terrorist? Sure, he terrifies people, but he couldn't be confused with an Islamic terrorist/freedom fighter/jihadist or whatever the hell those guys call themselves these days. The Joker notably, and with repeated emphasis, calls himself an agent of chaos, a terrorist without a cause. He simply likes to see the world burn.

Is he a stand-in for the real-life terrorists who blew up the twin towers? Possibly-- to most people in Western countries targeted by Al Qaeda and Bin Laden, we only know they like to blow things up-- buildings, trains, bus stations. They talk a lot about bringing down the established order, but all we ever seem to know about is the chaos they create. And really, haven't these people been fighting these battles for centuries? If they can't get it together by now, maybe chaos is really what they're about. They haven't figured out what's supposed to rise from the ashes.

So then, who does Batman represent? The more secretive arm of the CIA, the people who used to do things covertly, like spy on people, and not overtly, like the current government? Batman's little cell phone trick (while making the climax almost incomprehensible) is considered so intrusive into the lives of private citizens that Morgan Freeman quits Wayne Enterprises in protest, leaves his wife, and gets into a car accident in Mississippi!

At the end of the movie, Batman becomes a pariah so people will still believe government officials are as good as their word, incorruptible. Batman is already outside the law, so he readily takes on the role of the vigilante, willing to stand for actions (like murder) he would never commit. It's a cynical idea, that people would rather have a bogeyman than admit our leaders are flawed-- almost as though we were better off when we thought Saddam was the ultimate bad guy, and not our own government.

KICK IN THE PANTS

re: Hirsch Prompts Gay Rumour

"Me and Kick were in the trailer together, just hanging out like a couple of bud, you know, drinking brews. It was a big laugh-- Kick rolled over and did a blue angel like it was done in the day, you know, bare-assed, just as I was taking a leak in the sink-- I laughed so hard I stepped back and slipped on the Playboys he left on the floor, and I slid across to where Kick was, my pole sort of entered his butt and blew out the flame (whew!) and we both gasped falling on each other, our open mouths came together and I guess, from the gasp, our tongues sort of met, and that's when the gay assistant walked in and saw us, and I guess, sort of drew a conclusion that's false. So I just wanted to get out the word of what really happened, and how what the gay assistant saw could I guess be misconstrued."

DOES FRANCE REALLY NEED MORE MONEY?

After Angelina Jolie gave birth to daughter Shiloh in Zamboobia, she donated the proceeds of the first picture rights to the people of Zamboobia, giving each citizen an unprecedented 28 million Zamboobian guineas, or $3.19 in US dollars. Now that Jolie has given birth to twins, in Nice, France, People and Hello! magazines have been awarded the first look at the world's first celebrity siamese twins since Chang & Eng--baby Viviknox, for 14 million dollars. As has been widely reported, the two adorable tots are joined at the hip to mom Jolie.

To whom should the Jolie-Pitts donate the proceeds? The Zamboobians are still partying after their windfall, and France is flush with funds-- do you know how much brie I eat?-- so what country is a worthy recipient of the cash?

BAD MONEY

If you saw "Dark Knight" you know this is not a pile of money, and if you're not living with Bin Laden in a cave somewhere you know the Batman movie makes this much money per second. Did Katie Holmes pull out of the comic book sequel to make this movie? It was called "Mad Money" in case you blinked, or you're not a middle-aged single gal who was so desperate for the "Sex in the City" movie you saw any movie that had more than one chick in the credits.

Okay, we know the reason-- Katie's only allowed to love one man who secretly wears a leather codpiece, and she can't make more money or be more successful than l'il hubbie. But Jesus Christ.

Now, I'm not one of those people who slags Katie because she's been chained to the stove by her midget-impresario-with-a-moptop, but whatever the reason, I'm glad she pulled out. Maggie Gyllenhaal-- now there's a bitch can go toe-to-toe with Batbutch. Whether she's striding in and out of the courtroom, the interrogation room, staring down the Joker or watching the clock tick down strapped to 100s of barrels of flammable oil, bitch got presence. She's no little girl. In "Batman Begins," Katie looked like she stumbled into the courtroom during "bring your daughter to work" day.

Oh yeah, Heath is good too. But you knew that already.

Photo Courtesy Big City Pictures