Wednesday, August 27, 2008

TANGERINE DREAMS



Let the backlash begin. Everyone loved her last night. How's Maureen Dowd this morning, a little cranky?

Here's Andrew Sullivan:

"She started out a little dull and a little self-obsessed. But then she rallied - a little. "No Way. No How. No McCain" was a good line. And the Twin Cities analogy was a great little riff on Bush and McCain. But I have to say her speaking style, although much improved over even a year ago, is still a little flat. When she's passionate, she has little inflection. When she's quieter, she's a little drony. The "keep going" theme, moreover, was a little unnerving. A thinly veiled threat?"

Well if that was a threat it wasn't very 'thinly veiled'. And what sort of threat is that exactly? That she has a rifle in her pants? Well she does but not a real one.

Sullivan has nothing more to say though, "But actually, I don't have much more to say."

Except this: "The response on television from the crowd seems to have been everything Obama would have wanted. To my mind, however, it was an average performance, not a slashing attack on the Bush-Cheney record, nor a rousing rallying cry for Obama, nor a very insightful analysis of the country's problems. There was virtually nothing about foreign policy. She did what she had to do, tell her voters to back Obama. But she gave nothing more."

What a little bitch he is, what is she supposed to bleed all over the convention floor?

"So far, only Michelle Obama has rescued this convention from being dreary and distracted."


I agree it's been dreary, but isn't everything before the Messiah comes?

Monday, August 25, 2008

I AM HARVEY

Sean Penn sodomizing Harvey Milk in an upcoming biopic.

photo: Us Magazine

COLDPOO OF THE DAY




Whenever he sings, "That was when I ruled the world," my mind sings, "That was when I was a girl." Why is that? Stop enunciating your lyrics at me! I hear them, I hear them!!

SINEWY & SCARY & STICKY & STUPID TOUR


Her vagina must be so hot! Here's Madonna airing it out in Wales, kicking off her tour in several tight muscleman poses. During the song, "Get Stupid", she flashed images that have 'outraged' the McCain camp.

Per Huffington Post:

"As Madonna kicked off her international "Sticky and Sweet" tour Saturday night, she took a none-too subtle swipe at the presumptive Republican nominee for U.S. president.

Amid a four-act show at Cardiff's packed Millennium Stadium, a video interlude carried images of destruction, global warming, Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler, Zimbabwe's authoritarian President Robert Mugabe _ and U.S. Senator John McCain. Another sequence, shown later, pictured slain Beatle John Lennon, followed by climate activist Al Gore, Mahatma Gandhi and finally McCain's Democratic rival Barack Obama."

So, according to Yahoo News,the McCain camp is fighting back, I guess, in an old-timer-sort of way:

"The comparisons are outrageous, unacceptable and crudely divisive all at the same time," Bounds said in a statement reported by Fox News. "It clearly shows that when it comes to supporting Barack Obama, his fellow worldwide celebrities refuse to consider any smear or attack off limits."

That's true but then they added: 'Get off my lawn, you you you little bastards!'

Just joshin'.

Will Madonna ever give up Marlene Dietrich? Sorry, but Madonna trying to be controversial at this point is just sadness. Steroid sadness.

MORE NAKED DRAMA

According to the Belleville Intelligencer:

"Robertson's plane went down in the woods north of Bancroft early Sunday afternoon. "Everyone is fine and that is the important thing," said Adam Smith, a spokesman for the band. "That's all the comment we have at this time."

A police spokesperson added a few more details.

They say, "At 12:30 p.m. a Cessna 206 was taking off from Baptiste Lake, lost airspeed and entered a wooded area west of the lake." He said the plane was totaled but all four adults managed to walk out of the woods and soon reported the crash."

Whew! Now if Steven Page has the same kind of luck regarding his upcoming court date, Canada will be carefully tactful (with a grain of salty cynicism) and genteel once again.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

AHHHH!!



Dick extrodinaire, Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder. Scary bitch.

NOTE: Sorry, video is gone. Knew the fat Hollywood bastards would get rid of it. You're going to have to pay to see that shit, but be sure and swipe a dollar from the Children's Charity collection box on the counter, because you should get money back from having to watch that monkey bitch.

MIDNIGHT ASSWIPE

Jon Voight responds to Roseanne's blog---a surprisingly sharp take on everything, read it here if you haven't.

So, as per Just Jared, Jon Voight responds, missing the mark, offensive as usual:

"We can never be surprised at what vile evil comes from the mouth of a confessed victim of child abuse at the hands of her own parents. Her parents responded to the accusation by going on the air and slating she is a psychopathic liar and her sister agreed. Her defaming of our National Anthem in 1990 gave us insight into who she is and what she is capable of saying and doing. My allegiance to Senator McCain becomes stronger with any assault that tries to deter my loyalty to him. I can only pray that good people see her for what she is (sick of mind)."

