TENDER PINK

She's like Alanis Morissette or Avril Lavigne (Canada makes bitches!) who are slotted into the punk woman-power man-hating bitch-stars with their hits "You Ought'a Know" and "Sk8ter Boy" and now "So What" --but really the songs aren't about female empowerment, they're really just raging-against-the-man-because-the-man-screwed -you-over songs, and what's more loserly than that? Get over it.

And you have to feel bad for Alanis. I mean, it was revealed she wrote "You Ought'a Know" about being dumped by Dave Coulier from "Full House" -- imagine how she feels about getting dumped by Ryan Reynolds for Scarlett Johnassen? Ouch! Where's the big hit about that one, Alanis? Get that big old butt off the cookie wagon and get angry, beyotch!

And I know Avril's song isn't about being dumped by the guy, but she takes such pleasure that the ballet-girl passed over the sk8ater boi so she, Avril, could be the one to acknowledge his greatness/give him approbation. I mean, if she gets all her own approbation from pumping up the guy/dumping on the girl, don't you think she's setting herself up to get shit on? Yeah, so punk, so do-it-yourself.

The Pink (or P!nk, how Pun&!) video is weird because she obviously acknowledges the guy (her husband) hurt her, and that she really isn't all "so what" about the whole thing. If she really having "more fun?" It's all the manufactured, record-company-exec's-idea-of-fun-- Pink smashing a guitar, Pink chainsawing a tree. Methinks the Pinks doth protest too much. Plus it's really gross her ex-husband appears in the video with his ugly greasy Pete Wentz-beaver-tail-with-skunk-streak hair-do. Jesus Christ, it's the public relations stunt Madonna would have pulled if Guy Ritchie didn't hate her guts.

HEARTBREAK PRESCRIPTION FROM DR. COOKIE

Big Hair? What about big butt? What the hell happened to Alanis?

Jesus Christ, girl must really be in the dumps after breaking up with Ryan Reynolds-- either that, or she's so pissed at him she threw out all her Reynolds Wrap, and now insists on finishing everything on her plate. No leftovers for Alanis! She'll finish everything on your plate too.

Watch out, Ryan, your day of infamy is coming, like Dave Coulier's in "You Ought'a Know." It's the Alanis curse-- she writes an angry, bitter litany of your faults, and the song goes on the great fame, while your fame diminishes! Diminishing returns!

Look out for Alanis' new hip-hop/pop cross-over hit (sung at the piano, of course), "Reynolds Rap."

ALL ANUS

Doesn't she look like Juliette Lewis up there? The look of the early 90's.

While we're on the subject of Alanis, here's another video from back in the day, which features none other than Matt LeBlanc, aka Joey from Friends.

Seems like JoeyMatt had a career before Friends (if not after), as he was, famously (to the gays), also featured on the cover of Spartacus around the same time as this video. I mean, come on, Spartacus? Even Esther's sister knows what that mag's about. Tony Curtis giving sponge baths to Kirk Douglas in his teeny-weeny-itsy-bitsies.

YOU SHOULD'A KNOWN

I've been obsessed with Alanis Morissette since I saw the video for "Never Too Hot!" on MuchMusic back in the early 90's. What was it about Alanis that struck a chord? Maybe because she looked like the girl at school who looked like she should've been in secretarial school? (Maybe I should've, too?) The girl who crawled up my leg at a Classics Department Association party (Hey! I was lonely!) saying, "I'd really love to give you a blow job." Wait, maybe it was Alanis! She famously went down on her mystery paramour in a theatre-- so fancy, the way she sang "theatre" -- "thee-a-tar" --evoking Shakespeare's Globe Theatre, but since it was LA, I always imagine it was Grauman's Chinese.

Well, maybe Alanis should've made like Carly Simon, never revealing the identity of the man behind her most famous song. Then again, we all know (or at least think we know) that "You're So Vain" is either about Mick Jagger or Warren Beatty, who are still cooler than the man behind "You Ought'a Know," which has been revealed, and the world has sighed a collective "who?" --to learn it's Dave Coulier, one of the other guys who was not John Stamos or Bob Sagat or one of the Olsen Twins on "Full House."

Such strum and drang over a guy who looks like Jeff Daniels? Whose features seem to have shrunk into the middle of his face? Well, I guess even secretaries have dreams, as limited as they are.


Photo: Us Magazine

SUPPOSED FORMER STAR

Look at that Tawny Bitch. Read all about her so-called ironic (her definition) life here.

Our contributor notes: "Why does she annoy me so much? God. All that esteem crapola and knowing herself. Uggh. Pretentious. So Canadian."

We agree! So Alanus Moreshite!