WE LOVE TO FEEL COCKY ALL DAY LONG

They say black don't crack, but Jesus, Jada looks like she's going to break right up. That's one ropey bitch. Looks like beef jerky.

So, Fox News gave "Hancock" a crappy review, and the blogs seem to be falling over each other to foretell Willy's first July 4th trip-up. But has anyone read the review? You can judge the reviewer's taste for yourself, in that he loved "Independence Day" and "Men in Black." The main criticism-- it's not "family" enough. Imagine, a child says the word "asshole"! Willy doesn't play his normal, smarmy, cocky, robotic, perfect-candidate-for-Scientology-based self, but a drunk who may-or-may-not get involved in adultery! Why, it's perfectly un-American!

Not that anyone cares, but David Denby gives "Handcock" a fantastic review in this week's New Yorker. Most interesting for this Willy Smith-hater-- yes, even before he was associated with the dreaded E-meter-- is the description of Smith's performance:

For the first time in his life, Will Smith doesn't flirt with the audience. He doesn't smile and tease and drawl; he stays in character as a self-hating lonely guy.

Ooh, a Willy-pic where he doesn't show us that shit-eating smile? I'm SO there. I hope it's a big bomb, and everyone slags it like they do Amy Winehouse doing anything. We're very Devil's Advocate (a Charlize reference) at Peep_Hole-- we still want to buy that Scarlett Johansson album, hoping we'll love it!

Photo: AP

GIMME MORE!

MTV Video Music Awards would consider second chance for Spears.

All the stars are aligned for another Britney Spears comeback! Oh Brit, we have been apart too long. As you walk zombie-like through LAX and into waiting cars, be-Ugged and braless, chaperoned by your father keeping you in check, we long for the days you lolled around on stage not even lip synching or pretending to dance, bored with us as we were with you.

The MTV President told the Associated Press, "Everyone deserves a second or third chance, right?"

Why wouldn't they give Brit another shot? The 2007 awards were the most watched in years. If Britney headlined again, even more people would tune in to watch the disaster as it happens.

Plus, by floating the idea now, it gives Britney 2 months to be so nervous she'll gorge on Cheetos, ignore her kids, party so much she can't rehearse, all the while confident she'll get a third chance if she blows this one. Ooh, those MTV execs-- they're playing her like a marionette. She actually just flashed her coochie today in clear anticipation.

MTV should officially declare ridicule as their new focus. They've been doing it for years, anyway. You know, Madonna's too old, Britney's too fat, with Rihanna and Kanye as filler.

Photo courtesy AP

HULK AND HULKIER

If our heroes represent our greatest aspirations, then villains represent our greatest fears. What does it say about us that two of the biggest superhero blockbusters from this summer, Iron Man and the Incredible Hulk, have arch-nemeses who are essentially bigger, better versions of the hero?

Is it latent fears of Asia taking over as the world's superpower? I mean, Japan does take all our technology and makes it better (although usually smaller). Are we perhaps scared that, although we use technology for good, those who would thwart us might use it for evil? Are we talking about the bomb here?

Is it the "size matters" thing? Are we feeling morally small right now? Or is it just about our dicks? No matter how big, there's always someone bigger; there's always a tighter vagina.

Who could make Iron Man limp except bigger Iron Man? Who could deflate the Hulk except Bigger Hulk? Okay, his name is officially "The Abomination," (?), a lame appellation to strike fear into summer popcorn-and-Pepsi-guzzlers, but I guess it's better than the villain in the last Hulk movie, the malevolent "Absorbing Man!"

Whatever happened to ideological enemies? Chaos versus control? Public good versus personal good? From now on, is it going to be the middleweight versus the heavyweight?

What is he peepin' at? Photo courtesy Universal Pictures.

MORE AMERICAN THAN-- ORGIES?

Maybe Pensacolans were searching George Carlin? You know, the 7 words you can't say on tv?

The New York Times has an article about the "Google Defense" -- how the lawyers for an online porn purveyor in Pensacola, Florida are suggesting community standards may be different in the courtroom than in the privacy of the juror's home. According to Google's publicly accessible search data, more residents in Pensacola search for the word "orgy" and "group sex" than "apple pie" or "watermelon." I guess we'll have to re-think what to bring to that July 4th barbecue.

Photo: E. Pablo Kosmicki, AP

GIMME BAMA

Well, it happened. Last night I dreamt that Obama loved me. After months of feeling slighted, maligned, angry, dejected and embarrassed for Hillary, while rejecting the good looks of Obama, trying to resist the onslaught of charm and white shirts I knew was sweeping not only the U.S., but the world-- my psyche has finally given in. Take me Obama... Gimme Shelter, my Othello, in your long, slender, yet somehow working-class arms.

