WE LOVE TO FEEL COCKY ALL DAY LONG

They say black don't crack, but Jesus, Jada looks like she's going to break right up. That's one ropey bitch. Looks like beef jerky.

So, Fox News gave "Hancock" a crappy review, and the blogs seem to be falling over each other to foretell Willy's first July 4th trip-up. But has anyone read the review? You can judge the reviewer's taste for yourself, in that he loved "Independence Day" and "Men in Black." The main criticism-- it's not "family" enough. Imagine, a child says the word "asshole"! Willy doesn't play his normal, smarmy, cocky, robotic, perfect-candidate-for-Scientology-based self, but a drunk who may-or-may-not get involved in adultery! Why, it's perfectly un-American!

Not that anyone cares, but David Denby gives "Handcock" a fantastic review in this week's New Yorker. Most interesting for this Willy Smith-hater-- yes, even before he was associated with the dreaded E-meter-- is the description of Smith's performance:

For the first time in his life, Will Smith doesn't flirt with the audience. He doesn't smile and tease and drawl; he stays in character as a self-hating lonely guy.

Ooh, a Willy-pic where he doesn't show us that shit-eating smile? I'm SO there. I hope it's a big bomb, and everyone slags it like they do Amy Winehouse doing anything. We're very Devil's Advocate (a Charlize reference) at Peep_Hole-- we still want to buy that Scarlett Johansson album, hoping we'll love it!

Photo: AP

GIMME MORE!

MTV Video Music Awards would consider second chance for Spears.

All the stars are aligned for another Britney Spears comeback! Oh Brit, we have been apart too long. As you walk zombie-like through LAX and into waiting cars, be-Ugged and braless, chaperoned by your father keeping you in check, we long for the days you lolled around on stage not even lip synching or pretending to dance, bored with us as we were with you.

The MTV President told the Associated Press, "Everyone deserves a second or third chance, right?"

Why wouldn't they give Brit another shot? The 2007 awards were the most watched in years. If Britney headlined again, even more people would tune in to watch the disaster as it happens.

Plus, by floating the idea now, it gives Britney 2 months to be so nervous she'll gorge on Cheetos, ignore her kids, party so much she can't rehearse, all the while confident she'll get a third chance if she blows this one. Ooh, those MTV execs-- they're playing her like a marionette. She actually just flashed her coochie today in clear anticipation.

MTV should officially declare ridicule as their new focus. They've been doing it for years, anyway. You know, Madonna's too old, Britney's too fat, with Rihanna and Kanye as filler.

Photo courtesy AP

HULK AND HULKIER

If our heroes represent our greatest aspirations, then villains represent our greatest fears. What does it say about us that two of the biggest superhero blockbusters from this summer, Iron Man and the Incredible Hulk, have arch-nemeses who are essentially bigger, better versions of the hero?

Is it latent fears of Asia taking over as the world's superpower? I mean, Japan does take all our technology and makes it better (although usually smaller). Are we perhaps scared that, although we use technology for good, those who would thwart us might use it for evil? Are we talking about the bomb here?

Is it the "size matters" thing? Are we feeling morally small right now? Or is it just about our dicks? No matter how big, there's always someone bigger; there's always a tighter vagina.

Who could make Iron Man limp except bigger Iron Man? Who could deflate the Hulk except Bigger Hulk? Okay, his name is officially "The Abomination," (?), a lame appellation to strike fear into summer popcorn-and-Pepsi-guzzlers, but I guess it's better than the villain in the last Hulk movie, the malevolent "Absorbing Man!"

Whatever happened to ideological enemies? Chaos versus control? Public good versus personal good? From now on, is it going to be the middleweight versus the heavyweight?

What is he peepin' at? Photo courtesy Universal Pictures.

MORE AMERICAN THAN-- ORGIES?

Maybe Pensacolans were searching George Carlin? You know, the 7 words you can't say on tv?

The New York Times has an article about the "Google Defense" -- how the lawyers for an online porn purveyor in Pensacola, Florida are suggesting community standards may be different in the courtroom than in the privacy of the juror's home. According to Google's publicly accessible search data, more residents in Pensacola search for the word "orgy" and "group sex" than "apple pie" or "watermelon." I guess we'll have to re-think what to bring to that July 4th barbecue.

