WHICH hunk in a summer movie is a violent, closeted homosexual? The heartthrob snuck into his ex's apartment a few months ago and raped him so violently, the ex ended up in the hospital - and the actor paid him $500,000 to keep his mouth shut (Page Six)
I'm thinking it's Robert Downey Jr. He already said he wanted to fuck Batman, or something. Besides, he's been in prison. "ex" means "ex-cellmate." Together, they rigged up an iron condom, and Bob was just paying for his share of the patent license and testing it out. They just gotta do something about those sharp edges. Above, he's showing off his new "fisting condom." With handy searchlight, for that unmistakable inner glow. What's his secret? Only the boys of cellblock 8 know for sure!
I can't stop watching this video of Tommy Cruise ending his career by being the kookoo banana he is---listen to that endless guitar loopy new age music, his murderous laughter, it sticks in my head forever. Mind control!
Angelina Jolie just replaced Tom Cruise in the espionage thriller, Edward A. Salt. According to Variety: Angie is “the rare female who is viable in an action genre that has been almost the exclusive domain of men.”
Not saying much for Tom. Replaced by a taller woman again. He wanted 20 million and they wouldn't pay up.
According to Just Jared, "Jolie would play the title character, a CIA officer who’s accused by a defector of being a Russian sleeper spy and must elude capture long enough to establish her innocence. Edwin A. Salt will rewritten by the movie studios and will undergo a title change, obviously."
Boooooring!
Now that Tommy has hit the comedy circuit in the Stiller movie, Tropic Thunder (where hot Robert Downey Jr. is BLACK which is causing a lot of controversy for that reason and the mentally disabled audience who will watch it), playing some fat Hollywood exec, I guess we can look forward to him trying to get into the next Apatow or Wes Anderson movie.
Watching Tom Cruise try hard is the story of his career and now he's trying to be funny? I can't watch this. Please. Stop him. Someone stop him. If only he'd been diagnosed as a child with a pituitary gland tumour, grown into a giant, had it removed, crushed his bully father, come out, never gone to Hollywood, took his sphincter-tight grin into gay porno.
If our heroes represent our greatest aspirations, then villains represent our greatest fears. What does it say about us that two of the biggest superhero blockbusters from this summer, Iron Man and the Incredible Hulk, have arch-nemeses who are essentially bigger, better versions of the hero?
Is it latent fears of Asia taking over as the world's superpower? I mean, Japan does take all our technology and makes it better (although usually smaller). Are we perhaps scared that, although we use technology for good, those who would thwart us might use it for evil? Are we talking about the bomb here?
Is it the "size matters" thing? Are we feeling morally small right now? Or is it just about our dicks? No matter how big, there's always someone bigger; there's always a tighter vagina.
Who could make Iron Man limp except bigger Iron Man? Who could deflate the Hulk except Bigger Hulk? Okay, his name is officially "The Abomination," (?), a lame appellation to strike fear into summer popcorn-and-Pepsi-guzzlers, but I guess it's better than the villain in the last Hulk movie, the malevolent "Absorbing Man!"
Whatever happened to ideological enemies? Chaos versus control? Public good versus personal good? From now on, is it going to be the middleweight versus the heavyweight?
What is he peepin' at? Photo courtesy Universal Pictures.