"Bob Dylan. Yo-Yo Ma. Sheryl Crow. Jay-Z. These aren't musical acts in a summer concert series: They're artists featured on Barack Obama's iPod. "I have pretty eclectic tastes," the Democratic presidential contender said in an interview to be published in Friday's issue of Rolling Stone.

That's from Huffingtonpost.com. How is that eclectic? If anything, it's very white, isn't it? I guess Jay-Z counts as black, but I'm not really sure. Obama goes on to say Gimme Shelter is his favourite Rolling Stones song [that's my fave too!!!], and says about Bruce Springsteen:

"Not only do I love Bruce's music, but I just love him as a person... He is a guy who has never lost track of his roots, who knows who he is, who has never put on a front."

Wow, he keeps hammering that point home, doesn't he? The authentic politician, never putting up a front. I think thou doth protest too much, my sexy Moor. But I forgive you-- just please no Sheryl Crow on the turntable while we're making love.

(AP Photo/Rolling Stone)

TELL ME, WHO ARE YOU THIS TIME?

Here's Scarlett as viewed through our Peephole. Watch your back, Scarlett. We see you. We don't tolerate any tweenie idol worship here. Barack is no Jonas Bros--I'm sure his balls have dropped by now. If, instead, we had been outside your door, we might have overheard your squeals of delight upon receiving those loving emails from Barack. Unfortunately, it was all in your head, the same place where the sound of your voice singing Tom Waits is acceptable.

She recently told Politico, "You'd imagine that someone like the senator who is constantly traveling and constantly 'on' - how can he return these personal emails? But he does, and in his off-time I know he also calls people who have donated the minimum to thank them." Well, Barack 'threw her under the bus' (as politicos love to say these days):

Speaking to reporters aboard his campaign plane, Obama said the actress doesn't have his personal email address. "She sent one email to Reggie, who forwarded it to me," Obama said, referring to his 26-year-old personal assistant, Reggie Love. "I write saying, 'thank you Scarlett for doing what you do,' and suddenly we have this email relationship."

Ouch. I think Michelle has something to do with this. Scarlett looms large above the Soon-Yi/Woody marital bed-- you know Michelle doesn't want any competition in that arena. And what is that thing Scarlett does anyway? Is it this? --


Come on, don't be mad, turn around...I'm sorry I said that. We DO have an email relationship. We DO!

[photos courtesy ATCO Records and the film Lost in Translation]

ALL GUSSIED UP

Here's this year's winner of the World's Ugliest Dog, Gus, who's missing one eye and one leg. Well, I don't see how he's ugly-- he just looks like a shaved britbrit that's winking at me. I think he's cute. You think he's ugly? I'll show you ugly. Follow me, I'll show you my britbrit.

His owner, Jeanenne Teed, brought Gus all the way from St. Petersburg, Fla., to compete for the dubious distinction. After the excitement of the moment, Teed characterized her dog's reaction: "Well, I think right now he's ready for a nap."

Organisers said winners were often animals that had been abandoned or neglected before being adopted by people who love dogs. His owners plan to use their prize money to pay for Gus to have cancer treatment.

Sam, last year's winner, is gone now. Sorry Gus, but Sam will always be the winner in my eyes. I hate to choose one ugly over another, but it's a distinction that only I have the right to decide.

DIDN'T TAKE LONG

--for other columnists to jump onto the "Barack's showing courage" by forgoing public financing (and going against his own promise) -- Maureen Dowd notes in Wednesday's column that--

Rove and Co. are nervous because they see that Obama, in rejecting public financing, is not going to be a chump, like some past Democratic candidates.

Wow. Once again, Obama gets a free pass. Any other politician would be excoriated for abandoning campaign reform, his signature issue; but here Obama's showing he's not a "chump" by abandoning his principles. He'll do anything to get elected, it seems; but the pundits want him elected so badly they don't seem to care.

Photo courtesy New York Times

AMERICAN CRAPPAREL

How soon until American Apparel goes the way of the Gap and Benneton, with massive store closings and a scaling back of worldwide proportions? Just how many flimsy cotton shirts can people buy, anyway? Soon there'll be more light peach wrinkly polos with buckled seams than people in the world. When we start getting pictures in National Geographic of Zulus wearing shiny metallic tights, we know we've reached the saturation point.

Plus, why are all the ladies in their ads like this chick up there, a hot, sexy-assed bitch, whereas the guys are from the bug-people race? You know, skinny, sallow, slack-faced and hollow-chested. If they want to get homos in all those stores, they'll need to have a Guess revolution-- you know, no more Harry Dean Stanton, more nameless sexy fuckboys.

