WE LOVE TO FEEL COCKY ALL DAY LONG

They say black don't crack, but Jesus, Jada looks like she's going to break right up. That's one ropey bitch. Looks like beef jerky.

So, Fox News gave "Hancock" a crappy review, and the blogs seem to be falling over each other to foretell Willy's first July 4th trip-up. But has anyone read the review? You can judge the reviewer's taste for yourself, in that he loved "Independence Day" and "Men in Black." The main criticism-- it's not "family" enough. Imagine, a child says the word "asshole"! Willy doesn't play his normal, smarmy, cocky, robotic, perfect-candidate-for-Scientology-based self, but a drunk who may-or-may-not get involved in adultery! Why, it's perfectly un-American!

Not that anyone cares, but David Denby gives "Handcock" a fantastic review in this week's New Yorker. Most interesting for this Willy Smith-hater-- yes, even before he was associated with the dreaded E-meter-- is the description of Smith's performance:

For the first time in his life, Will Smith doesn't flirt with the audience. He doesn't smile and tease and drawl; he stays in character as a self-hating lonely guy.

Ooh, a Willy-pic where he doesn't show us that shit-eating smile? I'm SO there. I hope it's a big bomb, and everyone slags it like they do Amy Winehouse doing anything. We're very Devil's Advocate (a Charlize reference) at Peep_Hole-- we still want to buy that Scarlett Johansson album, hoping we'll love it!

Photo: AP

I KISSED A BOY

"It was like, have you ever had warm apple pie with cold ice cream, too? Not too many men can say [they had] a nice big lip lock with Steve Carell. The length I go, the committed actor. Jake Gyllenhaal did it. Will Smith did it. I thought it was my turn to kiss a man."

Will Smith? Don't remember that. "Don't kiss no man," Denzel told him, and he took that advice like Star Jones promptly filling a prescription after a visit to Dr. Cookie. Oh, wait, maybe Rock was thinking of Jada-Pinkett. Yeah, I was confused when I saw those biceps heading into the little girl's room, too.

And don't forget Ashton Kutcher. Not content to saliba-swap with Seann William Scott, the Kutcher's Wife does go home every night to one of Hollywood's former leading men, Demi Moore. Deep, deep lingual-lapping, which is why Demi's so horse I mean hoarse all the time.

Picture courtesy Warner Bros. Pictures