So which is it? Is she a victim of child abuse, accounting for the 'vile evil' coming from her mouth, or is she a psychopathic liar? And he just blindly supports McCain, any assault making him more loyal? Is McCain his wife or a political candidate? And didn't he support Guiliani at the start of the race?

Now, Voight is very good at calling out women who are 'sick of mind'. Causing the rift that still exists between himself and his daughter. Years ago, after speaking to the press, revealing private details, Jolie legally changed her name to "Angelina Jolie". Voight had claimed that his daughter has "serious emotional problems" on Access Hollywood.

Voight/Jolie photo: PopSugar

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

THE ONE-EYED DOG IS QUEEN

Selma Blair is hot and she has a one-eyed dog.
And a hot boyfriend, Matthew Felker, who's a 'writer' and a
model-actor who kisses Britney Spears in her "Toxic" video:

He doesn't look contaminated at all.


Thanks to People and Hollywood Grind

BLACK LIKE ME

Is that what Jen had to look at in bed? Ick. John Mayer, who Jennifer Aniston just dumped. Or he dumped. Whatever. Conflicting stories. Does she know what he said in Rolling Stone?:

"Everyone thinks Brad Pitt has it great because he married Angelina Jolie. I think he has it terrible, because when Angelina Jolie is giving you a blow job, what do you tip your head back and think of to help you finish? You have nothing left — just Jesus on a polar bear in the middle of the snow, saying, 'You greedy motherfucker, I've got nothing for you.'"

Oh he's so funny. Is anyone tipping their head back thinking of friendly Jennifer Aniston? Maybe this is what sealed the deal:

"I'm not worried about how small my penis is — I'm worried about how dark it is. I have a Dominican penis. My penis hit six home runs last year; my penis wears shoes without socks."

Mayer as Borat photo: Ask a Gay Man

LINGERING


Obama's set to announce his Veep pick this Wednesday, and Patrick Healy revives (even as a longshot) the long-dead hopes Hillary might be the choice.

Okay, so it's probably going to be one of two B's-- Joe Biden (he of the impeccable credentials and pecked-at hair plugs), or Evan Bayh (he of-- what? Indiana. He can deliver Indiana!). But even the idea of Hillary once again part of the race, bringing some depth and fire to the tediousness of Obama-McCain-- and not that I want it, girl is all set for '12 or even '16-- I'm so hungry for someone real and compelling, I would get down on my knees and suck Obama's purple lipstick, and even the pulsating, vascular sausage of Michelle, should they deign to recognize the rest of us not blinded (and now aghast) at the empty rhetoric and limp-wristed responses of Camp Obama.

Monday, August 18, 2008

DON'T DROP THE SOAP


"Yes, Dan Radcliffe does have dyspraxia. This is something he has never hidden. Thankfully his condition is very mild and at worst manifests itself in an inability to tie his shoelaces and bad handwriting.
I guess he could always cast a spell to retrieve the soap, and spare the audience a peep at his hairy pooper. He saves that for his Chamberpot of Secretions.

HEARTBREAK PRESCRIPTION FROM DR. COOKIE



Big Hair? What about big butt? What the hell happened to Alanis?

Jesus Christ, girl must really be in the dumps after breaking up with Ryan Reynolds-- either that, or she's so pissed at him she threw out all her Reynolds Wrap, and now insists on finishing everything on her plate. No leftovers for Alanis! She'll finish everything on your plate too.

Watch out, Ryan, your day of infamy is coming, like Dave Coulier's in "You Ought'a Know." It's the Alanis curse-- she writes an angry, bitter litany of your faults, and the song goes on the great fame, while your fame diminishes! Diminishing returns!

Look out for Alanis' new hip-hop/pop cross-over hit (sung at the piano, of course), "Reynolds Rap."

OUCH!


WHICH hunk in a summer movie is a violent, closeted homosexual? The heartthrob snuck into his ex's apartment a few months ago and raped him so violently, the ex ended up in the hospital - and the actor paid him $500,000 to keep his mouth shut (Page Six)

I'm thinking it's Robert Downey Jr. He already said he wanted to fuck Batman, or something. Besides, he's been in prison. "ex" means "ex-cellmate." Together, they rigged up an iron condom, and Bob was just paying for his share of the patent license and testing it out. They just gotta do something about those sharp edges.

