SEXY IMPUDENCE OF THE DAY

Obviously this video is biased (and 'in translation'), and I don't really know anything about it, however, it's the only one I could find where you really see Ara Abrahamian in his sexy glory. He is a Swedish Wrestler that threw a bit of a fit yesterday, claiming the judges were politically motivated (what else is new?) and then dropped his bronze medal and walked out of the awards ceremony. Excellent!

If he is Armenian, as his name suggests, I am proud of his sore sourness (what Armenians should ceaselessly be displaying in general), and wouldn't mind a taste of that piping pro wrestling myself! He should have just grabbed that laughing judge in a headlock and engaged in a little waged war on his balls.

PENIS HEAD

I think that what we have to do is consider changing the thrust of this blog to just a probe, a light fingering, slow digit insertion, concentrated deep stroking, then eventual paroxysm of pleasure in Tommy Cruise's damaged ego and psyche. Or mine. I want him to fail. Or at least be stripped bare then unfurled, so to speak. And when he is, I am happy.

Reading Dana Stevens' review of Tropic Thunder in Slate, I nearly had my own kind of 'O' jumping on my own couch. She writes:

Robert Downey Jr. knocking a role like this out of the park is no surprise. But who could have foreseen Tom Cruise nearly stealing the movie in a fat suit, a prosthetic nose, a skinhead wig, and an Austin Powers-style mat of chest fur? Cruise is always at his best when he's skewering some unpleasant aspect of his own persona; thus, the crazed motivational speaker he played in Magnolia was a career high point, and the supremely crude Les Grossman is another. Maybe as the head of United Artists, Cruise really does spew vicious obscenities on the phone and engage in triumphant hip-hop dances in an underground bunker of an office. At any rate, never has a role so cannily taken advantage of Cruise's compact, thumblike body shape—that is, his physical resemblance to a penis. As Les Grossman, he's a literal and figurative dick, and it's the role of a lifetime.

I'm not happy with her suggesting that he's hit anything out of any park, however, I will take the rest.

It's his only defense now. That's what narcissists do, trust me, I know. Assholes. When everything starts crumbling around them, everyone sees through them, sees the flimsy social constructs they've constructed, they make a last ditch effort to win back your love, even if it means self-parody, self-assault. He is a bully of Thetan proportions.

He is a Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick.

photo courtesy: Media.Movieweb.com

SMELLY

What's that smell?

You know I really don't want to be one of those evil bloggers that say things like this because I'm no beauty queen [!!], but my Lordy there is Something About Eva that makes me wanna barf. She looks like she smells.

There are other smelly beauties in Hollywood, for sure---Cameron Diaz, Katherine Heigl, Lindsay Lohan, Julia Roberts, all the girls from The Hills [but mostly that's eau de slut], and even Charlize Theron, Amazon perfect blonde, smells sometimes. But Eva is special. I have a special little place in my nose just for her.

For Eva, makeup is actually a team of microscopic [with minerals!] photoshopping men sitting on her face torturous-ly touching her up as she just goes about her desperate day. Except for in the picture above, that was probably taken during the Makeup Artists' strike. Those guys are not paid enough.

photo courtesy Usmagazine

PORN GENIUS

The Globe & Mail (Canada's National Newspaper) is reporting today that a Colorado man was arrested for posing as a 'porn inspector'.

Drew Libby, 33, pretended to be a police detective and 'told employees at an adult novelty shop to give him free videos so he could check them for underage participants'.

So I'm wondering, what happened to my supply of underage dildos he said he'd pick up? I think they were stamped "made in China," so maybe they got sent back? Everything's underage in China.

KOOKOO BANANAS, THE PREQUEL

Okay, so the Scientology video of Tom "Cruised-me-in-the-men's-room" is definitely high on the kookoo-meter, but we all know his career freefall started well before that. I can't stop watching this video because it so perfectly epitomizes a time, a place, the forces of phony good against the forces of bad phoniness.

If only those two had canceled each other out, Crash would not have won best picture, Hillary would be the nominee, and poor Katie wouldn't have to keep changing her hairdo to deal with her depression at having kissed a prince that became the evil muppet troll-frog.

NOTHING NEW

Oh, that sexy little Maureen Dowd. Ever the femme fatale, she loves intrigue and dark-alley dealings so much, then lambastes her hated enemies for employing the same techniques. Is it because Hillary hasn't done as Maureen has done, embraced her inner vamp? If Hillary wore a fedora pulled down over one eye, a cigarette dangling from her ruby-red lips spotlit by a nearby lampost, would she instead be celebrated? Sorry, Hills, rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty just isn't sexy.

Maureen's latest column (a constant source of pun-ditry if I ever saw it-- oh, a pun!) is about that ever-present rumour of the Clintons hijacking the Democratic convention, persuading the delegates to cast a protest vote for Clinton instead of Obama. It's doubtful Hillary could become the nominee, but it would so hamstring and demoralize the Democrats that McCain would win, setting Hillary up to compete against Mitt Romney in 2012. Veep Romney will have become president after McCain's living rigor mortis has reached an advanced stage, his lips peeled back to reveal his tiny little yellow teeth set in an eternal smile. See? It's already happening.