Photo courtesy American Apparel

BALL BREAKER

What a surprise. New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd has been reviewed by Media Matters for America who found that throughout the 2007-2008 campaign season, Dowd did what she did best, "played with gender roles," consistently referring to Hillary Clinton in masculine terms, while feminizing Clinton's opponents, Senator Edwards, and especially Senator Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee. In contrast, Dowd left the Republican field untouched, although she did refer to presumptive Republican nominee John McCain as "a tough guy."

But if Clinton had won the nomination, perhaps McCain, too, would have been reduced to a girly-man. Dowd only called Edwards and Obama "sister" and "girl" in contrast to Hillary, because, unlike Dowd herself, Hillary doesn't purse her lips and shake her hair in front of her eyes like a sexy pussycat; therefore, Hillary must be a man, so much so that any man is reduced to a girl in comparison.

Dowd suggests she's "twisting gender stereotypes," but really, it's the same old stereotype to call a ambitious woman a "man," and an anti-war Democrat a "girl." Dowd seems to have lost steam since Clinton dropped out of the race; maybe she'll have to start playing with racial stereotypes to maintain her "transgressive" edge.

Photo courtesy Gawker

DAVID CROOKS

The most emailed article from the New York Times yesterday was The Two Obamas, detailing the idealism Obama extols against the pragmatism he enacts. Specifically, campaign finance reform, which he effectively crapped on when he reneged on his promise to agree to public financing for the federal election if John McCain agreed to the same. If my brief reading of the government's brochure on Public Financing is correct, this would limit spending in the general election to $10 million ($200,000 per state). As we already know, Obama has superseded even the formidable Clintons when it comes to raising funds, and will surely raise capital many times over the 10 minllion mark.

The Brooks article is somewhat bizarre. Brooks notes of the numerous flipsflops Obama has already made, calling him a "Fast Eddie" who throws his promises under the truck when it's expedient, remarking on the ease with which Obama has sold out "the primary cause of his political life" --and then goes on to maintain this type of political savvy will be necessary to negotiate with other corrupt leaders like Putin.

The question-- if Hillary was excoriated because of her "dirty tricks" and political expediences, why is Obama given a free ride by Brooks? Will other editorialists do the same, admiring the new, harder tone that belies the perception of Obama as "Carter-lite?" Are the expediencies palatable if they're balanced by words of hope?

Photo courtesy New York Times

EXCLUSIVE PORTISHEAD BONUS TRACK

Anyone catch the new Portishead bonus track? It's called "Left," and here's a sample of the lyrics:

I'm so depressed--
Clinically diagnosed, unhappiness
I can't live with myself--
--or you.
There's nothing left to do.

The track is available free when you purchase the album through lexapro.com

I like the new album, but I'm wondering if it will share the fate of the first two-- new, fun, different sounding, and slightly grating, a slightness that will become, in time, overwhelming. There something about the sound, especially of the first album, that sounds so smooth and overproduced and dated, as though they were aping an Esquivel album. I mostly play "shuffle" on my ipod (note: this is the exclusive practice of the author alone, and not the official standpoint of Peephole), and whenever one of those early Portishead songs was played, it just sounded-- wrong. Like, oh, that was then, this is now! We're so over that!

Hopefully, this new Album, simply called "3," will provide enough good listening before it's relegated to "skip." And don't forget to look for that bonus track!

Photo by Chris Buck

"WE'RE HERE, WE'RE QUEER, WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU!"

Thank god Hollywood-- or at least Hollywood UK-- has been released from the stranglehold those gay activists initiated after "Silence of the Lambs" and "Basic Instinct," because now we're back to fun killer Lesbian movies like "Notes on a Scandal." I watched this on my BetaMax last night, and suggest the lezzie girls might want to watch it on their VaginaMax, just to get the added girl-on-girl sex scenes missing from my copy.

What did the protests accomplish? Remember "we're here, we're queer, and so are some of you"? It only took Jodie Foster 16 years to actually come out-- sort of-- just in time to dump her butchy galpal. John Travolta and Tom Cruise subsumed themselves even further into Scientology, where they can privately jerk each other off with their E-meters. Jonathan Demme made his drippy apologia movie, "Philadelphia," and his career swiftly tanked. Only Paul Verhoeven had the courage to press on and make "Showgirls," staying true to his art even if it made Hollywood spurn him. Except for the insipid "Hollow Man," every Verhoeven movie since has been fantastic. I love me some "Black Book"! Hollywood's loss.