Above, he's showing off his new "fisting condom." With handy searchlight, for that unmistakable inner glow. What's his secret? Only the boys of cellblock 8 know for sure!

via dlisted

FATTY FATTY 2 X 4


At least a 2 X 4 has a purpose. Now that Jennifer Love Hewitt has lost-- how many pounds? --are producers knocking down her door to sign her up for projects? ie, would anyone want to fuck that skinny bitch?

She looked better in the "before" slot.
(But Jesus Christ, does she have to wear those gaucho shorts?) "Before," she wasn't trying so hard. And we all know, no matter how hard she tries, she could never be a wanted commodity.

Photo courtesy Us Magazine


Sunday, August 17, 2008

ALL ANUS



Doesn't she look like Juliette Lewis up there? The look of the early 90's.

While we're on the subject of Alanis, here's another video from back in the day, which features none other than Matt LeBlanc, aka Joey from Friends.

Seems like JoeyMatt had a career before Friends (if not after), as he was, famously (to the gays), also featured on the cover of Spartacus around the same time as this video. I mean, come on, Spartacus? Even Esther's sister knows what that mag's about. Tony Curtis giving sponge baths to Kirk Douglas in his teeny-weeny-itsy-bitsies.

YOU SHOULD'A KNOWN


I've been obsessed with Alanis Morissette since I saw the video for "Never Too Hot!" on MuchMusic back in the early 90's. What was it about Alanis that struck a chor
d? Maybe because she looked like the girl at school who looked like she should've been in secretarial school? (Maybe I should've, too?) The girl who crawled up my leg at a Classics Department Association party (Hey! I was lonely!) saying, "I'd really love to give you a blow job." Wait, maybe it was Alanis! She famously went down on her mystery paramour in a theatre-- so fancy, the way she sang "theatre" -- "thee-a-tar" --evoking Shakespeare's Globe Theatre, but since it was LA, I always imagine it was Grauman's Chinese.

Well, maybe Alanis should've made like Carly Simon, never revealing
the identity of the man behind her most famous song. Then again, we all know (or at least think we know) that "You're So Vain" is either about Mick Jagger or Warren Beatty, who are still cooler than the man behind "You Ought'a Know," which has been revealed, and the world has sighed a collective "who?" --to learn it's Dave Coulier, one of the other guys who was not John Stamos or Bob Sagat or one of the Olsen Twins on "Full House."

Such strum and drang over a guy who looks like Jeff Daniels? Whose features seem to have shrunk into the middle of his face? Well, I guess even secretaries have dreams, as limited as they are.


Photo: Us Magazine

Saturday, August 16, 2008

BLAST FROM THE ASS


The AROMA of EXCREMENT--

The RIMMING of ATTRACTION--

It's the smell of dirty underwear on just-washed skin-- Jlow.

It's a daub of vanilla in the buttcrack after an hour of Pilates-- Jlow.

When his eyes lock with yours, and he strides across the room to ask, "what's that smell?" --you know that's Jlow

50 at 25

Video Response!

BLAST FROM THE PAST (AND PRESENT) OF THE DAY

AMY CRACKS THE CODE


"The troubled singer was out and about in Camden when a passer-by grabbed her, seemingly concerned for her health. But Amy lashed out at the middle-aged woman - giving her a hard slap and screaming: "Let f***ing go of me, d***head." As she walked away, Amy carried on shouting at her victim, calling her a "f***ing bitch."

Amy hasn't been seen for a month, holed up in her house in Camden and apparently tanning (she has her own tanning bed), setting the knob to 'gaunt relic bronze with tinge of distressed green'. Is she turning Exorcist-green? I think I see some cryptology surfacing through her mesh top: HELPME666.


photo courtesy Just Jared

MY DONUT HOLE TURNS 50


Looks about right.

DADDY YOU ARE NOT GAY SO SLEEP WITH MOMMY NOW--USE MY BLANKIE

According to Just Jared:

'One insider tells E! that Suri is the one that wears the pants in the family: “If Suri doesn’t like Katie’s shoes, she’ll take them off. Tom, too. He does whatever Suri wants. He defers to her on everything.”'

That's Suri Cruise in Pucci, still drinking out of a bottle at age 2 and ruling the world.

Friday, August 15, 2008

KROOL AID

Oh, that Bonnie Fuller, with her perfect little family life, her house in Westchester or Connecticut or somewhere Stepford-y, her rigorous and religious morning workouts! How surprising it wasn't Ann Coulter to first turn against Elizabeth Edwards, as Liz Smith posited in her column today, but Canada's own bonnie wee Bonnie!

