BEEHIVE IN SPACE

Scientology wooing Winehouse?

Okay, so the headline says it all-- the Scientology chapter in London gave Amy a call to help pry the pipe from that crack on her face called a mouth. Could it be possible that Tom Cooze will personally see to her rehabilitation? He'll take her aboard his own personal orbiting spaceship (so as to keep paparazzi away-- mosquitoes can't fly to space, can they?), where he has personally helped hundreds of people kick their drug additions. (Note to self; edit above, replace "person" with "alien.")

Oh, Tom-Tom is such a great guy! So selflessly and unbraggartly giving. For, as we learn from the L. Ron Hubbard Scientology Code of Honor, "Don't desire to be liked or admired." Who, Tom? No, not Tom, so shy and retiring, so unshowy when it comes to good deeds. He knows he doesn't need to impress us Earthlings by scooping up little boys getting crushed against the velvet ropes in his red-carpet high-fivin' line; by helping old men off the sidewalk and looking concerned as the shutterbugs snap away.

No, he doesn't need to be showy with his good deeds, he knows his kind acts and accomplishments and great box office receipts are being added to a list and checked off twice to be read aloud at his E-meter roast in the sky when he finally steps through those pearly gates and into the space dock and is greeted, once more and at last, by his admiring creator, L Ron, all raise thy anal probes in obeisance, Earthen pus-sacs. Hail.

EVERYDAY IS ALL HALLOW'S EVE

If I looked like this my father would storm through my apartment with the police, a SWAT team, the RCMP, the Canadian Armed Forces, my mean old red-headed uncle that hates me and force my ass into rehab or at least into a cage where I could be monitored. Doesn't Amy have anyone around her at all? Her father, Mitch, reportedly, was at some event the other day, lounge-singing Frank Sinatra tunes.
Clasp this woman's clavicles and drag her to a hospital. Tie her down. I understand suicide but this is a horror movie.

photo courtesy Wenn

AMY CRACKS THE CODE

"The troubled singer was out and about in Camden when a passer-by grabbed her, seemingly concerned for her health. But Amy lashed out at the middle-aged woman - giving her a hard slap and screaming: "Let f***ing go of me, d***head." As she walked away, Amy carried on shouting at her victim, calling her a "f***ing bitch."

Amy hasn't been seen for a month, holed up in her house in Camden and apparently tanning (she has her own tanning bed), setting the knob to 'gaunt relic bronze with tinge of distressed green'. Is she turning Exorcist-green? I think I see some cryptology surfacing through her mesh top: HELPME666.

photo courtesy Just Jared

STARS ARE JUST LIKE US

They hate themselves, they waste thousands of dollars on vacuous distraction, they need to be taken out of their dreadful lives!

They cut themselves with cheap whores, beat each other bloody, and smoke crack in the can!

They do coke, slit their wrists, and wait for their friends to find them!

WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW--

--is not another 23-year old mother, especially such a talented one. Amy Winehouse has told Rolling Stone:

"I've done a record I'm really proud of and that's about it. I'm a caretaker and I want to enjoy myself and spend time with my husband. Blake and I didn't get to spend any time together for a long time. I don't want to be ungrateful. I know I'm talented, but I wasn't put here to sing. I was put here to be a wife and a mom and look after my family."

We prefer Angelina (as reported in Marie Claire):

Zahara: "I need a cookie, Mommy."

Angelina: "You don't need a cookie."

Zahara: "Yes I do because Daddy will cry if I don't."

This is the woman who called her newborn daughter "a blob." Perhaps if more mothers weren't afraid of speaking their thoughts, and not giving into their children's emotional blackmail, our country wouldn't be full of such emotionally stunted, unsatisfied, self-indulgent monsters.