BOO

Women are scary! That's why you see so many frat boys dressed as women at Hallowe'en. I'm surprised we don't see more guys dressed up as vaginas, bloody tampons, or positive pregnancy tests. Hallowe'en is all about the taboo shit, and if you can be it, you dispel it's power. That's why you see so many frat boys wearing big afros too. Oooo, scary!

Well fellas, whatever happens next Tuesday, the blacks or the women are taking over. According to the voters of rural Pennsylvania and Ohio, if Obama is elected president, we'll all be forced to become black. So guys, get your afro wigs out, because after Tuesday you'll be shot if you're not a bro'.

Alternatively, we could have Sarah Palin as the holder of the nuclear codes. OOOhhh, eeekkk, aaahhhh!

CIVILIZATION AND MY DISCONTENTS

"People would think I'd have enough money, but I do have a very expensive, or comparatively expensive, divorce. I feel angry sometimes. But my anger is not so much about sharing the property but having to go on working hard to provide alimony for someone who's already going to have at least 10 million dollars' worth of property. In my 70th year I will still be spending two months a year doing work that is of no interest to me and which is probably slightly spiritually depleting in order to feed the beast."

I'm not a big Monty Python fan because I get bored of it easily, but I've always secretly liked John Cleese. Ironically, he reminds me of my beast, my psychiatrist, who used to spray me with torturous questions without looking at me, in a dry condescending tone, never laughing at my nervous jokes before he'd finally dole out the happy pills. His 70s Bob Newhart office, brown slacks with blue socks and Birkenstocks, and quite often, a schizophrenic or two outside the door talking to themselves, will always warm my heart. God, I was so scared of him. Being the borderline I am, loving the beast is my problem, fear/inferiority mixed with lust is my downfall. Anyway, Cleese reminds me of him and so when I read the above I was annoyed that if his ex-wife can get 10 million out of him, he must have at least double that or more anyway, so what's he crying about. And then I was sad that he had to work at age 70 to pay her. And then I was annoyed again because fuck, like I don't have a fucking spiritually depleting job too and nowhere near 10 million dollars, hardly able to buy groceries, vodka. And then I was sort of hot for him for marrying a psychiatrist, my ultimate fantasy. Alice Faye Eichelberger, his ex, is the author of How to Manage Your Mother: Understanding the Most Difficult, Complicated, and Fascinating Relationship in Your Life. And, she studied at the The Hampstead Clinic with Anna Freud. All that FREE probing on a daily basis. I guess he's paying for the freebies and his transference sins now. Beautiful therapists will shrink your balls eventually.

LAYING PIPE BOMBS

Wowza. Fucking Fair and Fucking Balanced! And Fucking Strange. . .what's going on here? Fox News is now dipping into the Obama pool of fame. I guess they've decided he's going to win.

You know, I was born in Israel and listened to my father talk about it my entire life, in and out of consciousness (my consciousness) and I can't even begin to understand all the intricacies of middle-eastern politics, so this is especially hilarious for me. Joe the Plumber talking about Israel whilst knowing absolutely nothing about it. Why would he agree to the interview? Actions speak louder than words, Joe.

I hear now that ol' Joe's coming out with a country album; 12 all- new, re-tooled, unlicensed versions of the David Wilcox classic 'Wacking Wacked Out Sarah With My Pipe'.

I put the pipe in
I pull it out again
My back is so sore
I can't work much more
I can't get my traction
The ground's too wet
I take a ten minute break
Ah smoke a cigarette
I don't mind the night shift
The cool breeze when the sun goes down
Winter time the ground is hard
Take twice as long to drill down

I'm layin' pipe All night long
Layin' pipe I'm working so hard
I'm layin' pipe All night long
Layin' pipe To satisfy that woman

(real lyrics for 'Laying Pipe')

AND I RAN

Here lies (!) another stupid ad from the McCain camp. The music here is by Djivan Gasparyan, an Armenian 'master' duduk player. The duduk is oboe-like and made of the wood from the apricot tree and is the national instrument of Armenia. Ancient, sad, and also loved in Iran. I'm so deeply offended but can't pinpoint yet why. I guess I feel a little raped or something.