Writing in the Huffington Post-- which doesn't pay its contributers, quite a comedown! Bonnie suggests Elizabeth was so invested in her husband's ambitions, she drank her husband's Kool Aid and took them on as her own, becoming a veritable Lady MacBeth, urging her husband to become president even while knowing of his affair. Not only is she delusional, Bonnie says, but she's just as much to blame. So even though it should be a private matter-- Edwards isn't in public life anymore-- Elizabeth asking for privacy is totally hypocritical. Elizabeth asked for it!

Bonnie uses pop psychological evidence from the distinguished Dr. Zdrok (Dr. 'Z' to you-- and just like Bonnie, probably trying to get notoriety/book deal/ new web venture publicity). Dr. Z says:

"When we seek death, we often seek to achieve a symbolic immortality. And becoming a presidential wife could have been that for her."
Jesus, so Elizabeth is seeking death now? She basically asked for cancer, attempting to get sympathy votes so her husband would succeed? The woman's a monster!

I'm sure it was just a Zdrokian slip, but it recalls the comments Ann Coulter made back when Edwards was still in the race-- Coulter said Edwards should have a bumpersticker that says, "ask me about my dead son." The Edwards' 16 year-old was killed in an auto accident, and Coulter suggested he was exploiting that tragedy for political gain. When Elizabeth asked Coulter to stop, skinny-assed Annie just laughed it off.

When we face death, we need to achieve immortality? Oh, yeah, that's the cynics psychology. You could also say a person close to death could be thinking of things other than all the crap we worry about in our stupid little lives, getting a bigger picture, and maybe thinking of some good they can do. But I guess that doens't sell nasty little books, like "Dr. Z on Straying," which must have a whole chapter on the wife's guilt in her husband's infidelity.

SEXY IMPUDENCE OF THE DAY



Obviously this video is biased (and 'in translation'), and I don't really know anything about it, however, it's the only one I could find where you really see Ara Abrahamian in his sexy glory. He is a Swedish Wrestler that threw a bit of a fit yesterday, claiming the judges were politically motivated (what else is new?) and then dropped his bronze medal and walked out of the awards ceremony. Excellent!

If he is Armenian, as his name suggests, I am proud of his sore sourness (what Armenians should ceaselessly be displaying in general), and wouldn't mind a taste of that piping pro wrestling myself! He should have just grabbed that laughing judge in a headlock and engaged in a little waged war on his balls.

PENIS HEAD

I think that what we have to do is consider changing the thrust of this blog to just a probe, a light fingering, slow digit insertion, concentrated deep stroking, then eventual paroxysm of pleasure in Tommy Cruise's damaged ego and psyche. Or mine. I want him to fail. Or at least be stripped bare then unfurled, so to speak. And when he is, I am happy.

Reading Dana Stevens' review of Tropic Thunder in Slate, I nearly had my own kind of 'O' jumping on my own couch. She writes:

Robert Downey Jr. knocking a role like this out of the park is no surprise. But who could have foreseen Tom Cruise nearly stealing the movie in a fat suit, a prosthetic nose, a skinhead wig, and an Austin Powers-style mat of chest fur? Cruise is always at his best when he's skewering some unpleasant aspect of his own persona; thus, the crazed motivational speaker he played in Magnolia was a career high point, and the supremely crude Les Grossman is another. Maybe as the head of United Artists, Cruise really does spew vicious obscenities on the phone and engage in triumphant hip-hop dances in an underground bunker of an office. At any rate, never has a role so cannily taken advantage of Cruise's compact, thumblike body shape—that is, his physical resemblance to a penis. As Les Grossman, he's a literal and figurative dick, and it's the role of a lifetime.

I'm not happy with her suggesting that he's hit anything out of any park, however, I will take the rest.

It's his only defense now. That's what narcissists do, trust me, I know. Assholes. When everything starts crumbling around them, everyone sees through them, sees the flimsy social constructs they've constructed, they make a last ditch effort to win back your love, even if it means self-parody, self-assault. He is a bully of Thetan proportions.

He is a Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick.

photo courtesy: Media.Movieweb.com

SMELLY

What's that smell?

You know I really don't want to be one of those evil bloggers that say things like this because I'm no beauty queen [!!], but my Lordy there is Something About Eva that makes me wanna barf. She looks like she smells.

There are other smelly beauties in Hollywood, for sure---Cameron Diaz, Katherine Heigl, Lindsay Lohan, Julia Roberts, all the girls from The Hills [but mostly that's eau de slut], and even Charlize Theron, Amazon perfect blonde, smells sometimes. But Eva is special. I have a special little place in my nose just for her.

For Eva, makeup is actually a team of microscopic [with minerals!] photoshopping men sitting on her face torturous-ly touching her up as she just goes about her desperate day. Except for in the picture above, that was probably taken during the Makeup Artists' strike. Those guys are not paid enough.


photo courtesy Usmagazine

Thursday, August 14, 2008

PORN GENIUS

The Globe & Mail (Canada's National Newspaper) is reporting today that a Colorado man was arrested for posing as a 'porn inspector'.