The greatest effect was the removal of the "gay monster" from mainstream movies, and Hollywood thrillers have suffered ever since. Think about it-- only someone as old as (Damn!) Judy Dench would still be wracked with enough guilt to not let her love speaks its name. Kids these days are raised on "Will & Grace," so the idea that gay=monster is disappearing-- we're looking at a closing window here, people! Then again, I look forward to the plethora of vampire fag hags and monstrous helium-voiced kewpies based on Grace and Karen to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting gays in the thrillers of the coming decades.

Besides, hasn't this been a year of shattered glass ceilings? If a woman can feasibly become President, it makes sense that a Lesbian can be a psychopath, right? They're not a black man or a woman running for president, but people running for president, and (Damn!) Judi Dench isn't a Lesbian psychopath, she's just a psychopath. But let's see more of these movies while the idea of a Lesbian as a monster is still in the public consciousness, okay? Because, as we know, it's always more fun to play the monster.

photo courtesy Giles Keyte/Fox Searchlight

NECKING BUSH

Bush necks with Iowa City Mayor Regenia Bailey

President Bush, surveying the aftermath of devastating floods during a lightning-quick tour of the Midwest on Thursday, assured residents and rescuers alike that he is listening to their concerns and understands their exhaustion. Note Secretary of Homeland Security John Waters in the background.

Is this all Bush does these days-- tries to make amends, or atone for his horrible tenure? Sorry Bushie! A quick kiss won't make us forget Katrina!

(AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

ENOUGH!

(I love Amy Sedaris but as I was reading the review for The Love Guru on Salon by Stephanie Zackarek, an ad from Microsoft, a video of Amy, popped up right on the review and whenever i clicked the little X in the corner, a new tab would open up and the ad would not disappear. There is no way to have the ad disappear. Fuck)

'Timberlake, a game comic actor, is wasted here -- he's simply treated as a walking jockstrap. Alba, supposedly Pitka's love interest (though it's pretty hard to love someone so self-involved), giggles and titters at his jokes, but her laughter is so badly timed that it appears to have been cut in after the fact.'

[photo: Paramount Pictures / George Kraychyk]

SEX AND THE BOOBIES

Page Six reports:

Maybe seeing themselves on the big screen was too much to take for "Sex and the City" stars Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis. Apparently, soon after the movie's release, they both paid a visit to Roosevelt Hospital on 10th Avenue for minor surgeries. "Cynthia had a breast augmentation and soon after, Kristin had the varicose veins on her legs removed," said an insider. "They both made sure they did it on the quietest day of the week." It could explain why Davis always wears long hems. Nixon, whose rep denied the surgery, could have been disappointed with her topless scene. Davis' rep had no comment.

We were going to comment, but what is there to say? Actresses struggling to maintain a career have a little touch-up. Big whup.

Photo courtesy New Line Cinema

WHO'S THE STALKER?

From the Vaults!

Emily Gould's performance on "Larry King Dead" was notorious. She was called a little girl caught in the headlights, an idiot with her overly-mobile mouth and eyes.

Seems clear she was unprepared for the question, she was nervous, and she was 24, for Christ's sake (although her little bouncy hairdo didn't help-- she looked even younger). It didn't help she was piled on by the panel, although she was able to get in a few clear and coherent words.

Bloggers and responders ripped her a new a-hole, but luckily that human colostomy bag, Jimmy Kimmel, was there to stop the overflow. Kimmel wanted her there because he was pissed Gawker noted an occasion when he was drunk. His defense? "I was with youngsters and elderly adults!" Oh, of course-- I never get drunk around the elderly, either. And never babies, not cute little babies!

It's also hilarious to note his get-up-- the Larry King signature white collar and suspenders. Is the guest host obligated to dress as the host? He should have worn a death mask.

It seems strange the other hosts are talking about celebrity murders by crazed fans as though they're so common. Who was the last-- Selena? And that was before the internet.

What's the appropriate response? Perhaps it's not the system that facilitates information, but the society that doesn't care for its mentally ill, or allows guns to be purchased so readily. Or the ambulance chaser mentally that goes after not the insane (and penniless) perpetrator, but the rich institution that somehow enabled him.

Strange, too, the topic is about celebrities feeling endangered by unhinged fans-- and yet Kimmel's personal gripe is that his sobriety was questioned. Shit bag.

SELF-INDULGENT SELF-INDULGENCE

Just finished reading the Emily Gould piece (here). In case you're not part of the incestuous New York publishing industry, or at least read about it (like me) on Gawker, Emily was an editor and blogger at Gawker who's increasingly personal revelations in her New York-centric posts made her the subject of great love and vitriolic responses amongst Gawker's snarky readership. Gawker is like a restaurant where the waiters are instructed to be snooty to the customers-- on Gawker, no one is ever good enough to get good treatment.