Photo: E. Pablo Kosmicki, AP

GIMME BAMA

Well, it happened. Last night I dreamt that Obama loved me. After months of feeling slighted, maligned, angry, dejected and embarrassed for Hillary, while rejecting the good looks of Obama, trying to resist the onslaught of charm and white shirts I knew was sweeping not only the U.S., but the world-- my psyche has finally given in. Take me Obama... Gimme Shelter, my Othello, in your long, slender, yet somehow working-class arms.

"Bob Dylan. Yo-Yo Ma. Sheryl Crow. Jay-Z. These aren't musical acts in a summer concert series: They're artists featured on Barack Obama's iPod. "I have pretty eclectic tastes," the Democratic presidential contender said in an interview to be published in Friday's issue of Rolling Stone.

That's from Huffingtonpost.com. How is that eclectic? If anything, it's very white, isn't it? I guess Jay-Z counts as black, but I'm not really sure. Obama goes on to say Gimme Shelter is his favourite Rolling Stones song [that's my fave too!!!], and says about Bruce Springsteen:

"Not only do I love Bruce's music, but I just love him as a person... He is a guy who has never lost track of his roots, who knows who he is, who has never put on a front."

Wow, he keeps hammering that point home, doesn't he? The authentic politician, never putting up a front. I think thou doth protest too much, my sexy Moor. But I forgive you-- just please no Sheryl Crow on the turntable while we're making love.

(AP Photo/Rolling Stone)

TELL ME, WHO ARE YOU THIS TIME?

Here's Scarlett as viewed through our Peephole. Watch your back, Scarlett. We see you. We don't tolerate any tweenie idol worship here. Barack is no Jonas Bros--I'm sure his balls have dropped by now. If, instead, we had been outside your door, we might have overheard your squeals of delight upon receiving those loving emails from Barack. Unfortunately, it was all in your head, the same place where the sound of your voice singing Tom Waits is acceptable.

She recently told Politico, "You'd imagine that someone like the senator who is constantly traveling and constantly 'on' - how can he return these personal emails? But he does, and in his off-time I know he also calls people who have donated the minimum to thank them." Well, Barack 'threw her under the bus' (as politicos love to say these days):

Speaking to reporters aboard his campaign plane, Obama said the actress doesn't have his personal email address. "She sent one email to Reggie, who forwarded it to me," Obama said, referring to his 26-year-old personal assistant, Reggie Love. "I write saying, 'thank you Scarlett for doing what you do,' and suddenly we have this email relationship."

Ouch. I think Michelle has something to do with this. Scarlett looms large above the Soon-Yi/Woody marital bed-- you know Michelle doesn't want any competition in that arena. And what is that thing Scarlett does anyway? Is it this? --


Come on, don't be mad, turn around...I'm sorry I said that. We DO have an email relationship. We DO!

[photos courtesy ATCO Records and the film Lost in Translation]

ALL GUSSIED UP

Here's this year's winner of the World's Ugliest Dog, Gus, who's missing one eye and one leg. Well, I don't see how he's ugly-- he just looks like a shaved britbrit that's winking at me. I think he's cute. You think he's ugly? I'll show you ugly. Follow me, I'll show you my britbrit.

His owner, Jeanenne Teed, brought Gus all the way from St. Petersburg, Fla., to compete for the dubious distinction. After the excitement of the moment, Teed characterized her dog's reaction: "Well, I think right now he's ready for a nap."

Organisers said winners were often animals that had been abandoned or neglected before being adopted by people who love dogs. His owners plan to use their prize money to pay for Gus to have cancer treatment.

Sam, last year's winner, is gone now. Sorry Gus, but Sam will always be the winner in my eyes. I hate to choose one ugly over another, but it's a distinction that only I have the right to decide.

DIDN'T TAKE LONG

--for other columnists to jump onto the "Barack's showing courage" by forgoing public financing (and going against his own promise) -- Maureen Dowd notes in Wednesday's column that--

Rove and Co. are nervous because they see that Obama, in rejecting public financing, is not going to be a chump, like some past Democratic candidates.

Wow. Once again, Obama gets a free pass. Any other politician would be excoriated for abandoning campaign reform, his signature issue; but here Obama's showing he's not a "chump" by abandoning his principles. He'll do anything to get elected, it seems; but the pundits want him elected so badly they don't seem to care.