Drew Libby, 33, pretended to be a police detective and 'told employees at an adult novelty shop to give him free videos so he could check them for underage participants'.

So I'm wondering, what happened to my supply of underage dildos he said he'd pick up? I think they were stamped "made in China," so maybe they got sent back? Everything's underage in China.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

KOOKOO BANANAS, THE PREQUEL



Okay, so the Scientology video of Tom "Cruised-me-in-the-men's-room" is definitely high on the kookoo-meter, but we all know his career freefall started well before that. I can't stop watching this video because it so perfectly epitomizes a time, a place, the forces of phony good against the forces of bad phoniness.

If only those two had canceled each other out, Crash would not ha
ve won best picture, Hillary would be the nominee, and poor Katie wouldn't have to keep changing her hairdo to deal with her depression at having kissed a prince that became the evil muppet troll-frog.

NOTHING NEW


Oh, that sexy little Maureen Dowd. Ever the femme fatale, she loves intrigue and dark-alley dealings so much, then lambastes her hated enemies for employing the same techniques. Is it because Hillary hasn't done as Maureen has done, embraced her inner vamp? If Hillary wore a fedora pulled down over one eye, a cigarette dangling from her ruby-red lips spotlit by a nearby lampost, would she instead be celebrated? Sorry, Hills, rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty just isn't sexy.

Maureen's latest column (a constant source of pun-ditry if I ever saw it-- oh, a pun!) is about that ever-present rumour of the Clintons hijacking the Democratic convention, persuading the delegates to cast a protest vote for Clinton instead of Obama. It's doubtful Hillary could become the nominee, but it would so hamstring and demoralize the Democrats that McCain would win, setting Hillary up to compete against Mitt Romney in 2012. Veep Romney will have become president after McCain's living rigor mortis has reached an advanced stage, his lips peeled back to reveal his tiny little yellow teeth set in an eternal smile. See? It's already happening.

There's nothing else to write about, so why not the Clintons? Obama and McCain are so lacking in vim and vigour, we need to evoke the spectre of Clintonism to get the pundit's hearts pounding. There's also the backward glance, the "what went wrong?" eviscerations, like this one in the Atlantic. Emails and notes from the Clinton campaign have been released, revealing-- what we already knew. The bickering, the overspending, the inability of Clinton to make hard, fast decisions-- it's already been done. Still, it's fun to look through the timeline and realize, shit, the Clinton camp knew this a long time ago, and still they let it happen.

Of course, if Clinton had won, disarray and overspending would have been seen as a winning strategy. It's the particular curse of the favourite to be labeled self-defeating when she doesn't win. What I don't understand-- how do decision about commercials and states to caucus show one's preparation for being president? It's a winning strategy for a popularity contest, but preparation for commander-in-chief? As far as I know, the President doesn't sit around producing commercials about his merits. And sure, she overspent-- but what president doesn't leave office with a deficit? Clinton's husband, for one-- and although there's evidence she'd be less thrifty than Bill, anything would be better than the current overseer of the congressional money pit.

I can't remember-- did Bush ever veto a single spending bill? Did he ever veto anything? Talk about inability to make hard decisions.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

THE JANIS IAN OF CHINA

Oh Lord, this is a sadness I know too well.

Ever since I drew the longer straw and won the role of Snow White in my Christmas pageant [we were a post-modern kind of school, with our Ackeresque rewriting of female roles at Xmas] instead of my best friend, the more palatable Doris, and watched the faces of all my grade 8 class drop in sheer horror. And
then overheard my teacher mutter under her breath, 'Elephant' in the wings as my [why???] skinny ass exited the stage and ran to make what was supposed to be a hilarious re-exit on stage right, I know the Janis Ian heartbreak of being the ugly girl.

I didn't watch the Chinese Olympics opening and missed the ethereal beauty of the little girl on the left belt her cookie-cutter heart out, because frankly I wasn't interested, and plus I was busy drinking my elephantine pain away on a patio. But now I'm interested.

According the The Huffington Post:

"A 7-year-old Chinese girl was not good-looking enough for the Olympics opening ceremony, so another little girl with a pixie smile lip-synched "Ode to the Motherland," a ceremony official said -- the latest example of the lengths Beijing took for a perfect start to the Summer Games. . .'The audience will understand that it's in the national interest, Chen said in a video of the interview posted online Sunday night. The national interest requires that the girl should have good looks and a good grasp of the song and look good on screen, Chen said. "Lin Miaoke was the best in this. And Yang Peiyi's voice was the most outstanding."