Emily had an affair with her fellow editor, Josh Stein, and posted about it in a semi-anonymous, private blog, that quickly became known and public amongst her friends, readership, and senior editors. She and Josh broke up (by IM! how modern!), and the two quickly flamed out, quit Gawker within a year, and then lashed out at each other in tit-for-tat blogs and articles.

Of course, Emily's account from the New York Times a few weeks ago ripped open a new a-hole of accusations and recriminations and name-calling and a round of "she thinks she's so fucking great!"

The story is about her obsessive self-indulgence and need to reveal, so it's hilarious that it's most constantly critiqued as, hold on, self-indulgent and too revealing. Good call! New York Magazine even did a word count and calculated the amount she made for the number of times she used "I" -- $860!

Then, there's Josh's account. To be fair, I'm sure the Times has better editors than the Post. Whereas she tells a story, he lists a series of events-- almost a defense statement.

Photograph by Elinor Carucci for the Times

PIG

Here's Jessica Simpson wearing a free t-shirt (Real Girls Eat Meat) from a slaughterhouse steakhouse with her football boyfriend. Tongues awagging claim it's a subliminal message (as subliminal as a Chicken of the Sea foodie can presumably devise) to her fuckball's last girlfriend, vegetarian sex object, Carrie Underwood. Can little Jess be that subtle or sly? I think not.

As CNN reports today in Des Moines, Iowa:

Luck ran out for about a dozen pigs that escaped their flooded farm, swam through raging floodwaters and scrambled atop a sandbag levee in southeastern Iowa. Des Moines County sheriff's officials shot the pigs, saying they were worried the pigs would weaken the levee.

Really, do pigs ever get a break? I know that Jessica's just a piece her father lends out, but God. PETA, rush out your Vegetarian Starter Kit immediatement before Jessie's father pilots her ass down to a free Des Moines sandbag blood-buffet. Twat.

R.I.P. to a real beauty...

[Jessica Simpson photo courtesy Usmagazine.com]

STRESSFUL FONDLING PRIVILEGES

The possibility of losing a life of leisure is stressful indeed. John Hinckley, narcissistic lover of Jodi Foster and shooter of Ronald Reagan and reader of J.D. Salinger, wants more outside time out of St. Elizabeth's Hospital, a mental facility he's been in for 25 years. And he's a danger because--

Prosecutors noted that as a result of Hinckley's "reemergent narcissism," he "believes himself entitled to a life of leisure and shows significant signs of stress when he is not given his way."

So? I don't get it. Isn't that true for all ex-Salinger readers? Including me; but unlike me, he also juggles sexual relationships, maintains "fondling privileges" with one paramour.

If he ever gets out, I know I great bar where he can drink and feel right at home. It's right by my house. Fondling privileges to be determined.

[Thanks to The Smoking Gun]

NEVER BABY

Here's a clip from "Dr. Phil" featuring Heather Fink, which Heather herself has conveniently provided on her own website. She's one of the gals who dated that notorious Casanova, Paul Janka, and felt so affronted he wanted to have sex after 5 months (!), she just had to go on Dr. Phil to confront him. I don't know, maybe she seems an opportunist? And would-be comedienne-- check out her comedy turn on YouTube. Yeah, swearing was funny when I was 13, too.

Maybe he's a jerk. Maybe he's goes too far. But he seems calm and contained amongst those affronted, hair-tossing bitches. Is it possible what he says is true? Self-confident women aren't put off by his approach? These women, the ones with the grievances, have taken their cues from "Friends," where women are cutesy and adolescent; any reference to sex makes them giggly and shy.

ANGELINA JOLIE-MESSAGE

Isn't she pretty?

But more than that, can she get off my back?

I know about the refugee crisis. I'm not sure what Refugee Day accomplishes, but I do know the people who can swoop in and save people and make a difference are people like her. So what does she want from me?

You have to be rich to get anything done. You need to be rich to be green, even.

Just get off my back and stop making me feel guilty. At least wait 'til I've bought groceries, then maybe we can talk. Strange how the press holds back images but Angelina and George and Leonardo and Oprah can get the news out.

In the face of disaster, I don't want to hear how I can donate. Government and Celebrity, Go, go do the work of the heroic, and after everyone's happy, when there's no more war, no more displacement, no more fear and hunger, then you can tell me about it.

THE FIRST REAL METROSEXUAL?