There's nothing else to write about, so why not the Clintons? Obama and McCain are so lacking in vim and vigour, we need to evoke the spectre of Clintonism to get the pundit's hearts pounding. There's also the backward glance, the "what went wrong?" eviscerations, like this one in the Atlantic. Emails and notes from the Clinton campaign have been released, revealing-- what we already knew. The bickering, the overspending, the inability of Clinton to make hard, fast decisions-- it's already been done. Still, it's fun to look through the timeline and realize, shit, the Clinton camp knew this a long time ago, and still they let it happen.

Of course, if Clinton had won, disarray and overspending would have been seen as a winning strategy. It's the particular curse of the favourite to be labeled self-defeating when she doesn't win. What I don't understand-- how do decision about commercials and states to caucus show one's preparation for being president? It's a winning strategy for a popularity contest, but preparation for commander-in-chief? As far as I know, the President doesn't sit around producing commercials about his merits. And sure, she overspent-- but what president doesn't leave office with a deficit? Clinton's husband, for one-- and although there's evidence she'd be less thrifty than Bill, anything would be better than the current overseer of the congressional money pit.

I can't remember-- did Bush ever veto a single spending bill? Did he ever veto anything? Talk about inability to make hard decisions.

THE JANIS IAN OF CHINA

Oh Lord, this is a sadness I know too well.

Ever since I drew the longer straw and won the role of Snow White in my Christmas pageant [we were a post-modern kind of school, with our Ackeresque rewriting of female roles at Xmas] instead of my best friend, the more palatable Doris, and watched the faces of all my grade 8 class drop in sheer horror. And then overheard my teacher mutter under her breath, 'Elephant' in the wings as my [why???] skinny ass exited the stage and ran to make what was supposed to be a hilarious re-exit on stage right, I know the Janis Ian heartbreak of being the ugly girl.

I didn't watch the Chinese Olympics opening and missed the ethereal beauty of the little girl on the left belt her cookie-cutter heart out, because frankly I wasn't interested, and plus I was busy drinking my elephantine pain away on a patio. But now I'm interested.

According the The Huffington Post:

"A 7-year-old Chinese girl was not good-looking enough for the Olympics opening ceremony, so another little girl with a pixie smile lip-synched "Ode to the Motherland," a ceremony official said -- the latest example of the lengths Beijing took for a perfect start to the Summer Games. . .'The audience will understand that it's in the national interest, Chen said in a video of the interview posted online Sunday night. The national interest requires that the girl should have good looks and a good grasp of the song and look good on screen, Chen said. "Lin Miaoke was the best in this. And Yang Peiyi's voice was the most outstanding."

How can a lip-syncing little bitch have a better grasp of a song than the actual singer of the song? God. The indignity!

So, in the age-old, sorrowful song of the plucky ugly girl that bravely faces her first realization of the how the real world operates in all the classes in all the schools in apparently all the world:

"I am proud to have been chosen to sing at all."

Thanks to The Huffington Post

BLAST FROM THE PAST OF THE DAY

Before extensions and weaves and all the fake crapola---that's real hair, baby!

THE MOLARS WILL BE TELEVISED

I hate to be such a downer. . .hahahahah. . .however, Michael Phelps scares me. And I mean besides his sinewy, deranged torso, the fact that you can see all his teeth all the way back to his molars when he smiles, and his single-minded American ability to win win win.

Is he Telly from Kids by Larry Clark? Remember that movie!!??? I've not been able to look at a sputtering nasal geekoid in the same way.

Here's Michael Phelps/Leo Fitzpatrick spreading his disease around:


Put your 400m disease in meee, Michael.

BITE THE WEINER I MEAN WINNER

That's not wallpaper, that's cover your balls-paper.

We know she's going to vote for McCain. He adopted a baby from Bangladesh, which is right on the border of Zamboobia, where Angelina does all her baby-shopping (at least her first). McCain's got Madonna's vote as well. And A-Rod's, A-Rod's wife, Lenny Kravtiz', Roxie Roker's, Mr. Bentley's-- McCain will win the election by 6 degrees of separation!

NO, ENDORSE ME!!!

Wilshire & Washington reports that both Obama and McCain have reached out to Angelina for an endorsement. But she has not made up her sexy ass yet:

"I have not decided on a candidate. I am waiting to see the commitments they will make on issues like international justice, refugees and how to address the needs of children in crisis around the world."

Actually I never hear any of the candidates talk about any of that stuff, so I don't know what she's waiting for. I heard that she'd contributed to the Edwards sex campaign. Now, that's her kind of man! Too bad he's out. But hey, McCain, things are looking up for you, you left your kids and crippled wife for a fresh new heiress.

Angelina loves that! Ooooo, she's such an evil homewrecker!

BREAKING NEWS!!! NEW RIELLE HUNTER MOTION PICTURE