How can a lip-syncing little bitch have a better grasp of a song than the actual singer of the song? God. The indignity!

So, in the age-old, sorrowful song of the plucky ugly girl that bravely faces her first realization of the how the real world operates in all the classes in all the schools in apparently all the world:

"I am proud to have been chosen to sing at all."

Thanks to The Huffington Post

BLAST FROM THE PAST OF THE DAY





Before extensions and weaves and all the fake crapola---that's real hair, baby!

THE MOLARS WILL BE TELEVISED


I hate to be such a downer. . .hahahahah. . .however, Michael Phelps scares me. And I mean besides his sinewy, deranged torso, the fact that you can see all his teeth all the way back to his molars when he smiles, and his single-minded American ability to win win win.

Is he Telly from Kids by Larry Clark? Remember that movie!!??? I've not been able to look at a sputtering nasal geekoid in the same way.

Here's Michael Phelps/Leo Fitzpatrick spreading his disease around:


Put your 400m disease in meee, Michael.

BITE THE WEINER I MEAN WINNER

That's not wallpaper, that's cover your balls-paper.

We know she's going to vote for McCain. He adopted a baby from Bangladesh, which is right on the border of Zamboobia, where Angelina does all her baby-shopping (at least her first). McCain's got Madonna's vote as well. And A-Rod's, A-Rod's wife, Lenny Kravtiz', Roxie Roker's, Mr. Bentley's-- McCain will win the election by 6 degrees of separation!

NO, ENDORSE ME!!!

Wilshire & Washington reports that both Obama and McCain have reached out to Angelina for an endorsement. But she has not made up her sexy ass yet:

"I have not decided on a candidate. I am waiting to see the commitments they will make on issues like international justice, refugees and how to address the needs of children in crisis around the world."

Actually I never hear any of the candidates talk about any of that stuff, so I don't know what she's waiting for. I heard that she'd contributed to the Edwards sex campaign. Now, that's her kind of man! Too bad he's out. But hey, McCain, things are looking up for you, you left your kids and crippled wife for a fresh new heiress.

Angelina loves that! Ooooo, she's such an evil homewrecker!

BREAKING NEWS!!! NEW RIELLE HUNTER MOTION PICTURE

I was thinking about what a cinematic genius Reille Hunter is---she puts Godard and Bresson to shame and just then I uncovered this, one of her early silent films. It's derivative, a little Chaplinesque, but every young artist starts by imitation.

No, really it's just a wedding bloopers movie. But maybe she was the Edwards wedding videographer. Her masterful camera eye trained on Elizabeth, plotting her film noir downfall.

I know I'd hire her in a second! My threesome wedding with Mark and Samantha will be a psychosexual cinema verite Cassavetes masterpiece.


MY BF MARK, MY GF SAMANTHA, AND MY BRAND NEW BFF CHARLOTTE

Harper's Bazaar this month has an editorial story on the new Glass family, the Ronsons. They're dressed up as the Royal Tenenbaums. That's Charlotte Ronson at the right in Luke Wilson's role. She's a clothing designer. The family is a bunch of rich, good-looking, artistic fuckers that melts my loser-heart, just like the Glass' did.

Read the article. And if you don't know who the Glass' are, read that too. Actually it's too late. Forget it.

Another pic:

And here's another where Mark is really glaring his dickishness at me and Sam is plucking my vagina-strings playing a cozy little lezzy kunstlied [look it up]:


Thanks to harpersbazaar.com

TASTE THE SALTY BANANAS

I can't stop watching this video of Tommy Cruise ending his career by being the kookoo banana he is---listen to that endless guitar loopy new age music, his murderous laughter, it sticks in my head forever. Mind control!

Angelina Jolie just replaced Tom Cruise in the espionage thriller, Edward A. Salt.
According to Variety: Angie is “the rare female who is viable in an action genre that has been almost the exclusive domain of men.”

Not saying much for Tom. Replaced by a taller woman again. He wanted 20 million and they wouldn't pay up.

According to Just Jared, "Jolie would play the title character, a CIA officer who’s accused by a defector of being a Russian sleeper spy and must elude capture long enough to establish her innocence. Edwin A. Salt will rewritten by the movie studios and will undergo a title change, obviously."

Boooooring!

Now that Tommy has hit the comedy circuit in the Stiller movie, Tropic Thunder (where hot Robert Downey Jr. is BLACK which is causing a lot of controversy for that reason and the mentally disabled audience who will watch it), playing some fat Hollywood exec, I guess we can look forward to him trying to get into the next Apatow or Wes Anderson movie.