Girls, you know all about metrosexuals. Straight guys who dress and groom like your fagbot friends-- but they're into you! It's like you're best friend and your fuck-bud all rolled into one.

So, here's Paul Janka. According to the girls who date him, he's cultured, handsome, well-dressed-- and just like a fag, he sometimes expects a fuck on the first date. Jesus, I don't know any fagboy who would leave with less than a fingerfuck at the door. Except it usually happens on the way in, not the way out. That's how we say "hello."

TWO KINDS OF CRAZY (BITCHES)

I love that scene in "Knocked Up" where the two sisters talk about going out and having fun. They grab each other and scream, "Eeee!", as though the guys writing the film couldn't think of anything for them to say.

So many pivotal parts of the movie are based on that idea, that women are irrational and don't have to explain their decisions. The entire movie is predicated on Katherine Heigl's seeming irrationality, like, Why would she want to keep this baby? Why would she want to inform the father? Why would she want to have a relationship with him? Why wouldn't she even consider having an abortion?

The anti-abortion vibe expressed by the other characters is so dated and strange. Her mother comes across as insane, cold, and brutal, suggesting only insane, cold, and brutal women would consider it. Ben's father is warm and loving and "feelgood" and suggests even mistake-babies could turn out to be the greatest gift any prospective father could have. And "abortion" can't even be voiced by Ben's friends, instead referred to as something that "rhymes with," and in a way that suggests it's a joke, not something to seriously contemplate.

The other pivotal scene is the sister's discovery of her husband's peccadillo-- a fantasy baseball league, not the secret love tryst she believes to be interrupting. You would think any normal woman would be embarrassed and chastised by her paranoia, but no, she still holds his innocent pastime as a betrayal, because, it seems, wives demand absolute transparency. Oh, what the guys have to abandon to conform to the wedded ideal!

It's almost as though the two sisters are two stages of womenhood-- Single and Married. Katherine Heigl is the beautiful loving successful woman who accepts all Ben's faults, for whom any man would give up his fantasy extracurricular activities to marry, and Leslie Mann is the ball-breaking bitch who's no longer so indulgent. They're out to trick you, guys! Once your married, everything changes!

RECOUNT

Anyone see "Recount?" Shit, those were the good old days, when the worst your president would do is something you dream about all day long. Yeah, that's right, I know you wanna stick your cigar up some pussy, just own that shit. Now the bar's been raised and now you gotta go out and murder thousands of innocent people if you want to keep up. Shit, times really are tough.

Okay, so the movie was boring as shit, although factually accurate, except Laura Dern wasn't wearing enough fucking Mary Kay. I wouldn't be surprised if Katherine Haggis had her own little pink Mary Kay car to cruise around in. She didn't get to be Governor, but she always got a foot in the door at MK.com

Yeah, those were the days. Remember the dangling chad dress? A fucking sensation. Or it would have been, if I ever made it. The whole thing was over before I could get a patent. But shit, they never got those machines fixed in Florida so I guess there's time before November. Yeah, I'll get right on it.

Remember people didn't give a shit who won, because they said the candidates were basically the same? Oh, ha hahaha hahaha hahahahh HAHAHAHAH!! Yeah, I'm sure if Bush had lost, he would have won an Oscar and a Noble Peace Prize for his humanitarian work. Although Bush leaving the White House and never ever again working for the "public good" would be the greatest humanitarian achievement of the 21st Century.

On the plus side of Gore losing, Joe Losermann would have been a viable presidential candidate. We can thank the Supreme Court for that, at least.

GO AWAY

Okay, so this is an old movie, but what the fuck can I say? My husband chains me to the stove and I don't get out much. So I watched it on the dvd machine. Anyway, people apparently loved this shit. Directed by Sarah Polley, little Miss Indie Queen. She's so anti-Hollywood she removes silicon from her boobs and recycles it. She keeps pulling on her face to get wrinkles. So it makes sense her directorial debut is about Oldtimerz' disease. But if she's so goddamn indie, why did she make a Lifetime Channel movie?

They better not show this on Lifetime, because the demographic for that shit is 40 but look worse than Julie Christie in her 60's. They're like, "Shit, I want Oldtimerz'! I want to look beautiful and be able to get the fuck away from my husband too!"

If you've ever known anyone with Oldtimerz, ever seen anyone with Oldtimerz, you know it's not pretty. And that's all this movie is-- pretty pretty. Julie Christie looking into the distance with that giant silver head of hair, wearing giant cowlneck sweaters where the cowl is a fucking sweater of itself. The only real moment was her comment about the "ugly baby" --but she wouldn't have whispered it, she should have shouted in the baby's face. Now that's the Oldtimerz' I know.