Photo courtesy New York Times

AMERICAN CRAPPAREL

How soon until American Apparel goes the way of the Gap and Benneton, with massive store closings and a scaling back of worldwide proportions? Just how many flimsy cotton shirts can people buy, anyway? Soon there'll be more light peach wrinkly polos with buckled seams than people in the world. When we start getting pictures in National Geographic of Zulus wearing shiny metallic tights, we know we've reached the saturation point.

Plus, why are all the ladies in their ads like this chick up there, a hot, sexy-assed bitch, whereas the guys are from the bug-people race? You know, skinny, sallow, slack-faced and hollow-chested. If they want to get homos in all those stores, they'll need to have a Guess revolution-- you know, no more Harry Dean Stanton, more nameless sexy fuckboys.

Photo courtesy American Apparel

BALL BREAKER

What a surprise. New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd has been reviewed by Media Matters for America who found that throughout the 2007-2008 campaign season, Dowd did what she did best, "played with gender roles," consistently referring to Hillary Clinton in masculine terms, while feminizing Clinton's opponents, Senator Edwards, and especially Senator Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee. In contrast, Dowd left the Republican field untouched, although she did refer to presumptive Republican nominee John McCain as "a tough guy."

But if Clinton had won the nomination, perhaps McCain, too, would have been reduced to a girly-man. Dowd only called Edwards and Obama "sister" and "girl" in contrast to Hillary, because, unlike Dowd herself, Hillary doesn't purse her lips and shake her hair in front of her eyes like a sexy pussycat; therefore, Hillary must be a man, so much so that any man is reduced to a girl in comparison.

Dowd suggests she's "twisting gender stereotypes," but really, it's the same old stereotype to call a ambitious woman a "man," and an anti-war Democrat a "girl." Dowd seems to have lost steam since Clinton dropped out of the race; maybe she'll have to start playing with racial stereotypes to maintain her "transgressive" edge.

Photo courtesy Gawker

DAVID CROOKS

The most emailed article from the New York Times yesterday was The Two Obamas, detailing the idealism Obama extols against the pragmatism he enacts. Specifically, campaign finance reform, which he effectively crapped on when he reneged on his promise to agree to public financing for the federal election if John McCain agreed to the same. If my brief reading of the government's brochure on Public Financing is correct, this would limit spending in the general election to $10 million ($200,000 per state). As we already know, Obama has superseded even the formidable Clintons when it comes to raising funds, and will surely raise capital many times over the 10 minllion mark.

The Brooks article is somewhat bizarre. Brooks notes of the numerous flipsflops Obama has already made, calling him a "Fast Eddie" who throws his promises under the truck when it's expedient, remarking on the ease with which Obama has sold out "the primary cause of his political life" --and then goes on to maintain this type of political savvy will be necessary to negotiate with other corrupt leaders like Putin.

The question-- if Hillary was excoriated because of her "dirty tricks" and political expediences, why is Obama given a free ride by Brooks? Will other editorialists do the same, admiring the new, harder tone that belies the perception of Obama as "Carter-lite?" Are the expediencies palatable if they're balanced by words of hope?

Photo courtesy New York Times

EXCLUSIVE PORTISHEAD BONUS TRACK

Anyone catch the new Portishead bonus track? It's called "Left," and here's a sample of the lyrics:

I'm so depressed--
Clinically diagnosed, unhappiness
I can't live with myself--
--or you.
There's nothing left to do.

The track is available free when you purchase the album through lexapro.com

I like the new album, but I'm wondering if it will share the fate of the first two-- new, fun, different sounding, and slightly grating, a slightness that will become, in time, overwhelming. There something about the sound, especially of the first album, that sounds so smooth and overproduced and dated, as though they were aping an Esquivel album. I mostly play "shuffle" on my ipod (note: this is the exclusive practice of the author alone, and not the official standpoint of Peephole), and whenever one of those early Portishead songs was played, it just sounded-- wrong. Like, oh, that was then, this is now! We're so over that!

Hopefully, this new Album, simply called "3," will provide enough good listening before it's relegated to "skip." And don't forget to look for that bonus track!

Photo by Chris Buck