Watching Tom Cruise try hard is the story of his career and now he's trying to be funny? I can't watch this. Please. Stop him. Someone stop him. If only he'd been diagnosed as a child with a pituitary gland tumour, grown into a giant, had it removed, crushed his bully father, come out, never gone to Hollywood, took his sphincter-tight grin into gay porno.

He should have at least stopped after Magnolia.

Thanks to JustJared.com

WITHOUT TCHYOO

Look below but don't use your eyes, they'll burn. That's Tori Spelling and her loser Canadian husband in some promo or video for some stupid reality show. Give me OXYGEN! Oh, God, he's Kurt! We have to watch this??? It's so depressing. Did Rielle Hunter shoot this video too? And how much hush money did she score this time?

I think that whatever I say is not enough to really capture the ugliness. I don't get it. So, that song is so representative of comedy/TV/rock couples of the past? He says, Tchyoo and she says, Yoo.

I HATE when men sing in that soft way. Makes me wanna puke all over them, those homophobic types with the too long nails [can't touch me downthere with those, I'm very deliCATE], the ones that spend too much time with their girlfriends/wives and lose their balls and start gossiping and watching soap operas because they have no male friends anymore to hang out with. I'd rather be with a dick who's screwing Rielle behind my fat ass, fat in remission, but fat nonetheless.

Okay, I lie. Not in remission. Full blown, sad to say.


What am I talking about again? Oh! Tori and Dean! True love!


Monday, August 11, 2008

THE DRUCK REPORT


Still can't get my youtube links to work, so you'll have to click here to view one of Rielle Hunter's videos she produced for the Edwards campaign. The former Lisa Druck was paid $100,000+, got a free trip to Africa, and got to sleep with the boss and the aide. Oh, and one free baby!

The videos-- amateurish, boring, self-indulgent-- the criticims have already been levied. Still, there are some funny bits (at Edwards' expense-- hey, he's paying all the bills!). Edwards criticizes the board of Walmart for being "multi-millionaires," then quickly corrects himself-- "not that there's anything wrong with
that."

The second cutest guy in the room, Josh, of indeterminate employment, wonders how to fill out "job description" on his visa to China. Since he's always sitting next to Edwards, he suggests "travel companion," then "bitch," both of which are rejected by John. He's already got his travel companion/bitch, and she's holding the camera!

Edwards then relays an anecdote about his 6-year old, who says getting tennis shoes from WalMart is bad. Daddy says the kid doesn't like WalMart because of the way they treat their workers, but you just know the kid is old enough to realize only poor people buy shoes at WalMart. Their shoe department is called "bobos."

Oh, figured it out! Here's the video:


Sunday, August 10, 2008

WEEPISODES


“I think this President has shown a remarkable disrespect for his office, for the moral dimensions of leadership, for his friends, for his wife, for his precious daughter. It is breathtaking to me the level to which that disrespect has risen.”
--John Edwards on Clinton.

Ho hum. Moral indignation never sounds good, and always come backs to bite off your balls. Of course, Edwards isn't to blame, but the culture that equates "success" with "rock star" --

"I grew up as a small-town boy in North Carolina, came from nothing, worked very hard, dreamed that I could do something helpful for other people with my life, became a lawyer, through a lot of work and success I got some acclaim as a lawyer. People were telling me you're such a great person, such a great lawyer. There's no telling what you'll do.

"Then I went from being a young senator to being considered for vice president, running for president ... becoming a national public figure, all of which fed a self-focus, an egotism, a narcissism that leads you to believe you can do whatever you want, you're invincible and there will be no consequences. And nothing could be further from the truth."


"There will be no consequences" -- ie, you'll get away with it. But let's not moralize, okay? Let's just marvel at the ability of the human mind-- how an otherwise sane person running for president could have an affair while his wife is battling cancer, and still think he could get away with it? Again, not moralizing, but I probably won't be channeling a John Edwards vibe when I'm making important life-altering/life-wrecking decisions in my own life.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

IN OTHER NEWS

Okay, while you're getting your outrage in a know over VP Ken Doll's alleged love child, or hoping to peep some Danskin camel toe or a wayward ball squeezed from a tight speedo, it's been reported that Russia has declared war on Georgia, with military planes dropping bombs on the capital. Now, before you're worried about your peach cobbler for the Labour Day picnic, this Georgia is in Eastern Europe, where Smelting Day is celebrated at barbecues over the Leaky Reactors national disaster site. And don't forget to try grandma Booshka's famous cabbage cobbler for dessert! Be sure to check for hairs before you take the first bite.