Boring movie. So tasteful, so restrained. The Academy should give Sarah Polley a Lifetime Achievement Award and retire her before she creates again.

Photos by Michael Gibson, courtesy of Lionsgate.

SUPPOSED FORMER STAR

Look at that Tawny Bitch. Read all about her so-called ironic (her definition) life here.

Our contributor notes: "Why does she annoy me so much? God. All that esteem crapola and knowing herself. Uggh. Pretentious. So Canadian."

We agree! So Alanus Moreshite!

MCGREEDY

No small parts, just small actors. No bad materials, just bad actresses.

MacGreedy pulled her name from the Emmy's 'cause she's offering herself up to Oscar.

Image courtesy buddytv

SIMON'S THE REAL AVON LADY

Are Simon's boobies tender? Why so mean to the genius hat poet? Anne Sexton just swallowed another cold damp bottle of Thorazine in honour. Oh no, wait, it was the martini-cigarette-car-in-the-garage method! Classy! Simon needs a hysterectomy; he's doing the female race a disservice.

Limited? I think not! And I know poetry, darlings. . .it takes this kind of focus/dementia.

MAYA & YOURA PRESIDENT

"The fair thing would be, in electing the American president, to let everyone in the world vote, because it affects all of us. If there was a world vote, there’s no question who would win." -Chris Martin

He's thinking Gwyneth. With Apple as her vip. And Moses as Moses. New post, "Official Moses." Why else they give him a fucking name like that, unless they want him to fucking part the seas? No, no big expectations with a name like that. That's not going to fuck him up.

SO-- who to represent the world? Maya Angelou? She's black, female, she wears head wraps, she talks fancy talk-- I'm seeing at least 4 continents represented right there. Plus, you know Oprah would be pulling for that shit. Bitch gets whatever she wants. She could get "Harold & Kumar" to win best picture if she put it on her show. And that shit was better than "Crash."

TRUSSED GAMES

“It was just a bit of fun and not down to drink. Naomi was playing this trust game, where you fall into a friend’s arms. It’s very hot there, so that could also have had something to do with it.”

"Turn my back on my friends? Hell yes!" Bitch didn't understand she had to fall backwards. "Fuck that-- I'm taking you down too!"

Photo courtesy INFdaily.com

JEN'S NEW ROLE

Give her a Peter Pan collar, some yarn and a McCall's pattern to knit some booties, a gift certificate to IKEA and some personal lubricant for when Ben comes home, but please stop giving this bitch movie roles. She's got the role of America's most boring mom down pat.

Photo courtesy Wenn.

MEDIUM RENEWED

The long-running NBC show starring Patricia Arquette will return in the fall, according to NBC execs, with a new title, "Large."

Okay, she's not that big. We like big girls, and medium ones, too.

But it's funny.

HILLARY DONE IT?

Tim Russert dead today at 58. Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann better watch their backs.

Photo courtesy Getty Images

YSL

Image courtesy brightstarlights.wordpress.com

MY YSL--my fidgetygay genius designer, purportedly putting women in pants with style.

I thought Austin Scarlett from Project Runway would take the reign, but where is he? He's disappeared into the couture ether [couture esther?]...well anyway, YSL has made me what I am today. Overthehill, white-haired, ugly 40year old who wears pants everyday!

No, I shouldn't say that. I really loved him...I just wanted to pick him up and take him home, give him a sketchpad, a boa, a sequin-blind-working-lady and some Valium. Endlessly brilliant. Shockingly brilliant. Poor Pierre Berge, still secretive after all these years. From a time when gay was something respectful. Presumed and intangible. Under the couture sequins where it belonged. Now there are gay cocks all over the place, instead of in your pants where they belong.

R.I.P. YSL. Sweet dreams.

I KISSED A BOY

"It was like, have you ever had warm apple pie with cold ice cream, too? Not too many men can say [they had] a nice big lip lock with Steve Carell. The length I go, the committed actor. Jake Gyllenhaal did it. Will Smith did it. I thought it was my turn to kiss a man."

Will Smith? Don't remember that. "Don't kiss no man," Denzel told him, and he took that advice like Star Jones promptly filling a prescription after a visit to Dr. Cookie. Oh, wait, maybe Rock was thinking of Jada-Pinkett. Yeah, I was confused when I saw those biceps heading into the little girl's room, too.

And don't forget Ashton Kutcher. Not content to saliba-swap with Seann William Scott, the Kutcher's Wife does go home every night to one of Hollywood's former leading men, Demi Moore. Deep, deep lingual-lapping, which is why Demi's so horse I mean hoarse all the time.