This is for my sister, a little too 'modern' for me. Nune Yesayan and Djivan Gasparyan, 'Die Yaman':

REDISTRIBUTING HENDRIK

Does anyone else feel the tingling when they read Hendrik Hertzberg in The New Yorker? I'm just spreading his wealth around.

Hendrik Hertzberg in his Comment in the New Yorker this week:

During the 2000 campaign, on MSNBC’s “Hardball,” a young woman asked him why her father, a doctor, should be “penalized” by being “in a huge tax bracket.” McCain replied that “wealthy people can afford more” and that “the very wealthy, because they can afford tax lawyers and all kinds of loopholes, really don’t pay nearly as much as you think they do.” The exchange continued:

YOUNG WOMAN: Are we getting closer and closer to, like, socialism and stuff?. . .
MCCAIN: Here’s what I really believe: That when you reach a certain level of comfort, there’s nothing wrong with paying somewhat more.

For her part, Sarah Palin, who has lately taken to calling Obama “Barack the Wealth Spreader,” seems to be something of a suspect character herself. She is, at the very least, a fellow-traveller of what might be called socialism with an Alaskan face. The state that she governs has no income or sales tax. Instead, it imposes huge levies on the oil companies that lease its oil fields. The proceeds finance the government’s activities and enable it to issue a four-figure annual check to every man, woman, and child in the state. One of the reasons Palin has been a popular governor is that she added an extra twelve hundred dollars to this year’s check, bringing the per-person total to $3,269. A few weeks before she was nominated for Vice-President, she told a visiting journalist—Philip Gourevitch, of this magazine—that “we’re set up, unlike other states in the union, where it’s collectively Alaskans own the resources. So we share in the wealth when the development of these resources occurs.” Perhaps there is some meaningful distinction between spreading the wealth and sharing it (“collectively,” no less), but finding it would require the analytic skills of Karl the Marxist.

UNFAIR AND UNBALANCED

What a fucking bitch. "Fox news it always fair and balanced" God, makes me sick. Just watch her talking over him when it's his turn. The Fox "newscasters" are robots. They're like every successful person, the boss you hate with no human emotion, no empathy, no manners!

Fake criticisms. She's the one being sarcastic yet she throws the criticism first so she can be like a pre-schooler, "called it!" Like that makes you fireproof. How do you win against such pushy liars? That's why Republicans tend to win, they're more willing to be monsters, winning monsters, and everyone wants to be a monster I mean a winner.

BARACK FOR PRESIDENT

Okay, so we're still waiting for Angelina's endorsement, but we got the New York Times, so I think we can safely say that Peephole supports Barack Obama for President. Additionally, we support Sarah Palin's view in Peephole, I mean People Magazine, that she:

can always go home again and just be Mom and be perfectly happy and fulfilled with the blessings that God has given [them]. And with a great marriage and great parents and siblings and children, [she] could today go home and just be Mom.

Everybody wins!

We apologize to those in states like Ohio, Texas, and Florida that have early voting. If you voted before you saw our endorsement, and mistakenly voted for the wrong candidate, please go to your local Acorn registration center where you can sign up to vote again. You should probably sign up to vote twice, so as to cancel out your earlier vote for McCain.

We must admit there is one regret in casting our lot with Obama-- remember how dull the campaign became when Hillary dropped from the race? Just imagine the dreariness of 8 years of happiness, prosperity, and well-wishes from the other nations of the world; 8 years without Cindy McCain and her hair pulled back so tight her scalp is screaming; 8 years without Sarah and her brood of Trig and Trog and Brig and Willow, and Todd and his new sidekick Levi, riding shotgun (ha! get it?), as they embark on their cross-country Zamboni races.

We're left with the boring dullness of the non-flashy, non-trashy Obamas and Bidens. At least we still have a financial meltdown to look forward to-- and that of course means more Barney Frank! So cheers to Barney, hoping he maintains the freakish colour we've come to expect from our elected officials!

BRISTOL-PACKIN' MOMMA

People magazine interview Sarah Palin.