Jesus Christ, people are dying in wars every day. Remember that, the next time you're complaining about the service at the drive-thru for White Castle (otherwise known as "Wipe Asshole") or bitching about your husband's pee on the toilet seat. Some people have real problems, and some people have problems they make up because there's nothing else to bitch about. We maintain our indulgent lifestyle under the rubric "if we give up our freedoms, change the way we live, the terrorists win." The downside-- the terrorists would only have to take away our air conditioning, or screw with our internet connection, and we'd surrender immediately!



Photo: Dimitar Dilkoff/Agence France-Presse — Getty Images

PRETTYRNITY SUIT

Or, the Edwards Affhair.

Now that John Edwards has finally admitted his liaison with Rielle Hunter (while his wife was battling cancer-- although it was in remission-- "how thoughtful of you to wait, honey!"),
the issue turns to the father of Hunter's son, born in February. Edwards claims that a former campaign aide, Andrew Young, was the father of the baby. What, the slut just jumps on the campaign bus and starts humping her way to the back? It was reported in the Enquirer that, in an attempt to hush the two up, both Hunter and Young have been put up in multi-million dollar homes. Something smells fishy!

Edwards says he'll do whatever it takes to prove he's not the father. DNA test? Sure. But the true test for Edwards offspring would normally be the comb-and-mirror test. Put little baby Doe (still don't know the name) in front of a mirror with a comb and hairspray, and see him go to town. This test, unfortunately, has been complicated by the inferior hairstyling gene of the mother. Check out that hair-don't! It's called the "Tousled Salad."

Back to the DNA test then-- both should test positive for a full "aquanet" strand.

Here's the Youtube video-- can't seem to get it to post

Thursday, August 7, 2008

EXTREME(LY) SEXY

On her recent, and much commented-on, email acquaintance with Obama:
"It seemed to me to be like a product of extreme sexism, and I kept thinking to myself, 'God, if this was just, like, Kal Penn or George Clooney or any of the other (Obama) surrogates or supporters … there wouldn't be (any) question about it. Nobody would even talk about it…I was merely trying to express my delight at Obama's commitment to his campaign in every aspect and his interest and his support (in) his surrogates and his staff and his fellows, and how wonderful and refreshing that is. And it was manipulated into such an unfortunate media frenzy of kind of a nonstory."
Our correspondent notes: "Extreme sexism? Thank god Hillary never experienced any of that."

TERROR TACTICS

The Joker throws a lot of bombs. As he explains, gasoline is cheap. But is he a terrorist? Sure, he terrifies people, but he couldn't be confused with an Islamic terrorist/freedom fighter/jihadist or whatever the hell those guys call themselves these days. The Joker notably, and with repeated emphasis, calls himself an agent of chaos, a terrorist without a cause. He simply likes to see the world burn.

Is he a stand-in for the real-life terrorists who blew up the twin towers? Possibly-- to most people in Western countries targeted by Al Qaeda and Bin Laden, we only know they like to blow things up-- buildings, trains, bus stations. They talk a lot about bringing down the established order, but all we ever seem to know about is the chaos they create. And really, haven't these people been fighting these battles for centuries? If they can't get it together by now, maybe chaos is really what they're about. They haven't figured out what's supposed to rise from the ashes.

So then, who does Batman represent? The more secretive arm of the CIA, the people who used to do things covertly, like spy on people, and not overtly, like the current government? Batman's little cell phone trick (while making the climax almost incomprehensible) is considered so intrusive into the lives of private citizens that Morgan Freeman quits Wayne Enterprises in protest, leaves his wife, and gets into a car accident in Mississippi!

At the end of the movie, Batman becomes a pariah so people will still believe government officials are as good as their word, incorruptible. Batman is already outside the law, so he readily takes on the role of the vigilante, willing to stand for actions (like murder) he would never commit. It's a cynical idea, that people would rather have a bogeyman than admit our leaders are flawed-- almost as though we were better off when we thought Saddam was the ultimate bad guy, and not our own government.

Monday, August 4, 2008

KICK IN THE PANTS


re: Hirsch Prompts Gay Rumour

"Me and Kick were in the trailer together, just hanging out like a couple of bud, you know, drinking brews. It was a big laugh-- Kick rolled over and did a blue angel like it was done in the day, you know, bare-assed, just as I was taking a leak in the sink-- I laughed so hard I stepped back and slipped on the Playboys he left on the floor, and I slid across to where Kick was, my pole sort of entered his butt and blew out the flame (whew!) and we both gasped falling on each other, our open mouths came together and I guess, from the gasp, our tongues sort of met, and that's when the gay assistant walked in and saw us, and I guess, sort of drew a conclusion that's false. So I just wanted to get out the word of what really happened, and how what the gay assistant saw could I guess be misconstrued."