Picture courtesy Warner Bros. Pictures

SUCH MATERIALS

What is Hollywood's obsession with these bland, milk-fed maidens? (And does it have anything to do with the current obsession for grass-fed beef?) Didn't the Third Reich end in 1945? Is this Hitler's revenge? To finally conquer through the beige-and-boring? Look at that hair-to-skin color ratio.

Why she was ignored by/ pulled out of the Emmy's: "I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention. In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials."

No good materials? Bitch should start writing her own materials, let's see how far she gets.

GIVE THE BITCH A BREAK

Okay. So Bitch looks pretty good. She's lucky her ass not as butterfaced as her butterface. Bitch not trying out for "Fool's Gold 2," so give the Bitch a break.

Why come we can't break the Bitch over the real shit? Bitch can't write a poem to save her life. Bitch was a dime a dozen back in High School-- sorta pudgy, wore a lot of black, loved Siouxsie. Bitch got a real break heading the Lilith Fair-- with her talent, Bitch would be lucky to arrange the local Christmas pageant. In fucking Iowa.

Bitch keeps singing Joni Mitchell songs-- Bitch should be glad Joni not butting out her American Spirits on that Lilith-white ass.

Photo Credit Splash News.

THE COLOR OF GREEN

Color it green, Asshole got a cabbage leaf on his head.

Picture Source: Pacific Coast News

BABY WIPES

Star Magazine reports Zac Efron hates showering.

"Zac isn't a big fan of showering. It's so gross, because Zac loves to work out and plays basketball all the time — and then goes days without showering. When he gets lazy, he likes to clean himself with baby wipes!"

Shit, that's one big baby wipe he's holding. More like a Nikki Blonsky baby wipe.

James Dean didn't shower either. If Zac died now, would "American Musical 2" become the "Rebel Without a Cause" for our generation?

Don't worry girls, I'm sure he wears dress sheilds-- and you should too! It's okay if you don't, though-- just don't expect to ever be asked out by a boy. Ever. Really. They're more important than every maxi, mini, smooth plastic applicator and wad of toilet tissue you ever flushed out into the ocean.

Photo Credit: Fame

ANGIE DARK

Mocha eyes, mocha nips. We know Angie's in Europe 'cause the coffee's showing through her peep holes. Ain't no fra-crapuccino, turbinado sugar, extra-light soy milk in either pair of baby browns-- but maybe just a touch of foam.

LOVE, SYDNEY

Okay, so you loved him in Tootsie, Michael Clayton, and "Will & Grace," for Christ's sake. But we loved him in "Husbands and Wives"-- a movie proving that, even when he's dispensing with a Cocktail Waitress, he's still a class act. Remember that, George Clooney.

(Image courtesy Screenrush)

BECAUSE HE SAID SO!

Al Pacino, Diane Keaton, Robert De Niro and Robert Redford are "parodies," according to Rupert Everett.

Did he mention they were working parodies? And maybe he was thinking of Jack Nicolson and Dennis Hopper?

Okay, so we agree about Diane Keaton-- we love her, but she needs a director in fucking chaps and riding boots to whip the bitch into shape. You know those lazy asses just point the camera at her and say "Go! You know-- do your thing!" Like they do with fucking Vince Vaughn. Except Annie Hall showed she's got the fucking chops. You know Vince pops 3 Ritalins and a mickey of scotch whenever he hears "action!"

ANGIE BLACK

Girls do evil shit to themselves all the time, and Angie's out there to say it's all right. I guess it helps she's beautiful!

Entertainment Weekly: Some people can't reconcile your old persona, where you talked about knives and cutting, with your more recent identity as a mother and activist.

Angie: But again, it's not that different. The reason I talked about going through certain pains or even cutting myself is that I was already out the other side. I knew there were people that do that — and somehow are happy that somebody admitted they did and discussed how they got out of it. I don't see the point of doing an interview unless you're going to share the things you learn in life and the mistakes you make. So to admit that I'm extremely human and have done some dark things, I don't think makes me unusual or unusually dark. I think it actually is the right thing to do and I'd like to think it's the nice thing to do.

[Image by VINCENT PETERS.]

PC GONE TOO FAR

Sarah Larson: “They say that I’m a stripper. There’s a ton of stuff about that. I’ve never been a stripper. You know, just because I’m from Las Vegas, I must be a stripper. Because I’m a cocktail server, that means I’m an escort.”

Cocktail Server? Why not Imbibing Enhancer? Libation Dispensor? Social Lubricationist? You're a Cocktail Waitress bitch, own it!