The article is titled "My Wedding Hope for Bristol," which should be subtitled 'I hope there'll be a wedding.' I guess it all depends on you voters on November 4th! Free Levi! You know IF Sarah loses she'll be pesona non grata in the Republican Party, she'll go back to her igloo-castle up in the hinterlands, and no one will care whether Levi and Bristol get married. Don't ruin their lives forever! Vote Democratic!

You know you're in shit when PeepHole, I mean People Magazine starts grilling you. But she asked for it-- did she really need to say she was a voracious reader, or agree she's an intellectual? How many voracious readers do you know who can't tell you what they're reading? Well, to be fair, after being pressed, she mentions one book, "The Looming Tower," and from the title I was sure it was one of those "Left Behind" pieces of crap, you know, like where everyone goes to Alaska before the rapture?

Some other interesting stuff-- she doesn't seem to care that Levi is dropping out of school, noting a lot of "successful" families are headed by guys with GEDs. She also says she's not against sex ed to prevent unwanted pregnancies, although "abstinence" is preferable.

They also call their new, um, autistic baby "Uncle Trig." It's all in the family.

JON HAMM SAVES SNL AND ME

Yes, I know SNL is in the midst of a 'comeback' with all the Sarah Palin/Tina Fey crapola but have you watched beyond the opening skit? God, sucks the life out of you. Jon Hamm last night saved it all. I laughed semi-consistently, floored by his hotness and talent and Charles Mason impression (of all people). He was stellar, never flubbed, and seemingly memorized his lines so never had to look past his skit co-star to read behind their head. A nice change.
Ok, so I have the hots for him. I want him, I want Don Draper, and let's see about getting me out of this skirt!

$150,000 FORCLOTHESURE

Dispossession, repossession, foreclosure---Neiman Marcus evicted the devil from Sarah Palin and it only cost $150,000.
Now, she is denying it:

"That whole thing is just, bad!" she said. "Oh, if people only knew how frugal we are. I think Hillary Clinton was held to a different standard in her primary race," Palin said. "Do you remember the conversations that took place about her, say superficial things that they don't talk about with men, her wardrobe and her hairstyles, all of that? That's a bit of that double standard."

How true. Women are treated so differently than men! I know where to go for my feminism. Sarah and Hillary have so much in common breaking through that Crystal Cathedral ceiling like Sisters, Sisters, Lord help the mister who comes between me and my sister, caring, sharing every little thing that we are wearing. When a certain gentleman arrived from Rome, she wore the dress and I stayed home...

PRETTY PRETTY?

Sarah Palin's makeup stylist had the biggest salary of all McCain's employees in the first two weeks of October: $22,800.

Maybe she had to style Tina Fey's hair too? You know the McCain campaign loves that Tina Fey shit-- they're making the most ignorant and dangerous woman in the world seem like something you can laugh off!

Photo: Michael Appleton for the New York Times

GREEN DUCK BILLS

Hard to see it all-- but he's got a gun, is drinking a Bud, and his shirt says "Palin for VP : guns, god, and glory". Her shirt says, "Read my lipstick, vote McCain-Palin." Her shoes say, "tip me over and fuck me!"

I saw some McCain supporters across from the Port Authority in Midtown New York the other night at around 7:30. The location seemed perfect-- they were trying to hit the silver-haired set out for their Broadways shows, then they simply had to cross the street for their bus back to Red Neck, New Jersey or Older White Plains, New York. They looked as you'd imagine-- middle-aged women done up like newscasters with their blond bubble hairdos and too much makeup, and young Asian students with snarky faces. There were about 10 of then, which should correspond to the vote tally for McCain-Palin in NYC.

And look at those two up there. Coupl'a grossos from "The Hills." Look how posed he is, holding that beer like a straight guy holding another guy's dick. "Oh, this is-- new." Holding the book like he's Versace holding his fan. Look at her-- you might think she's puckering, but that's her new face. It's the latest surgery, a duck bill added to her equine jaw.

So natural, so in love, so caught off guard! New Republicans, this is your new look-- strike a pose, do everything to pretend you actually like yourself and like your life and like your candidates. Everyone fall in line!

Photo: Pacifac Coast News